By Wellokthen - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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Late term

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Jonah begs to differ

By Lizziebelle - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

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By lonely otaku - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

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By FunGhoost - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By tine - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

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By musicthief - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

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By onthemarket - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By disapointed girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

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By killme - United States - Broomfield

Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML

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By Rizmo - United States - Cedar City

Today, I found out that the loud noise outside my bedroom a few weeks ago was neighborhood kids throwing eggs at my window, landing on the AC. FML

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By jerry Jerry Jerry - 15/5/2020 17:00

All in the family

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

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By MIND BLOWING - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

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By cold - United States - Phoenix

Gasp

Today, I canceled all my plans because my boyfriend wanted to go on a date. He didn't mean with me. FML

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By secret - United States

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

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By squirty_joe - United States

Today, at work, I was alone in the breakroom when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried since no one else was in there. It wasn't gas. It was diarrhea. I'm wearing a mini skirt today. FML

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By bad sis sad sis - 24/9/2020 02:01

Snitches get stitches

Today, I told my mom that I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend having sex. My mom flew into a rage and slapped me several times, calling me a liar and made me apologize to my sister for saying something “so disgusting” about her. I wasn’t lying and she just smirked the whole time. FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By gman

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

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By OutOfMyMind - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

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By Actor - United States

Today, I joined my school's film-making club so I could get an opportunity to act in the club president's screenplays. It turns out her idea of a tragedy is a creepy, sci-fi version of Romeo and Juliet, with elves, starring her as the perfect Mary Sue style lead character. I can't get out of this. FML

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By yourmom - United States

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

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By Invisible - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

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By damnit - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML

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By imaloser - Canada

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2020 11:01

I'm horny, horny horny horny…

Today, my husband chose to masturbate. I'm not getting laid for the forth night in a row, because initiating sex is too hard for him. Just once, I want to not have to initiate or flat out beg for it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

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By kinkicali - United States - Maple Valley

Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML

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By shart up, your puns suck - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

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By Pissy pants

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

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By Holls - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

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By naps aren't what they used to be - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML

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By MoreActionThanMe - United States

Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML

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By mac - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

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By Anonymous

Loser

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7412385 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:04

You know they sell ball gags and butt plugs in matched sets -- that'll stop both of your boyfriend's mood-killing expulsions.

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#7412397 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:38

Guess that's his way of methane with you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7412385 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:04

You know they sell ball gags and butt plugs in matched sets -- that'll stop both of your boyfriend's mood-killing expulsions.

Reply

URBeingLied2 | 23

#7412701 - Saturday 18 February 2017 22:40

This is possibly the best comment I've ever seen you make. I applaud you. Loudly. To the point of angering my fiancé, forcing her to ask what is going on. I'll be a RichardPencil and say nothing in your honor.

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#7412397 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:38

Guess that's his way of methane with you.

Reply

alternative-facts | 6

#7412399 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:43

I see what you did there :)

Reply

Cali | 54

#7414135 - Tuesday 21 February 2017 16:40

You cheeky raccoon, you...

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#7416675 - Sunday 26 February 2017 9:16

10/10 pun

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#7416676 - Sunday 26 February 2017 9:16

10/10 pun

By freckledfox06 | 18

#7412400 - Saturday 18 February 2017 4:50

I don't know why farts are so god damn funny, but they make me giggle like a 12 year old boy. Definitely a mood killer.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7412520 - Saturday 18 February 2017 14:14

Don't worry god forgives him.

By sparkledoge | 29

#7412538 - Saturday 18 February 2017 14:59

Sounds like something my boyfriend would do. And strangely, the fact he can be goofy like that at any time is something i like about him. Even if some times it's really annoying.

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412594 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:26

What can I say ?

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412595 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:27

What can I say lmao!!!!

By pelletman67 | 16

#7412596 - Saturday 18 February 2017 17:30

He gave u fair warning. U deserved it

By jcash52426 | 5

#7412673 - Saturday 18 February 2017 21:35

God: with gas like that your going straight to hell ????

By bigred121970 | 10

#7412677 - Saturday 18 February 2017 21:42

OMG ??I'm sorry but I can just see him sitting there and the look of utter disgust on your face.