Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled...

By dummy - 17/02/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you." I replied "I love you too baby", to which he laughed then said, "I said I wanted you to blow me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 630

You deserved it 5 638

Intimacy

Late term

Compromises

Anaconda

By AshWil - 26/06/2015 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 854

You deserved it 22 997

Remember bars?

By Baby_girl - 06/06/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my best friend whom I have been in love with for years, called me, proposed, and confessed his love for me. He was at a noisy bar so I asked him to call me back later and we'd discuss it. He called back later, hungover, with no recollection of our conversation whatsoever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 239

You deserved it 5 263

By eww. - 22/03/2013 05:28 - Australia

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 258

You deserved it 7 187

By Wade - 30/05/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting under a tree at a park. The dirt felt a little damp, so I assumed it was dew from the night. A homeless man walks over and asks me to move, then starts to pee under the tree, followed by another man. I was sitting in their bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 844

You deserved it 4 659

By NewBride - 14/08/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 746

You deserved it 5 571

By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 439

You deserved it 13 839

By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick - 26/07/2018 06:00

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 393

You deserved it 2 547

Hangry

By thedri11 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxnard

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 331

You deserved it 3 776

By houdinette - 22/11/2013 23:14 - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 152

You deserved it 5 941

By Nalya - 27/12/2008 10:26 - France

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 883

You deserved it 2 062

Dementia or hate? You decide

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 11:01

Today, I spent an hour listening to my mother-in-law go over the details of how happy my husband was at his wedding, while she went through the photo album and stared at the pictures. The wedding with his first wife. I spend several days each month with her taking care of her, and she does this kind of thing every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 218

You deserved it 168

By theuglyone - 22/08/2013 03:00 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 062

You deserved it 5 833

By management - 21/02/2014 02:31 - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 057

You deserved it 7 342

By Kat - 08/11/2008 07:51 - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 5 214

By dreadedmafia86 - 12/03/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was upset after my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend heard and told me she would be right over. Three hours of waiting later she stumbles in wasted. She had been at the bar, with my ex, making sure he was okay. For me, I just got a list of all the drinks she had that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 578

You deserved it 2 438

By Anonymous - 02/08/2013 15:29 - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 431

You deserved it 3 445

Shifting

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 70

By Tim - 07/08/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 661

You deserved it 3 351

By notdaddy - 16/02/2015 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 979

You deserved it 4 420

Hellworld

By hannahnator - 02/12/2020 07:04 - United States - Racine

Today, it's the first day of our 2-week quarantine. Today, my 3 year-old also discovered Blippi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 681

You deserved it 136

By CrimsonAmaryllis - 01/04/2013 16:37 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 395

You deserved it 4 136

By ypsitucky - 26/07/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 599

You deserved it 3 011

By Andy - 13/05/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 381

You deserved it 4 341

By Anonymous - 01/03/2013 12:02 - United States - Belmont

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 655

You deserved it 4 141

Multitasking

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:28 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 104

You deserved it 6 763

RIP

By funnnyyyyy -_- - 01/08/2015 08:29 - Nepal - Kathmandu

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 819

You deserved it 6 486

By Anonymous - 24/05/2017 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 084

You deserved it 380

By Geemeisters - 08/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 002

You deserved it 1 820

Take what you can get

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 00:30 - Netherlands

Today, I got the most action I've had in about 3 years when my dentist pressed her boobs against the top of my head to fill my cavities. I really need to get me a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 04/04/2013 14:29 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I had my first game ever as an ice hockey goalie. Our team didn't have a goalie helmet, so they gave me a regular one which didn't cover me completely. I was worried about it and told my coach, but he said I would be fine. I then took a puck to the throat that sent me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 658

You deserved it 4 889

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 15:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of four years, whom I have stuck by through every hardship, including his ongoing battle with military PTSD, is cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 83

By TrolleyCollector - 13/05/2016 09:10 - Australia - Seymour

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 120

You deserved it 1 986

By gmnesbitt - 07/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 933

You deserved it 2 552

By 16590 - 15/06/2012 22:13 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 898

You deserved it 4 775

It's a sign...

By Ohfknhell - 16/05/2018 05:00

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 570

You deserved it 740

By shygirl - 20/05/2012 13:13 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 192

You deserved it 10 126

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 04:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 876

You deserved it 2 673

By nick2.0 - 09/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 122

You deserved it 5 529

By bloody - 15/06/2013 08:57 - United States

Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 064

You deserved it 5 060

By ow my kidneys - 14/07/2015 10:33 - Germany - Bad Oeynhausen

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 793

You deserved it 1 909

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

aliadnan708 6

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:49

Did u blow him?

ninjuh_wingman 29

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:54

Tell him you will if he can give you an orgasm.

aliadnan708 6

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:49

Did u blow him?

nic7973 23

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:55

you should have done it for him

AyeTee77 18

Friday 17 February 2012 9:07

Even during sex women expect us to say "I love you"...

disco2466 8

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:12

if you say it more you get more sex though!

