Today, my mother was digging up our Halloween decorations, and... - FML

By Joey - 6/10/2012 05:57 - United States - Reno

Today, my mother was digging up our Halloween decorations, and found the Christmas decorations as well. She's shoddily decorated the house already in half-Halloween and half-Christmas style to save time. I guess we'll be celebrating Christmasween for the rest of the year. FML

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Business savvy

Time for the ER

By klee - 8/2/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 18:43 - United States

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

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By crap - 26/3/2009 08:37 - Thailand

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2019 03:10

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

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By novapine - 1/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

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By JAY22 - 26/3/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML

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By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 18:23

Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML

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By bl3ur0z3 - 3/9/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last. - 7/4/2017 12:00

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By ambulancedriver - 12/9/2009 18:35 - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

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By InsultToInjury - 28/12/2018 04:00

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By - 5/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

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By speed-dialing dr kevorkian - 27/2/2016 07:25 - United States - Two Rivers

Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML

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By lovinglife - 24/12/2011 12:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

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By Carrie_Chaos - 23/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

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By hatecolin - 10/9/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By flatfoot - 9/8/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

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By Jae_Hellyun - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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By olyswimmer - 3/2/2010 05:11 - United States

Today, my car got a wheel lock because I had 5 tickets. Three of those tickets dated back to 2006. I got my car and license in 2008. FML

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By homealone - 3/5/2012 04:39 - Canada

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

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By vw - 20/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By Sarah - 1/1/2013 15:15 - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

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By WtfDoIDo?! - 2/7/2019 04:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she wants to marry me and have my children. I’m 15. We've been dating for 3 weeks. FML

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By AnonCat - 21/1/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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By shotdown - 2/12/2015 20:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

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By Perpetually F-ed. - 17/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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By oops - 19/4/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 06:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By GeorgiaBOYY - 4/1/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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By Dr_JF - 15/12/2008 07:11 - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today my girlfriends "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting & cold sweating while passing acidic/blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By what sex life? - 2/8/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

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By f03_f0r_l1f3 - 26/6/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. Driving her home, we got stuck in a construction zone. I waited half an hour with with my ex-girlfriend bawling her eyes out in the passenger seat as I watched the traffic lady eat her lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By Shitsuo01 - 30/12/2016 01:56 - United States - Douglasville

Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

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Top comments

By Betz | 10

#5011219 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:07

You can dress up as Santa for Halloween. That'll save you money on costumes too.

By Lizza330 | 28

#5011208 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:05

That sounds awesome.

COMMENTS

By Lizza330 | 28

#5011208 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:05

That sounds awesome.

Reply

chell1894 | 13

#5011487 - Saturday 6 October 2012 14:19

That's a little weird. My house is decorated with the traditional JUST Halloween decorations.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#5011636 - Saturday 6 October 2012 15:15

Isn't this just another name for Decemberween?

Reply

sincerelyjay | 13

#5011846 - Saturday 6 October 2012 16:18

#1 I agree! Nothing wrong with early Christmas decor. It's only 79 days away!

Reply

rhaemese | 9

#5011884 - Saturday 6 October 2012 16:26

Is no one else thinking of the nightmare before Christmas?

Reply

NzaHaFML | 13

#5012113 - Saturday 6 October 2012 17:40

I suggest an abominable snowman decoration to incorporate both Halloween and Christmas spirit. (:

Reply

Marrach | 7

#5012142 - Saturday 6 October 2012 17:51

32- Actually,No. Doctober

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#5012658 - Saturday 6 October 2012 20:11

50: I like Doctober.

By Betz | 10

#5011219 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:07

You can dress up as Santa for Halloween. That'll save you money on costumes too.

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5012015 - Saturday 6 October 2012 17:08

Or you can do a Nightmare before Christmas theme!

Reply

VorpikeII | 17

#5012221 - Saturday 6 October 2012 18:24

Freddy Claus, the masked man from the north pole. Gives out presents to the nice, and rips the naughty to shreds with a chainsaw.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5012914 - Saturday 6 October 2012 21:49

55- He's making a list, and he's freaking checking it twice.

By shadow455 | 2

#5011223 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:07

Nothing about this sounds bad candy and presents everyday till Christmas.

Reply

FaygoAndMiracles | 18

#5011443 - Saturday 6 October 2012 14:01

It appears many people don't like candy and presents.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5013842 - Sunday 7 October 2012 4:45

I could live without candy and presents. Definitely.

By ICastillo | 24

#5011226 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:08

Your mom sounds like a clever lady OP. why work harder when you can work smarter huh

By MrBond007_fml | 6

#5011231 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:09

Ok so that's your family... Welcome to the block!

By loserboii | 11

#5011235 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:10

Christmas and Halloween? Your mother reminds me of the companies that put up Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations the day after Halloween.

Reply

WritingWrongs | 8

#5011467 - Saturday 6 October 2012 14:12

Halloween is still pretty far off and most stores already have their christmas stuff displayed.

Reply

loserboii | 11

#5012145 - Saturday 6 October 2012 17:52

Over here in Virginia they don't, i suppose it varies, just Halloween stuff still.

Reply

RealReality | 12

#5012207 - Saturday 6 October 2012 18:17

I hate when stores put up Christmas stuff in October.

Reply

kmsdvm24 | 11

#5013922 - Sunday 7 October 2012 5:19

While visiting Vancouver, BC, I noticed Halloween & Christmas tv ads AND in-store merchandise out as early as September 10th this year. I KNOW that's earlier than normal!

By klovemachine | 24

#5011237 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:10

Merry trick or treat :)

By PixieZee | 8

#5011264 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:22

Christmasween is now forever how I will refer to how store set up their decorations.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, even though I can't imagine a skull with a Santa hat and devil horns bringing a lot of cheer to you on either holiday. FYL

By spiritfang11237 | 16

#5011270 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:23

Just play the song "This is Halloween" for both holidays.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5011284 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:28

Ya It reminded me of "The Nightmare before Christmas" too haha

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#5012275 - Saturday 6 October 2012 18:48

The official movie of Fall.

By smilepatrol | 7

#5011286 - Saturday 6 October 2012 12:28

I think that's even EARLIER than the department stores. New record!