Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking...

By Sybille - 6/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passionate eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said "You have a bogey". FML

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Love

The cheek of some people

Boozehound alert

Incognito browsing

By Username - 20/8/2011 09:20 - United States

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

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By HereKittyKitty - 1/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

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By SomePeoplesKids - 8/5/2012 06:08 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 11:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By mala_19 - 19/9/2020 14:02 - Sweden

The joy of newborn babies

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

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By Hue - 7/7/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

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By hifhfan - 5/6/2014 11:12 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

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By therevsev - 2/10/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/6/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By Evra - 16/4/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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By a cat named tiddles - 30/3/2017 00:00

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By Landlocked - 6/5/2019 02:00

Today, my dad thought it would be a good idea to show my 5-year-old son a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. My son is now terrified of hurricanes. We live in Utah. FML

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By xo007 - 4/11/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, as I stepped into the shower, I slipped and fell over the edge of the tub, pulling the shower curtain down with me. I called my roommate to help me up as I put on a towel over me. But before she could help me up, she grabbed her phone to take a picture. The picture became a mass text. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

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By Damnlife123 - 21/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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By 2fast4U - 21/3/2016 10:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

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By DaddysGirl - 16/10/2011 10:36 - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

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By piliseep - 1/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

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By themarrowguy - 23/8/2013 10:06 - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

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By identitychangeplease - 19/9/2012 20:41 - Sweden - Nyn?shamn

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked". Later, I found another note that said "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2013 04:13 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

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By microlovin - 28/7/2013 07:45 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

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By singlesoon - 25/8/2009 04:26 - Canada

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 18:27 - United States - New Orleans

Today, after scouring my apartment for quarters to do laundry, I found the correct amount of change. The change got jammed in the washing machine. I now have no more quarters, and my clothes are caked with soap from washing them in the sink. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - 15/11/2012 01:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By bobafett892 - 2/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

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By chchboy - 22/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

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By pranksonpranks - 14/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Dicks aplenty!

Today, my sister and I have been in a prank war. She spammed my phone with dozens of random dick pics from the internet. My boyfriend saw and accused me of cheating. Now he won’t talk to me, and my sister won’t help me explain things. Guess she won. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:30

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

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By bmaas - 17/3/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, I was playing volleyball in gym when I went up for a spike. As I was coming down, I elbowed a girl in the face. It turns she's the second most important lead in our school musical, which we perform on Thursday. Her nose is broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 08:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

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By Eloise - 21/3/2017 14:00

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

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By whatthewhat? - 25/11/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

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By Rory - 14/4/2012 22:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

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Top comments

By cndrow | 0

#928 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:47

You're in bed with someone and they haven't told you they love you? ...

By pspnick | 0

#58153 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 21:14

well at least you didnt have a double bogey, you can still recover(i think you mean boogey, like booger)

COMMENTS

By cndrow | 0

#928 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:47

You're in bed with someone and they haven't told you they love you? ...

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#3165476 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:41

It doesn't say anything about bed...

Lucidium | 0

#3326986 - Thursday 22 September 2011 5:54

You effin religious piece of ****

Candisalis | 0

#3481292 - Monday 24 October 2011 8:15

It's not religious to think that they're moving too fast in that relationship.

loganberrybat | 11

#4165427 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 21:08

I bet you're one of those possessive types aren't ya... People in the 21st century don't wait to be in love and married before having sex.

jchantale | 7

#5847057 - Monday 3 February 2014 2:14

Laying down doesn't mean sex. They could have been cuddling

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30958 - Saturday 14 March 2009 5:41

Happened to me once. I screamed. haha

AssassinsCRB | 0

#3959154 - Sunday 29 January 2012 2:39

You had a boogey so you screamed? Wtf...

nabee26 | 15

#4631358 - Saturday 30 June 2012 0:17

38- Exactly what I was thinking... WTF

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4916237 - Monday 10 September 2012 19:51

I'd hate to see your reaction to your own vomit. Would you pass out?

By pspnick | 0

#58153 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 21:14

well at least you didnt have a double bogey, you can still recover(i think you mean boogey, like booger)

By blueworld_fml | 0

#86447 - Monday 6 April 2009 9:31

Before intimate moments, always check for boogies. Did he tell you he loved you anyway, boogies and all? Cuz he still could've made that work.

By Vintage_fml | 0

#119142 - Friday 17 April 2009 15:03

he doesnt need to say it,he does,maybe

By AnnaSeptic | 0

#126080 - Monday 20 April 2009 4:15

LOL.

By xobabygurlx23 | 2

#160091 - Friday 1 May 2009 20:00

awww that is so adorableee

By 24788 | 6

#161830 - Saturday 2 May 2009 11:31

That's a let down. FYL

It's funny though.

By leelee87_fml | 0

#170657 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:59

Tomayto, tomahto.

Actually, he sounds sweet. "I love you" or not (I'm betting he does), lucky you.

By snode001 | 0

#214705 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 19:00

that is intimacy at it's best