Calyx_fml 21

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:17

The real question is since you love him and all... did you swallow?

bellaoblio 0

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 18:00

I don't "expect" anything but an orgasm. Not all women are the same my friend.

lebronesque73091 12

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 18:32

They don't really sound similar in any way.

bayaborriello 1

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 21:25

seriously ? whats wrong with dat ?

juicypu55y 0

Send a private message

Saturday 12 May 2012 1:13

No , we expect it ALL THA TIME. Duuuh

qwillis98 20

Send a private message

Monday 23 July 2012 16:05

How dafuq u get those confused?

DontClickOnMe 28

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:49

Aw, what a disappointment.

Epsilonyx 15

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:57

YOUR PICTURE IS TERRIFYING WHY DO YOU DO THIS PLEASE STOP

DontClickOnMe 28

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:03

8 - Hey, that's not very nice.. :(

Epsilonyx 15

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:05

Isn't he a pedophile? D:

Goatinsfriend 8

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:05

Hey! Hes quite a sexy young man. We went over this.

SweetPerfectionn 3

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:09

He's beautiful. Stop bullying.

Epsilonyx 15

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:47

Are you dumb? Would I honestly say something like that if that was legitimately him? That's Brian Peppers; a registered sex offender. Thanks, though.

Epsilonyx 15

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 10:00

P.S. Read his about me.

killtin 2

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 11:45

Really random but 33 same birthdate and year -_-

julialinn 2

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 13:03

Brian Peppers.. the sexiest child molester ever.

DynamicDave 11

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 14:48

I think he actually sexually harassed a nurse.

FatSack 0

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 15:48

He's not a child molester. He molested animals. Even creepier...

DontClickOnMe 28

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 21:08

No. You guys got it all wrong. Well Dave knows me, but yeah I molest the nurses that take care of me.

ManlyDunsparce 3

Send a private message

Saturday 18 February 2012 1:50

Yea, for him. Let's hope he got it!

bioboy725 10

Send a private message

Monday 20 February 2012 2:35

Yeah, that sucks

jideare 3

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:50

That's a shame. Now u tell him you did say "not a chance"

tygerarmy 35

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:54

And you replied I want you to eat me.

Pentium_4 26

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:58

eating out a chick isn't bad at all, if you know how to do it. sounds like a fair trade though

tygerarmy 35

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:04

I think so. They even have a position for such a trade, 69.

Pentium_4 26

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:16

well whaddya know. problem solved!

bizarre_ftw 21

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 12:54

actually though, both ways (I'm taking your word on eating out a girl), there's nothing wrong with giving BJs, they're not disgusting (some people even find giving them to be fun) so my question is: what's the damn big deal?!

tygerarmy 35

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 13:28

For the OP the big deal is she thought her boyfriend was confessing his love for her when he was really telling her to blow me. As for the big deal on oral sex, there shouldn't be one. The OP's boyfriend should have played it off and said he loves her, waited 30 seconds and asked for oral. And as a general rule being told "I love you" by someone you're sexual satisfying doesn't count, especially if it's the first time they've said it to you.

MissHayleyJames 7

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 16:52

Well to some people it IS disgusting. I'll only go down on my husband if he's just showered and only as foreplay. Otherwise it's just gross to me.

tygerarmy 35

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 17:30

Well to each their own. And I agree basic maintenance and hygiene is important. I don't want a girl going down on me after work or the gym because that'd be gross. But I enjoy getting my partner off. So I wouldn't go out with someone who didn't like putting the extra effort to get me off, because I am willing to do it for them.

lebronesque73091 12

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 18:37

51- I didn't know people like you existed.

lebronesque73091 12

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 18:40

74- I hope you don't expect much, then.

fenixtorador1 11

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 19:55

51 knows what's up! That's what I'm talking about!

JRokka850 6

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 20:20

I think if your a dude and don't eat pussy you to to find something really high and jump of it...

Characterise 0

Send a private message

Saturday 18 February 2012 10:49

lol why should we give you bjs if you don't eat us out? now that's a fair trade

ninjuh_wingman 29

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:54

Tell him you will if he can give you an orgasm.

BostonBruinsFan 8

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 20:48

…but it HAS to be a result from him eating her out

badass243 6

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 8:57

classy at its finest

abbyhoneywaffles 11

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:00

That's a bit of a moment ruiner..

jerjy1 5

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 11:07

your info said you enjoy starwars, your Xbox, an waffles! I wanna marry you

SweetPerfectionn 3

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 11:30

It is isn't it! Makes things awkward.. Haha

yummy_richkid 3

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 12:11

Don't forget Harry Potter...

CryMoreFMLs 14

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 14:29

41 - Thats a bit creeeepyyy. Just putting it out there.

AssassinsCRB 0

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 16:02

Harry Potter > Star Wars, Xbox and waffles

speedy420 0

Send a private message

Thursday 23 February 2012 12:38

yay star wars ^-^ rawrrr

Slai_fml 3

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:04

Well now you know what words you'll probably never actually hear him say meaningfully.

Characterise 0

Send a private message

Saturday 18 February 2012 10:53

if you don't say I love you in sex then the whole thing isn't meaningful so therefore just giving out free non meaning sex that's what I think anyways my ex always said I love you when we were doing it and said how beautiful n describing my body that's how sex should be