Oh, hai Mark! - FML

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 14:02

Today, my wife got back from a "homesick" trip to NY State. She brought her boyfriend back with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 068

You deserved it 68

Good kid

Dysfunctional

Don't Give Up

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 880

You deserved it 6 746

By tabbycacti - 30/11/2015 13:06 - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 887

You deserved it 1 773

By cunting cuntface of a boss - 25/02/2014 20:42 - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 070

You deserved it 3 461

By ToiletTony - 19/06/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom in a department store. When I was finished, I couldn't get the stall door open. I am claustrophobic and I freaked out and and started shouting for help. A 6 year old boy got the door open for me. It turns out I was pushing when I should have been pulling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 808

You deserved it 51 459

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 47 304

Weird and scary

By kira - 09/03/2021 08:01

Today, the guy who has harassed me every day for a month straight proposed, with an actual diamond ring which he’d burned the receipt for. I said no, of course. Later, I found out that he’d attempted suicide. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 78

By stop it ninja - 14/10/2012 07:00 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, while I was using my computer, my cat ran up to the power strip, looked me in the eyes, and hit the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 506

You deserved it 4 916

By oboy - 01/03/2010 05:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 169

You deserved it 7 353

By Sub - 04/12/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 527

You deserved it 4 340

By Anonymous - 31/05/2015 20:36 - United States - Temecula

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 708

You deserved it 6 055

Smooth criminal

By jack1057 - 12/09/2020 01:01 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was walking to my car from my workplace. When I was about 20 feet from my car, a guy who was clearly on drugs yelled at me and stole my keys and car. Right before leaving the parking lot, he hit a stop sign and then yelled that my car was broken and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 129

By bad_luck - 31/12/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 257

You deserved it 8 451

By pat3212 - 11/08/2016 22:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 398

You deserved it 1 333

Narcissist

By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 109

By sasquatch - 08/09/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 707

You deserved it 33 505

By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 427

You deserved it 3 215

Gamers rise up

By Bruh. - 12/07/2021 04:01

Today, despite the fact that I've lived alone for four years, and have a well-paid job, my father is still whining about, "Why am I still playing video games at age 32?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 117

By fmyhabit - 15/04/2011 05:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 815

You deserved it 57 281

By Anonymous - 03/08/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 861

You deserved it 4 764

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By lindora - 14/09/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 194

By bad boyfriend - 26/03/2010 01:50 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 442

You deserved it 25 210

By lilipalmer - 13/02/2015 06:44 - France

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 447

You deserved it 3 402

By Anonymous - 17/02/2015 01:04 - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 586

You deserved it 38 222

By Rusty - 12/12/2015 00:49 - United States

Today, I did slightly below average on my programming project. Aside from it being unnecessarily difficult, I also couldn't focus on it due to problems at home. After I confided in my colleague about it, I heard him mutter, "I knew women are crappy programmers". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 095

You deserved it 2 743

By Julian - 22/12/2008 07:45 - France

Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answer: 'Well, you don't kiss me often either!". So now she keeps kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 168

You deserved it 44 793

By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 846

You deserved it 4 244

My new friends

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 18:01 - Germany - Dresden

Today, on a camping trip, where it’s raining, I'm suddenly popular. With whom? With slugs! I found one in my shoe, one in my bag, two in my cooking pot and the last one I grabbed – surprise! - on the backside of my coffee mug, which was inside the bag, on the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 56

By smh - 27/06/2013 23:37 - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 357

You deserved it 3 971

By Anonymous - 19/06/2018 19:00

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 361

You deserved it 291

By mcdman - 19/01/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 894

You deserved it 5 869

Some people just never learn

By WhatJustHappened - 09/10/2020 14:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, as a millennial, I had to explain to a baby boomer why he needs to use condoms when having sex with his 25-year-old girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 171

By Axlgrows - 02/12/2016 16:44

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 374

You deserved it 1 613

Mom knows best

By Troy - 10/09/2019 22:00

Today, my mom offered me a reward if I went out and mowed our lawn. After 45 mins of pushing a lawnmower in 95-degree heat and getting stung by a bee, I go inside and ask my mom for my reward. She comes up to me, gives me a 'loving hug' and says, "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 1 588

By ohemgee - 11/03/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 636

You deserved it 4 864

By Anonymous - 05/04/2013 22:58 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 416

You deserved it 3 828

By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 155

You deserved it 7 559

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 00:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 770

You deserved it 7 123

By Anonymous - 20/04/2015 14:45 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 320

You deserved it 2 215

I Want the One I Can't Have

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 13:59

Today, I found out that the very attractive guy who lives in the house behind mine is working from home. I know this because he waved after catching my performance of singing along to a Smiths song into my hairbrush in front of the mirror, dancing around like a five-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 294

By fiendishkitty - 20/09/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, six years after hurricane Katrina took everything from me, I received a letter in the mail from FEMA telling me that I have to repay them the money I received to replace what was lost. I have 30 days to repay $4,900 or the case will be sent into federal debt collection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 811

You deserved it 4 092

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Top comments

Charlie Given 24

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Friday 6 November 2020 15:20

Well it sounds like you have two choices here send her ass packing back to New York with a signed divorce settlement or do what they do in New York give them some concrete shoes and throw them in a nearby River 😂JK😜

Brightside86 28

Send a private message

Friday 6 November 2020 15:34

People kind of suck sometimes. Its disheartening how often it happens.

Comments

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Friday 6 November 2020 14:46

Devil's triangle!

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 6 November 2020 18:22

Eiffel Tower. Spit Roast. Dr. Pepper (aka, DP)

Charlie Given 24

Send a private message

Friday 6 November 2020 15:20

Well it sounds like you have two choices here send her ass packing back to New York with a signed divorce settlement or do what they do in New York give them some concrete shoes and throw them in a nearby River 😂JK😜

Brightside86 28

Send a private message

Friday 6 November 2020 15:34

People kind of suck sometimes. Its disheartening how often it happens.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Friday 6 November 2020 17:39

Fuhgetaboutit!

spinspinsugar 12

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Friday 6 November 2020 22:41

that's NYC. people in NY state sound nothing like that

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 7 November 2020 3:52

A'right, a'ready! My beloved late dad was from Brooklyn. Intellectually, I accept that New Yorkers have varying speech patterns, but to me, New York sounds like my dad.

genuinegoodguy 9

Send a private message

Saturday 7 November 2020 0:10

Ex wife?

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 8 November 2020 4:12

That means you get all the monies in the divorce.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 351

You deserved it 101

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 108