Miscellaneous: Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 174

You deserved it 1 490

12/07/2013 20:15

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 578

You deserved it 5 808

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Leave us alone

Better off out

12/08/2010 23:21

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 354

You deserved it 2 718

08/06/2016 02:09

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 117

You deserved it 2 295

Good job!

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 055

You deserved it 527

But mah freedumbs!

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 10:23

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 900

You deserved it 5 249

Like what you see?

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 08:08

Spicy

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 1 439

16/09/2009 10:21

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 410

You deserved it 21 451

06/02/2013 18:00

Today, my kitten made it snow inside my house using a 12-pack of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 094

You deserved it 5 316

Awkward

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 795

03/10/2012 04:25

Spicy

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 697

You deserved it 6 469

06/05/2012 07:38

Today, I had a huge yard sale. Since I live in a good neighborhood, I decided to leave the stuff out tonight rather than pack it all in for only a few hours. The news didn't say anything about the impending severe thunderstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 688

You deserved it 33 680

13/07/2017 16:30

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 581

You deserved it 1 474

Public Freakout

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 15:01

Today, my partner was driving. We were coming up to a sharp bend up a hill when suddenly a girl and a boy came speeding down the hill on a scooter. My partner stopped well before, but they fell off the kerb. We got out to check they were OK. The girl blamed us and kicked me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 72

24/03/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 559

You deserved it 501

11/02/2010 12:22

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 647

You deserved it 3 468

03/03/2009 15:38

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 797

You deserved it 22 484

Mr Whiskers

By Anonymous - 29/05/2020 14:00

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 306

10/11/2009 22:57

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 779

You deserved it 4 090

02/08/2013 05:03

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 533

You deserved it 6 219

09/03/2014 19:31

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 026

You deserved it 3 261

25/06/2015 03:55

Spicy

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 313

You deserved it 4 981

19/07/2011 16:41

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 624

You deserved it 74 643

11/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 274

You deserved it 445

23/08/2014 12:28

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 356

You deserved it 25 901

15/08/2016 08:11

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 216

You deserved it 2 770

04/09/2009 02:47

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 657

You deserved it 8 180

09/03/2009 04:16

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 366

You deserved it 5 589

15/11/2010 04:26

Spicy

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 822

You deserved it 3 628

15/05/2013 06:21

Today, as usual, my mom got shitfaced and started berating me for something. This time, it was for missing a therapy appointment. Not only am I unable to drive, it was her appointment. For her alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 848

You deserved it 2 788

22/08/2011 20:34

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 940

You deserved it 3 113

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 21/02/2021 10:01

Today, my father-in-law decided to disown myself and his son, because my husband decided to hyphenate his last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 223

13/02/2015 22:49

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 048

You deserved it 3 572

31/03/2009 20:33

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 482

You deserved it 4 273

18/12/2009 04:25

Today, I was watching TV. During a very long commercial break, I found my brothers PSP charger next to me. Out of boredom I put my tongue on the end on the metal. Not only did it fry my tongue but found its way to my metal filling in my tooth. I now have a sore tongue and a throbbing toothache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 172

You deserved it 80 354

25/03/2009 01:48

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 583

You deserved it 16 697

17/07/2016 07:31

Spicy

Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 842

You deserved it 3 684

19/12/2011 06:31

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 465

You deserved it 8 527

29/06/2018 15:00

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 276

You deserved it 245

18/07/2013 13:53

Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 323

You deserved it 6 861

Evil

By Courts - 28/02/2017 21:30

Today, I had a shift as a carer in a high-rise disability home, and working with a lady whom was once a midwife. She had a toy baby, and was rocking it. When I asked her what she was going to do what the baby so she could come to lunch, she casually threw the baby off the balcony and shrugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 460

You deserved it 504

01/07/2015 23:38

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 674

You deserved it 1 720

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:57

I wonder how that fantasy got started....

chocolatefrog28 29

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Saturday 13 July 2013 1:02

Insist that he, in turn, call you something like Princess Twatwaffle until one of you cracks. If you can't beat the crazy, join in.

Comments

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:57

I wonder how that fantasy got started....

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Saturday 13 July 2013 2:49

Also means fucking retard

leprechaun23 15

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:06

Are you his sexy assistant?

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:52

1, possibly the original poster calls him fucktard as a joke and now he's bringing it to the bedroom. I am stuck on figuring out how this is a turn on, however.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 6:07

"Professor fuckhard" would have made a little more sense

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Saturday 13 July 2013 16:27

I fancy professor fuckface myself.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:35

Yeah isn't..it the opposite of a compliment?

wvcheesehead1 9

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:06

I think you should ask him to show you his doctorate.

LissaMccracken 23

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:57

That's....interesting..

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Saturday 13 July 2013 2:00

Hey, whatever makes him happy! It may turn out to op's advantage. She could take classes from him

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Saturday 13 July 2013 2:28

hey...could be worse

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:53

50, how so? I try not to judge but if my boyfriend ever asked me to call him that, in the bedroom, then I would burst out laughing, every time.

angeluv_2014 22

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Saturday 13 July 2013 13:27

Ooo Professor fucktard ah fuck me like the tard you are *dead seriousness* ahahaha naaaahhh. couldn't do it!

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:57

That's kinky...

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:58

So do you guys do the full schebang, with "Hot for Teacher" playing and a spanking everytime you answer a question wrong?

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 1:47

If some of my teachers did that while I was in school I may have paid attention more. And by some, I mean my 10th grade Spanish teacher. ¡Más difícil!

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Saturday 13 July 2013 1:49

Demasiado jamon en mi boca para dar la repuesta a su pregunta, profesor!

ThatGuyWhoTalks 10

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:32

Can you translate that for me Pleo. I failed out of Spanish

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:54

67, I love your honesty!

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:55

"Demise, jam on! In my mouth forgive the request at your pregnant, professor!" Thank me later.

JOcoco 14

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Saturday 13 July 2013 5:12

67 - "There's to much ham in my mouth to answer your question professor!"

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Saturday 13 July 2013 13:59

too much ham in my mouth to answer your question proffesor

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Monday 15 July 2013 11:01

Ok that may make a bit more sense. Well, not really, but in this context.

Just_STFU_Please 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:58

That's very interesting to say the least

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:59

0/10 would not bang

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:59

Lmfao aye man we all want different things while busting some nuts man.

EpicSquishii 21

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Saturday 13 July 2013 1:58

Shut up, Professor!

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Saturday 13 July 2013 8:35

Dat stache lol.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 0:59

Well do what the man whants!

Pwn17 25

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:28

Really? You don't see the weird in this?

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Saturday 13 July 2013 8:08

No! Teach the professor a lesson!

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Saturday 13 July 2013 1:00

Yeah, cuz that won't ruin the moment or multiple moments in the bedroom at all... Wtf? Don't breed with him please. Lol.

EpicSquishii 21

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Saturday 13 July 2013 2:00

Yeah because if you do, the offspring will end up requesting odd things in bed as well, and we all know how much of anyone's business THAT is

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Saturday 13 July 2013 2:08

Easy on the sarcasm^^^

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 13 July 2013 5:29

"Don't breed with him/her" is one of those comments used on every other FML these days. Y'all need to come up with something more inventive.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 5:31

Relax 76, you whining about it and commenting about it makes it worse. Thumb it down instead. Jesus.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 5:36

Or better yet 76, come up with a better comment about it then, If you're so much smarter.

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:02

My comment sucks, but who's getting thumbed down? I'm only stating a fact. Never did I say I was "smarter" than you.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 1:01

Did he get a doctorate in mood killing?