By Marcus Whitfield - 14/3/2020 15:00

Bear of a man

Today, I came to the unsettling realisation that the 2XL jacket that was originally 3 sizes too big for me is now a perfect fit. FML

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There's no helping some people

Motormouth

All that time I'm never getting back

By SoClose - Canada

Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By corleon198425 - United States

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

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By rawr_fml001 - Canada - Brampton

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML

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By dickface - Canada

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sneezed without knowing I had a nosebleed. Despite turning my head, a fine blood spray shot out all over my fiancée’s white dress as we were standing at the altar. She refused to say “I do” because she was so mad. FML

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By Nikki - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

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By Cyberella - Australia

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

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By Danielle - 25/10/2020 11:02

Barf

Today, I threw up during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom

Left hanging

Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML

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By florisvanlent - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By didi - France

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

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By stupidteacher - China - Guiyang

Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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By Mmm - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By littl3storm

Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML

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By milkshake - United States - Pasadena

Today, at work at a car dealership, a seemingly overzealous customer shook my hand vigorously after we finalized a deal. I didn't think anything of it until a coworker pointed out that he was just trying to make my breasts jiggle. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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By

Indebted without work

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

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By brsoxgirl - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By fuckit - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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By ihaveahome - Czech Republic

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

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By indefiniteforest - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

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Top comments

By Gubbon | 8

#7889546 - Saturday 14 March 2020 16:32

Been to the gym and packed on some muscles? Congrats.

By ftpallday666 | 16

#7890545 - Thursday 19 March 2020 8:33

Been there man. Been there.

COMMENTS

By Gubbon | 8

#7889546 - Saturday 14 March 2020 16:32

Been to the gym and packed on some muscles? Congrats.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7889583 - Saturday 14 March 2020 18:40

Congrats on the growth spurt, big guy!

By demix_fml | 32

#7889598 - Saturday 14 March 2020 20:02

I feel your pain 😞

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7889625 - Sunday 15 March 2020 0:59

Age will sneak up on you like that

By julianamariex3 | 12

#7889891 - Monday 16 March 2020 5:36

I feel you! I started a health journey finally after waiting far too long to work on my health. I started it 2/10. I feel so much better. Next weigh in is tomorrow, but so far, I’ve lost 18 lbs and 13 inches. It’s a program that teaches a bunch of healthy habits and then transitions you back into the real world of more calories and stuff after you reach your goal weight. Pretty cool! I’m not a health coach, nor do I ever plan on becoming one. No thanks

By ftpallday666 | 16

#7890545 - Thursday 19 March 2020 8:33

Been there man. Been there.