Intimacy: So Sensual...

So Sensual...

By Wellokthen - 17/02/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 765

You deserved it 1 104

Intimacy

Walk the line

Empathy lives

Facebook's moderation sucks

By IfuSeekAmyIdo - 05/04/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I hired a babysitter, so my husband and I could spend some time together and work on our failing marriage. I dressed up. We went out. He got drunk and puked on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 558

You deserved it 7 344

By WhereforeArtThouJustice - 10/12/2014 21:49 - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 904

You deserved it 2 273

By hozzyandie - 14/12/2010 18:02 - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 611

You deserved it 3 322

By Anonymous - 03/02/2015 19:03 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 090

You deserved it 2 178

By gatewayev700 - 26/02/2015 16:18 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 015

You deserved it 5 246

By badluckdrew - 01/05/2009 14:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 458

You deserved it 20 577

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 06:39 - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 182

You deserved it 1 869

By Firepants - 28/08/2010 16:04 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 436

You deserved it 4 087

By JudasThePriest - 01/12/2013 07:42 - United States - Greensboro

Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 487

You deserved it 3 204

By AnonymousQuagga - 07/02/2014 03:07 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 445

You deserved it 16 275

By cubs44fan - 04/03/2014 23:25 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 385

You deserved it 6 127

By birthdaygirl - 11/03/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 041

You deserved it 15 110

By butnotlikethat - 16/03/2013 00:05 - China - Nanchang

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 856

You deserved it 6 195

By smh - 10/09/2015 06:09 - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 634

You deserved it 2 258

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Alyce - 06/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 71

This woman's work

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 17:02 - Germany - Aachen

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 81

Wise kid

By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 17:02

Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 373

No sleep til Brooklyn

By blahblah - 24/05/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 245

You deserved it 7 021

Cabin fever

By ThisPhoneismyRoommate - 24/08/2021 00:01 - France - Boissy-saint-l?ger

Today, I realized I've lived alone for so long, I now apologize to my phone for dropping it, or even over-charging it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 133

By charma - 11/07/2009 13:14 - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 089

You deserved it 5 124

Help, I'm stranded!

By LexMarie12 - 15/03/2017 18:00

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 677

You deserved it 333

By drchinky888 - 18/09/2016 17:10 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 244

You deserved it 976

By I'm so sorry... - 01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 590

You deserved it 1 494

By Tyler Smith - 03/11/2011 11:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 349

You deserved it 5 706

By f my lifw - 07/04/2015 15:43 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 184

You deserved it 3 013

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 06:45 - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 418

You deserved it 7 103

Tree trunks

By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 310

By WelcomeWagon - 28/06/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 518

You deserved it 42 109

Knock yourself out, dude

By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 680

You deserved it 186

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 04:31 - United States - Havertown

Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 412

You deserved it 1 493

By janedoe - 12/02/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 684

You deserved it 12 702

By wtf - 10/01/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 930

You deserved it 4 961

By Asdf649 - 19/05/2012 04:17 - Canada - Burlington

Today, at my wedding, my husband's drunk friend admitted that the only reason my husband and I started dating was because he was dared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 415

You deserved it 2 633

Childlike

By Anonymous - 03/08/2020 20:01

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 454

By Girl-of-very-little-brain - 29/12/2011 12:01 - Canada

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 187

You deserved it 4 955

By Dammit... - 20/11/2010 02:45 - United States

Today, my mom told my dad to get me extra absorbent pads, very loudly, in a crowded mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 194

You deserved it 3 664

By wow - 15/04/2013 18:36 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 851

You deserved it 6 714

By Anonymous - 16/03/2016 01:19 - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 353

You deserved it 1 271

By jeesh - 31/01/2009 11:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 928

You deserved it 89 133

By Noname - 30/10/2008 05:55 - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 993

You deserved it 8 713

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 18 February 2017 4:04

You know they sell ball gags and butt plugs in matched sets -- that'll stop both of your boyfriend's mood-killing expulsions.

CheekyRaccoon 27

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Saturday 18 February 2017 4:38

Guess that's his way of methane with you.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 18 February 2017 4:04

You know they sell ball gags and butt plugs in matched sets -- that'll stop both of your boyfriend's mood-killing expulsions.

URBeingLied2 23

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Saturday 18 February 2017 22:40

This is possibly the best comment I've ever seen you make. I applaud you. Loudly. To the point of angering my fiancé, forcing her to ask what is going on. I'll be a RichardPencil and say nothing in your honor.

CheekyRaccoon 27

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Saturday 18 February 2017 4:38

Guess that's his way of methane with you.

alternative-facts 6

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Saturday 18 February 2017 4:43

I see what you did there :)

Cali 54

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Tuesday 21 February 2017 16:40

You cheeky raccoon, you...

friedpwnadge 25

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Sunday 26 February 2017 9:16

10/10 pun

friedpwnadge 25

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Sunday 26 February 2017 9:16

10/10 pun

freckledfox06 18

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Saturday 18 February 2017 4:50

I don't know why farts are so god damn funny, but they make me giggle like a 12 year old boy. Definitely a mood killer.

jcash52426 5

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Saturday 18 February 2017 14:14

Don't worry god forgives him.

sparkledoge 29

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Saturday 18 February 2017 14:59

Sounds like something my boyfriend would do. And strangely, the fact he can be goofy like that at any time is something i like about him. Even if some times it's really annoying.