By Wellokthen - 17/2/2017 22:00 - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Vultures

Everyone's an expert

By Idiots - 5/9/2009 20:54 - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

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By laptitesouris - 31/3/2013 23:35 - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

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By RingofFire - 3/6/2016 23:23 - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By Unluckiest Guy of the group - 28/9/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 14:00

Mr Whiskers

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

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By bandeek - 23/10/2016 18:52

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

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By no selfie for me - 16/4/2013 04:08 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 06:46 - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

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By heya - 24/12/2012 10:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

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By buckid310 - 3/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By epistaxis - 29/1/2009 02:31 - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By hatemyjob - 5/11/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I found out that the new receptionist earns more than I do. I'm an undergraduate accountant and I've been working there for 2 years. Oh and I started out as the receptionist before I got a "promotion". FML

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By neighbour hell - 25/4/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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By Colby - 15/11/2013 16:59 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

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By jellybean_94 - 15/8/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

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By indi1011 - 20/4/2009 12:21 - Australia

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

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By of course - 20/4/2019 12:00

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By DutchOven - 4/7/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 17:31 - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 16:54

Clocked

Today, I was stopped by a customer who told me that I looked like a nice woman. I thanked him for the compliment and pointed out that I was a man. With an obviously male name on my name tag. And visible facial hair. FML

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By nil mil - 23/9/2019 22:02

Crazy ex's girlfriend

Today, I sent my ex's mom several pics of the kids from our recent outing. Being the kids' grandmother, she loved them. Later, I got a barrage of angry, insulting and threatening texts from my ex's new girlfriend, saying that since he and I are no longer together, I should have no contact with his family. FML

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By children ain't pawns - 21/11/2016 15:23 - Australia - Perth

Today, after discussing having our son's hair styled nicely for school, my ex returns him with his head shaved. I didn't realise bald was in style for 4-year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 05:33 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my wife of 10 years bought me a bottle of wine, a wine rack and wine accessory kit for my birthday. She knows I don't like wine. FML

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By eternal - 24/6/2019 18:00

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By Sucks2suck - 20/11/2018 05:00

Today, I received an invitation to my ex’s wedding. We were dating for three years and just broke up four months ago. FML

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By wellthisisbad - 29/2/2016 12:27 - United States - Boynton Beach

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

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By matte - 30/3/2009 12:16 - Australia

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

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By secretsant4 - 3/11/2017 14:00

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

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By wabbyfish - 14/3/2014 03:36 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

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By No.Life. - 14/7/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

On call

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2016 16:21 - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 04:00 - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

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By robbedonCTA - 22/9/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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By Miller_Time - 18/3/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By night_fox88 - 27/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Camden

Go out please!

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 14:00

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7412385 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:04

You know they sell ball gags and butt plugs in matched sets -- that'll stop both of your boyfriend's mood-killing expulsions.

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#7412397 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:38

Guess that's his way of methane with you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7412385 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:04

You know they sell ball gags and butt plugs in matched sets -- that'll stop both of your boyfriend's mood-killing expulsions.

Reply

URBeingLied2 | 23

#7412701 - Saturday 18 February 2017 22:40

This is possibly the best comment I've ever seen you make. I applaud you. Loudly. To the point of angering my fiancé, forcing her to ask what is going on. I'll be a RichardPencil and say nothing in your honor.

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#7412397 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:38

Guess that's his way of methane with you.

Reply

alternative-facts | 6

#7412399 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:43

I see what you did there :)

Reply

Cali | 54

#7414135 - Tuesday 21 February 2017 16:40

You cheeky raccoon, you...

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#7416675 - Sunday 26 February 2017 9:16

10/10 pun

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#7416676 - Sunday 26 February 2017 9:16

10/10 pun

By freckledfox06 | 18

#7412400 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:50

I don't know why farts are so god damn funny, but they make me giggle like a 12 year old boy. Definitely a mood killer.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7412520 - Saturday 18 February 2017 14:14

Don't worry god forgives him.

By sparkledoge | 29

#7412538 - Saturday 18 February 2017 14:59

Sounds like something my boyfriend would do. And strangely, the fact he can be goofy like that at any time is something i like about him. Even if some times it's really annoying.

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412594 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:26

What can I say ?

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412595 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:27

What can I say lmao!!!!

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412596 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:30

He gave u fair warning. U deserved it

By jcash52426 | 5

#7412673 - Saturday 18 February 2017 21:35

God: with gas like that your going straight to hell ????

By bigred121970 | 10

#7412677 - Saturday 18 February 2017 21:42

OMG ??I'm sorry but I can just see him sitting there and the look of utter disgust on your face.