Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching... - FML

By Tee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

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Great boyfriend, part 2

Cloth ears

NRA fanboy

By Anonymous - Germany - Neunkirchen

Today, I returned to Germany for a break from my studies abroad. I got lost while out for groceries, so I tried asking a guy for directions. I went totally blank and strained to think of the right words, prompting him to mutter about rude foreigners not bothering to learn the local language. FML

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By lashless - United States

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

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By Herman - France

Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Gremlin - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

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By meish - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

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By juliette - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By trbaby - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML

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By Liz - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

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By adriana - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By cjy152 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By Kurda - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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By tash - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

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By smoothcoffee - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

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By Bad Mommy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

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By Kaeyne - United States

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

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By just outdone - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By Zack - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

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By - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

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By good job bf - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

The Blob

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

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By HarleyDavison - United States - Harrisonville

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to withdraw 200 dollars. At the ATM, I noticed a suspicious man standing really close to me. I was nervous about entering my pin number, and worrying he was looking at my account information. In my panic, I got all the way home before realizing that I left the cash in the machine. FML

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By Brandon Lafantaisie - 3/5/2020 14:00

Back in the red

Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. For the third time in two years, after $3000+ in physiotherapy. Round 3, here we come. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By ... - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By fmlxxxx - New Zealand

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

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By JeezyCherieze - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

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By Thorin - United Kingdom

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

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Top comments

By rlet | 1

#715175 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:08

hahaha your bf is awesome!! can't you laugh at that??
get some humor pills

By xxmadicxx | 0

#715160 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:03

aww he sounds funny!

COMMENTS

By xxmadicxx | 0

#715160 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:03

aww he sounds funny!

Reply

Kifly95 | 4

#964520 - Friday 19 March 2010 23:26

this isn't even an fml dumbass your boyfriend is just making a joke with you

Reply

ninjacapo | 2

#988948 - Friday 7 May 2010 3:51

lol well maybe u can keep urself warm until he comes "back"

Reply

BoCo_fml | 9

#1171737 - Sunday 1 August 2010 17:36

Commercial sex is ssooo fun!!!!!

Reply

IcySnake | 0

#1616691 - Thursday 28 October 2010 17:25

when would u have commercial sex? nastyyy

By rlet | 1

#715175 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:08

hahaha your bf is awesome!! can't you laugh at that??
get some humor pills

Reply

rends | 0

#1099403 - Friday 16 July 2010 23:44

he's a keeper

By rambles | 0

#715193 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:17

why would you have sex while watching a movie ?!?!

Reply

defaultusername | 0

#964214 - Friday 19 March 2010 15:37

Why WOULDN'T you have sex while watching a movie?!

Reply

oarisimo | 4

#1210957 - Monday 9 August 2010 9:02

how old are you? 12?

Reply

ronton | 4

#1272816 - Thursday 19 August 2010 23:24

how old are you? 70??

Reply

wolfgold2 | 20

#5577089 - Friday 12 July 2013 19:34

How old are you? -35????

By MoonyIce | 0

#715196 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:18

Haha, that's AMAZING. You've got a hilarious catch there and you apparently don't even know it.

FHL, more like it.

By sparkey0127 | 0

#715217 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:36

my hero haha

By perdix | 29

#715220 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:37

Get out your diesel-powered vibrator and say "Hasta la vista, baby."

Reply

Sakeyaki | 0

#717076 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:37

I LOL'd hard.

By misspeg | 0

#715231 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:43

I don't get it? why diesel Perdix?

By Ssgsolbo13 | 0

#715240 - Friday 11 December 2009 16:50

ur BF is the man !

By AnthonyD86 | 0

#715247 - Friday 11 December 2009 17:00

how on earth would you expect him to have sex with you when Ahhnold is on the tv? sounds like a funny guy though.

By sparkey0127 | 0

#715252 - Friday 11 December 2009 17:02

I think perdix used a reference to diesel powered to symbolize huge and commercial grade. but I can't speak for someone else. just my .02

Reply

perdix | 29

#715269 - Friday 11 December 2009 17:19

sparkey, you pretty much got it!

I was also trying to evoke the image of the noise (of the engine and orgasmic screams) and the noxious fumes interfering with the boyfriend's lame TV viewing. Don't get me wrong, "The Terminator" is a fine movie, but watching it wih commercial interruption is lame.

misspeg, listen to sparkey!