Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching... - FML

By annababyyyy - 10/11/2014 05:01 - United States - Rockville

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 538

You deserved it 7 446

Good kid

Conundrum

Rulers of the world

By worksux - 05/01/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 962

You deserved it 4 124

Let it out

By Anonymous - 05/10/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 1 447

By Anonymous - 31/08/2014 17:51 - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 448

You deserved it 3 848

By Rae - 02/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 210

You deserved it 2 793

By footinmouth - 21/01/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 895

You deserved it 38 641

By wtf - 10/01/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 931

You deserved it 4 961

By jobless - 10/04/2015 06:28 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, my boss fired me by locking me out of my workplace after I went out to throw out the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 586

You deserved it 2 501

By Phoenix2115 - 26/02/2018 17:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 331

You deserved it 362

By shitpile - 06/08/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 386

You deserved it 4 034

No friends left

By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, I’ve dreamt of going back to high school so many times, every morning I wake up thinking I finished it twice and still have all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 129

By nudesurprise - 16/04/2009 14:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 764

You deserved it 35 024

By Eureka! I still lose.... - 09/02/2018 19:00

Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 854

You deserved it 271

By tatfreak - 08/03/2011 01:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 722

You deserved it 36 330

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 08:23 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 237

You deserved it 10 830

By shelbylove115 - 22/02/2013 05:35 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 581

You deserved it 35 096

By wildthing - 01/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 415

You deserved it 7 191

By Anonymous - 26/11/2017 05:00

Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 10 258

By BW - 07/06/2009 21:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 613

You deserved it 6 256

By Username - 23/01/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 192

You deserved it 2 598

Stay safe, everyone

By Anonymous - 11/04/2021 05:00

Today, I found out that one of my workmates had passed away due to Covid-19. He was among five other workmates who were calling me a "pussy" for going back and forth to work in car, instead of public transport. These five guys were eventually infected by someone in the public transport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 128

By pencilskirt - 22/03/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 060

You deserved it 272

By Hopeless romantic - 16/08/2014 06:20 - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 441

You deserved it 10 289

By Anonymous - 18/07/2012 16:09 - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 395

You deserved it 2 702

By Sabraynay - 28/09/2011 06:47

Spicy

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 908

You deserved it 3 277

Damn Luke

By So not a Luke - 11/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, a very large guy came up and asked if I was Luke. Before I could explain that Luke’s my cousin and that we do look like twins, he picked me up off the ground and hung me by my belt loops from a metal fence, telling me to stay away from his aunt. I had to undo my pants in public to climb down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 95

By FamilyLoving - 19/08/2013 16:00 - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 030

You deserved it 3 803

By Erin - 15/01/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 357

You deserved it 20 589

By Nick - 08/07/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 371

You deserved it 11 746

By iltdtsm - 15/08/2009 16:58 - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 158

You deserved it 3 235

By PandaMantis - 25/06/2011 04:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 301

You deserved it 47 978

By Olive - 19/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, and for the last two weeks I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 318

You deserved it 40 584

By ForeverAlone - 15/09/2011 21:46 - Canada

Today, I was at my cousin's house. We weren't spending time together because he was always texting. After a couple of minutes, I got jealous. I played a ringtone on my cell, and "answered" it. I had a whole conversation with nobody in an attempt to seem somewhat more popular than a 10-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 640

You deserved it 29 106

By fingwhore - 27/07/2014 17:12 - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 456

You deserved it 6 925

By French - 24/10/2013 12:52 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 655

You deserved it 4 664

By Hairy Cheek - 15/04/2016 04:27 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 344

You deserved it 2 142

By WtfDoIDo?! - 02/07/2019 04:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she wants to marry me and have my children. I’m 15. We've been dating for 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 116

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - 15/02/2014 22:44 - United States - Carlisle

Spicy

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 652

You deserved it 8 770

By RandomMe - 26/02/2016 08:00 - Cambodia - Sihanouk

Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 641

You deserved it 11 876

By foreveralone - 13/11/2012 10:23 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 858

You deserved it 34 265

By Anonymous - 28/03/2012 16:25 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 068

You deserved it 30 039

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:08

Did it by chance say 'fuck off'?

spoo 24

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:08

Well, what did it say?

Comments

spoo 24

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:08

Well, what did it say?

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:29

one bump two bumps big bump *sneeze* bump

UnidentifiedFun 37

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Monday 10 November 2014 18:01

#9, I'm glad you're funny to yourself at least.

im_a_black_guy 10

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Monday 10 November 2014 18:01

You win

wanted_2_want 40

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Monday 10 November 2014 18:28

C'mon 16 it was kind of funny, except for the sneeze part.

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Monday 10 November 2014 19:22

I thought it was kinda funny. Always loved Dr. Seuss' books. One Fish, Two Fish.... is my favourite book from him to this day.

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Monday 10 November 2014 20:01

when you sneeze its written achoo.. which rhymes with two Lol

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Monday 10 November 2014 22:05

that's a painful thought

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:08

Did it by chance say 'fuck off'?

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:16

well apparently it didn't say stop. and neither did op

Jason_Splendor 4

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 2:02

Well, we don't know that.

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:10

Better then connect the dots.

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Monday 10 November 2014 19:34

I always thought that the small bumps around a women's nipples were Braille for "suck here". Maybe the BF was just trying to feel his way down to get to the prize? ;)

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:12

Wtf?

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:19

your boyfriend is....unique and awkward

weveallbeenthere 30

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:26

be glad that he likes to touch you no matter what your skin condition.

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 9:56

Yes. Absolutely. Different skin blemishes and markings are just more unique places you can touch on your significant other! And shows your comfort with each other.

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:30

That was just another excuse to touch the boobs. Any man will use any excuse to touch boobs.

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:32

Its her boyfriend...he need no excuse to touch her boobs

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Monday 10 November 2014 18:28

No no, #13, never go titty-grabbin' without permission, relationship regardless.

starcaller17 16

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Monday 10 November 2014 19:35

He needs permission but not an excuse. That was all

davincidasecond 24

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Monday 10 November 2014 22:25

Yes 13, her boyfriend, not her owner.

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:31

I keep an acne wash in my shower and wash my shoulders and chest with it and it worked wonders so if you don't already that's something you could try :)

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Monday 10 November 2014 20:05

What's the name of the product you use ?

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Monday 10 November 2014 21:11

i use ancedote. its an organic hippie dippy one. works pretty well

badluckbayan 16

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Monday 10 November 2014 21:20

What's the name of it?

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:31

That awkward tension though

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Monday 10 November 2014 17:53

Is she trying to say her boobs are small or was she serious

atav 17

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Monday 10 November 2014 18:10

You obviously missed the fact op said acne.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 186

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 258