Miscellaneous: Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 96

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 1 305

04/10/2013 03:36

Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 815

You deserved it 3 281

Our house, in the middle of our street

Thanks Texas

Unrequited lover

05/11/2009 20:42

Today, I spent 65 dollars in cab fare and skipped half of my grade 12 classes, including a unit test, to see my girlfriend on our two year anniversary. I arrived just in time to see her kiss her other boyfriend of over a year good bye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 642

You deserved it 9 329

24/01/2011 19:43

Spicy

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 584

You deserved it 4 795

01/05/2011 03:16

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 582

You deserved it 4 137

11/07/2014 17:45

Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 598

You deserved it 18 273

13/04/2013 18:07

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 673

You deserved it 48 080

15/10/2012 19:57

Today, at a family reunion, we all squeezed in for a picture. I set the self-timer and ran to get in it. 2 seconds before the picture went off, some guy came up, stole the camera, and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 333

You deserved it 2 492

06/02/2009 22:40

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 663

You deserved it 25 688

07/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 735

You deserved it 4 260

02/11/2017 05:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 558

You deserved it 1 164

24/02/2016 14:12

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 249

You deserved it 1 590

06/02/2011 00:10

Spicy

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 888

You deserved it 7 211

20/07/2010 21:17

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 354

You deserved it 4 664

27/01/2012 11:19

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 936

You deserved it 2 657

20/07/2009 07:13

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 286

You deserved it 15 301

11/01/2013 07:09

Today, my hamster died. It climbed out of its cage and jumped off my dresser. Looking for condolences, I told my mom who replied, "If I lived in your room, I would have done it earlier." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 037

You deserved it 8 168

26/08/2015 13:55

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 927

You deserved it 2 497

03/06/2016 22:29

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 603

You deserved it 1 218

Pride and joy

By Unproud daddy moment - 19/03/2021 16:00

Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 246

01/12/2012 10:00

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 705

You deserved it 2 000

28/09/2013 04:08

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 627

You deserved it 4 385

05/04/2013 11:04

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 055

You deserved it 3 791

15/01/2010 05:04

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 189

You deserved it 9 188

04/04/2014 14:17

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 247

You deserved it 4 514

21/03/2011 03:34

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 858

You deserved it 6 680

01/09/2018 20:30

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 044

You deserved it 161

22/03/2017 20:00

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 944

You deserved it 275

02/10/2015 00:45

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 1 879

13/07/2012 20:13

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 709

You deserved it 37 510

Pay up

By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - 07/11/2009 17:01

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 177

You deserved it 4 894

10/06/2014 20:06

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 302

You deserved it 16 443

07/07/2011 15:12

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 235

You deserved it 27 459

30/09/2015 15:08

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 900

You deserved it 2 570

Sorry dad

By janess - 09/03/2021 11:00

Today, I forgot my father’s birthday. My father means the world to me, I just have a shit memory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 381

30/06/2011 23:08

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 63 883

17/03/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 155

26/12/2009 01:23

Spicy

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 435

You deserved it 3 372

04/06/2009 04:14

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 926

You deserved it 6 088

14/07/2009 18:10

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 393

You deserved it 5 556

09/01/2013 16:07

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 642

You deserved it 5 300

Help me

By Backed up - 21/11/2019 08:00

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language, "I need a suppository." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 224

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Top comments

Mlk313 11

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Friday 4 October 2013 10:07

#9 False. Bill Clinton came more than 3 times in office alone

chicken_mcnugget 3

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:37

What rapture is it this time?

Comments

chicken_mcnugget 3

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:37

What rapture is it this time?

PenguinBitch 43

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:41

The second coming of congress?

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:42

The third coming of Bill Clinton

Mlk313 11

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Friday 4 October 2013 10:07

#9 False. Bill Clinton came more than 3 times in office alone

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Friday 4 October 2013 12:17

Don't forget about Hillary

tpm45 25

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Friday 4 October 2013 12:28

I think it's clear that we are talking about a new, zombie based government here... Come on people

fatraptorjesus13 9

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Friday 4 October 2013 14:05

No one mentioned above is dead....

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Friday 4 October 2013 15:37

I think she just watched "This is the End" movie

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Friday 4 October 2013 16:02

the cuming of me

JoshuahColins 19

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Friday 4 October 2013 19:56

Boo

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Friday 4 October 2013 23:23

I mean hey you never know. Like I'm ready just in case.

kyu_Q 19

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Saturday 5 October 2013 5:14

hmmm. guess she thinks she will be left behind.

tournamentdecide 33

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Friday 25 July 2014 22:17

Nobody needs to know that, 57.

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:38

Hang in there OP...

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Friday 4 October 2013 11:28

I think she is playing too much Bio-Shock...

AVGIII 14

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:39

The Government did just shut down "temporarly" many people may be spooked.

honeymoonroyale 20

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Friday 4 October 2013 15:15

Well I definitely am, can't even front...

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Friday 4 October 2013 18:34

It's not the first time. It happened during Clinton's presidency, too. It sucks but it's nothing to be scared of. Essential government functions are still working.

HisHarleyQuinn 14

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Saturday 5 October 2013 4:54

That's not entirely true. I don't know about anywhere else, but in my state, Medicaid and Wic have stopped. Neither one of those affect me directly, but it sucks for those it does affect.

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Saturday 5 October 2013 5:30

And some woman tried to ram her car through the gates of the White House and ran over several cops with her 18 month old baby in the car.

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Sunday 6 October 2013 9:31

she had PND

lucianaamelia 21

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:40

Oh wow.

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:40

Better get into my bomb shelter

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Saturday 5 October 2013 8:35

Shit, it's the 50s all over again!

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:41

And how does one get ready for the rapture other than accepting impending doom.

AnOriginalName 19

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:50

Personally, I've been stashing away cheez-its. There's no guarantee on the food in the afterlife being any good....

graceinsheepwear 33

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Friday 4 October 2013 10:10

First, put a vacation hold on your mail...

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Friday 4 October 2013 15:37

Good thinking, 14. Don't want to be stranded for eternity with nothing but Ramen noodles.

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Friday 4 October 2013 16:03

I'd just lay on the grass naked

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Friday 4 October 2013 22:37

make sure u got lots of twinkies

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:41

really sorry OP, maybe you could talk her into maxing out her credit card on crap for you since she can't take it with her. ;-)

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:42

Everywhere there are these religious/belief nuts. I lost count to the amount of times people have been heard of preparing for an eventual end of the world, or rapture, or whatever the heck. Hang in there OP, perhaps time will bring wisdom to your mother... or to us, if the rapture does happen (got to consider all possibilities).

calilovesneb 12

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Friday 4 October 2013 17:42

You don't need to be so rude. I could counter argue and speak about the "nuts" who believe nothing exploded and created everything.

calilovesneb 12

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Friday 4 October 2013 17:46

And because I know if anyone finds this I'm going to get thumbed down, just think about this first. If you asked me where I got my cellphone, and I told you that I picked it up on the beach, because after millions of years of being in the ocean, different metal particles bounced together and formed it, and then it washed on shore and I picked it up, you would laugh in my face. Yet people have the audacity to tell me something as complicated as the nerves in my human hand evolved? Please. If anything science shows design everywhere, proves there must be a creator. Our bodies and the world around us is far too complex to be accidental or random.

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:45

I would support her prepping, because all that stuff will come in handy for the eventual zombie apocalypse!

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Friday 4 October 2013 17:58

Your fucking retarted

WhiteCrimson 23

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Friday 4 October 2013 9:45

Keep your head up OP. She is just preparing for the inevitable. But I don't think it's due soon