Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME...

By Anonymous - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Instadrama

And probably giggling

By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By graham - 11/1/2020 14:00

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

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By Queen_Dread - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Happy anniversary!

Today, it's my husband's and my first wedding anniversary. I came home from work hoping for at least a bouquet of flowers, only to find my husband passed out on the couch, with a few beer cans next to him. I guess I missed the party. FML

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By Idiot

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

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By Spanky - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By Franigirl - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

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By Sanchez - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By Shell - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

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By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

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By Tamps - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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35985

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By depressednupset - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a guy at a bar that looked cute. I didn't dare talk to him, though. When I was on my way home, drunkenly singing the entire way, I finally noticed he was walking along behind me. Probably for about 15 minutes. FML

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By Dunnie

Today, my aunt was itchy down there and sent me to buy a vaginal cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was a cute boy and was flirting with me. I said I needed a cream and he asked what for. When I said vaginal cream, he stopped smiling, got the cream, and said, "Good luck." FML

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2424

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

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By wrestling probs - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By fucking hell my eyes burn - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

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By KillMePlease - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

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By LittleRed - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By supapimpin - United States

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at training with several of my co-workers, I realized I was the only woman. The only thing one of them said to me the entire day was "DUDE!" while staring at my chest as I took my coat off in the morning. FML

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By ash203 - United States

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss' 13 year old son. FML

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By homealone - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

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By TetrisMaster - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By errints234234 - United States

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

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By alex327 - United States - Dayton

Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By WiltedFlower - United States

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By crazybitch - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

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By DwarvenWalrus

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

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By djxerxes9000 - Canada

Today, I had an in-depth conversation at work about how technically Luke Skywalker was never a Jedi Master. Highlight of my working day. FML

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Top comments

By Scubanaut | 13

#5914703 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Did you quit her cold turkey?

By Bwcoleman222 | 5

#5914719 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

"I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!"

COMMENTS

By ECHOSPiiKES | 19

#5914700 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:15

First

By GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5914702 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Does she happen to have a turkey fetish?

golferman72 | 16

#5914772 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:53

Did you put some gravy on that turkey?

zandalee | 19

#5914820 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 1:47

I would so hide the turkey baster!

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5914889 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:32

I always see these wasted #1 comments. I never realized I would be one of them

scooterdude720 | 19

#5914913 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:04

Don't worry, you weren't. You were #2.

ttubear | 17

#5914915 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:05

You're #2

Stazza11 | 27

#5914926 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:12

Um, merry Christmas?? Haha

By Scubanaut | 13

#5914703 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Did you quit her cold turkey?

maggiefox | 25

#5914871 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:10

HA. Cute.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5914944 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:25

#3 should've been #1.

You_Aint_Chet | 5

#5914956 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:37

That was punny.

hulopro | 16

#5915312 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:19

You fowl baster. D.

LCPLStewie | 23

#5918049 - Friday 18 April 2014 8:47

Stop. get off. grab turkey baster. throw onto bed. say finish your self. then leave

By whatwhatindayeah | 11

#5914707 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

that phrase is only used on thanksgiving

devilldogg | 5

#5914874 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:19

op didn't

extrasnipes | 22

#5914878 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:25

He didn't even bother to cum

Ki11erC | 18

#5915238 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 12:05

4: No it's not, not everyone lives in America, amazing as that may seem.

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5915267 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 13:43

It wasn't literal, it was a joke, as amazing as that may seem.

By shaww | 28

#5914708 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

Thanksgiving already?

By Cassmoneyyy | 15

#5914710 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

Do not blame you. Why would she think that is sexy? Lol. Unless either of you have a food fetish..

By DeadPixel4 | 29

#5914714 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19

I would make a funny comment, but your gf beat me to it.

By penguin_bitchez | 15

#5914715 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19

boner killer

By BobRyder | 24

#5914717 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

Should have replied, "Yeah baby I got the baster right here!"

JimmyHasNoHands | 7

#5915166 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 8:44

perfect comment with face

MLardinos | 14

#5915335 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:35

Yea, I bet he's a real master baster!

By Bwcoleman222 | 5

#5914719 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

"I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!"