Health: Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating... - FML

By Fitz - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

133757

You deserved it

6185

Tweet

Share

Halloween came early

Better out than in

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27656

You deserved it

2875

Tweet

Share

By papergirl - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39194

You deserved it

19518

Tweet

Share

By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30790

You deserved it

2659

Tweet

Share

By Chey1309 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37958

You deserved it

6221

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6764

You deserved it

747

Tweet

Share

By weirdlove - Australia

Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating an icecream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33522

You deserved it

7958

Tweet

Share

By Ariel - 5/10/2020 10:02

Zeitgeist

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1015

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By seththing

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12015

You deserved it

3137

Tweet

Share

By meish - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13394

You deserved it

964

Tweet

Share

By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19391

You deserved it

138767

Tweet

Share

By accidentalsmartass - Japan - Tokyo

He deserved it. Snapping ain't cool unless you're a turtle.

Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5198

You deserved it

696

Tweet

Share

By bosslady - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27353

You deserved it

2275

Tweet

Share

By dead - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32518

You deserved it

6446

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27435

You deserved it

3002

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4352

You deserved it

179

Tweet

Share

By hopeless - Canada

Today, I was playing tetherball with my younger brother. I get really competitive, so I threw it as hard as I could. It came around and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9739

You deserved it

53996

Tweet

Share

By Muddyidiot - 6/1/2021 05:01

Good deeds

Today, after I was done testing a group of people for Covid, the universe decided that no, the deed was not good enough. On the way to the bus stop, I slipped and had to ride home covered in mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

666

You deserved it

91

Tweet

Share

By Chubby - United States

Today, I told my boss about a coworker that had been hitting on me. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I was afraid that would happen. He's a bit of a chubby chaser." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37072

You deserved it

5151

Tweet

Share

By Not really

Happy birthday?

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3262

You deserved it

982

Tweet

Share

By PWI_addict - United States

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11212

You deserved it

35478

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23671

You deserved it

2354

Tweet

Share

By stellarshaun - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25186

You deserved it

10824

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11988

You deserved it

27884

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 17:01

Relativity

Today, I found out my husband of 8 years has been cheating on me, so I decided to let the lady's husband know that she was unfaithful as well. His response was that I ruined his day. This has ruined mine and my kids lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1290

You deserved it

184

Tweet

Share

By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44509

You deserved it

3488

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8945

You deserved it

56167

Tweet

Share

By Dramaqueenfornothing - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12256

You deserved it

2764

Tweet

Share

By diddlebuag - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42911

You deserved it

6225

Tweet

Share

By TaintedL0v3 - 11/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1122

You deserved it

194

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sat through an incredibly long and tedious class lecture. Just as my professor was nearing the end of his lecture, the resident stoner loudly yawned and asked what we'd been talking about for the past hour. We got to hear most of the lecture all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31888

You deserved it

2405

Tweet

Share

By goinginsane

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33694

You deserved it

7138

Tweet

Share

By aurorason - France

Today, during a basketball game, I fell into metal chairs which then decided to fold in, causing me to fall to the floor in a very dramatic and painful fall. When I stood up, so did everyone else and they were all clapping, including the other team. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25022

You deserved it

3496

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, our building owner, who lives just below, had a great idea to make her life easier. When something gets on her nerves, she puts it in the stairwell. Including two dozen shoes, her toddler, her screaming baby, her barking dog and her cat who loves to shit in my flower pots and piss in my basement room, which she is well aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1610

You deserved it

99

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

The Girl Can't Help It

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1732

You deserved it

187

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Awkward

Today, I found out what it's like to have your boyfriend's mom find your hidden stash of condoms in your car, then spend the next two hours shopping with her. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31460

You deserved it

7180

Tweet

Share

By bitchsawmebuyit - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32169

You deserved it

4586

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26687

You deserved it

9962

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37970

You deserved it

5690

Tweet

Share

By Hairy Cheek - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20318

You deserved it

2137

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29747

You deserved it

3149

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#7443248 - Sunday 23 April 2017 16:33

I guess it wasn't possible to text and eat watermelon while driving.

COMMENTS

By awildwhisper | 30

#7443248 - Sunday 23 April 2017 16:33

I guess it wasn't possible to text and eat watermelon while driving.