Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 21:15 - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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Season finale

Incognito browsing

Recycling helps

By ClumsyBarista - 20/12/2016 05:04 - United States - Springfield

Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML

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By mainlineloser - 28/11/2014 05:25 - United States - Narberth

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

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By notdaddy - 16/2/2015 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 03:36 - United States - Houston

Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By Yay..... - 17/8/2010 04:21 - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

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By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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By anonymous - 14/6/2012 14:54 - China - Nanjing

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

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By Scared - 5/6/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By preggersss - 19/7/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I got sick in the airsick bag as my flight landed. The woman next to me, trying to make me feel better, says "Don't handle landings too well?" I responded "No, I actually fly fine, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant." She looked at my left hand, noticed no ring, rolled her eyes and looked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I had a UTI. After, taking some sample medicine my doctor gave to me, I had a lot of back pain and nausea. I also spent 6 hours in the ER with no health insurance because I thought I was urinating blood. Nope, "peeing red" is just a little side effect my doctor forgot to inform me of. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2019 06:01

Cool kid

Today, I found out why everyone stares at my car when I turn a corner. My power steering squeals, and it sounds like a screaming child. I don't have enough money to fix it right now. FML

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By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By Till We Pass Out - 3/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

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By knee2tak - 14/3/2009 09:46 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend "we need to talk". He said "i know". So we met after school, and he said he was ok with me breaking up with him, that he wasn't that into me either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML

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By JustAnotherFML23 - 4/9/2013 01:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

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By Itchy - 28/2/2017 18:00

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

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By publicenemy - 15/9/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By ardenm - 12/2/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 16:00

Nature calls

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

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By jmrz - 7/3/2013 11:51 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

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By offended - 14/6/2012 08:11 - United States - East Hampton

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 20:21 - United States - Slidell

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

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By savagepixie - 1/6/2019 14:09

Ex-Lax Time

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, and he thought it would be funny to steal my ring and "pretend" to swallow it. I tried to get it back, but unfortunately I "surprised" him. He reckons I'll get it back some time tomorrow. FML

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By Carolina R-h - 20/6/2019 04:45

Today, after driving 900 miles, the tongue on my trailer broke ten miles away from home. I was stuck on the side of the road for 3 hours. FML

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By papersofdivorce - 31/1/2013 17:08 - Peru - Lima

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 22:29 - Canada

Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML

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By alejita - 2/3/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

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By Nikki - 2/2/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML

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By supertango500 - 11/3/2013 18:56 - United States

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

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By rosabelle91 - 17/6/2012 14:58 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML

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By Molly - 14/11/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

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By Myriam - 18/6/2012 16:05 - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2012 00:27 - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

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By fmylovelife - 27/6/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

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Top comments

By kushi_fml | 1

#759341 - Thursday 7 January 2010 3:01

i believe it, ppl are so inconsiderate, just like the ones who are calling fake right now
you are probably the same ones who would not help a person in need and u know it
if u see someone who needs help, be a HUMAN and HELP THEM. fuken retards.

By iambatman123 | 0

#759201 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:43

As soon as your shoulder gets better kick the shit out of them :)

COMMENTS

By devendra_fml | 0

#759162 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:33

you were walking in the middle of the road?

Reply

Incubuss | 0

#759179 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:38

Erm.. to cross the road?

Reply

evangldbrg | 0

#759653 - Thursday 7 January 2010 6:16

Why did the woman cross the road?
Fuck if I know, but if she was in the kitchen she wouldn't have gotten hurt to begin with

Reply

Reyo | 2

#759883 - Thursday 7 January 2010 9:46

She was walking across the street maybe?

Reply

NinjaKiller920 | 1

#886585 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 23:58

Yeah making me a damn samich

Reply

ambition10 | 0

#1809204 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:13

lol:p

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4884929 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:36

Can panda has a sandwhich?

Reply

liinkinparkfan97 | 34

#6722900 - Thursday 15 December 2016 4:57

You ever thought that maybe OP was crossing the street?

By tomc666 | 0

#759164 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:34

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7570997 - Saturday 2 December 2017 17:57

Have you ever dislocated a joint? It’s not fun or pleasant, so the poster screaming from the pain doesn’t make him a fag at all.

By aguacomm | 0

#759169 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:34

first haha

Reply

Incubuss | 0

#759184 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:39

HAHA FAIL

Reply

Shit_happens_123 | 0

#759277 - Thursday 7 January 2010 2:16

asshole

Reply

liinkinparkfan97 | 34

#6722903 - Thursday 15 December 2016 5:00

You're not first and no one cares.

By Incubuss | 0

#759171 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:34

FYL! It's been really icy near me as well. Us British are not prepared for snow!

Reply

ThatWasPathetic | 0

#760770 - Thursday 7 January 2010 20:36

Exactly. People should read up on Kitty Genovese. Tragedy, that.

By Starfire22 | 5

#759191 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:40

:D Carrie theme event? Sounds like fun!

By iambatman123 | 0

#759201 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:43

As soon as your shoulder gets better kick the shit out of them :)

By Soulathyia | 0

#759205 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:44

Tommorow sit on your porch with a Nerf Gun (or a real gun) and shoot at everybody including people in cars. When they ask wtf you're doing tell them it's payback! Oh or throw Olive Oil all over the road and the sidewalk!

Reply

Shit_happens_123 | 0

#759280 - Thursday 7 January 2010 2:18

sweet revenge!!!

Reply

shadow455 | 2

#759967 - Thursday 7 January 2010 11:19

i bet ur american if gun is the first thing to come to mind and i bet the second thing is lawsuit

Reply

azhein | 0

#1246294 - Sunday 15 August 2010 16:41

the second thing was olive oil

By cel123456789 | 0

#759209 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:44

fake

Reply

neverStopLaughin | 0

#759211 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:45

how is it fake?!?!

Reply

Mr_Cool72 | 0

#759412 - Thursday 7 January 2010 3:42

soooo many things are fake.. where do you live? cause if its true your should move

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#759596 - Thursday 7 January 2010 5:33

You're fake

By iLYo0xJOE | 0

#759221 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:49

That sucks!

By lyndis_fml | 0

#759226 - Thursday 7 January 2010 1:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

PumaFau | 0

#759301 - Thursday 7 January 2010 2:29

dislocating your shoulder is an intense pain you douche

Reply

rcloca | 10

#3400585 - Friday 7 October 2011 12:56

Says the one with no profile picture because he's to embarrassed of himself.