Intimacy: Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 104

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 1 357

14/04/2014 20:12

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 535

You deserved it 8 138

Intimacy

Taking stock

Broken heart

Genetic test

30/03/2016 03:37

Today, I realized I didn't want to come home from a business trip because I like my job more than my husband. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 179

You deserved it 4 535

09/01/2010 05:01

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 856

You deserved it 42 397

03/01/2010 00:35

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 522

You deserved it 2 534

02/01/2009 05:37

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend saying: "Do you remember last time we slept together?", I answer straight away "Of course I do, it was great!". To which she replies: "I hope you made the most of it: it was the last". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 206

You deserved it 2 681

24/07/2015 11:58

Today, I asked my boyfriend to go to the airport with me, to see me off for my three-month stay abroad. He said no because the two-hour drive is "too boring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 542

You deserved it 2 533

16/07/2010 00:17

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 977

You deserved it 27 610

05/04/2015 12:27

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 380

You deserved it 3 223

Kinda heartless, but OK

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 16:01

Today, it’s been almost a month and a half of no intimacy between my boyfriend and me. To spice things up, I started going down on him. He burst out crying after a couple of minutes because he "misses his sister." The funeral was nearly 2 months ago already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 2 561

03/09/2011 16:33

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 427

You deserved it 2 906

Strong incel vibes

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 02:01

Today, I showed up to my Bumble date with a guy. He looked at me up and down and said, "You look different from the pictures. I pictured you more slimmer." To rub salt in the wound, he proclaimed, "I’d rather staple my nutsack than continue this date. Good luck to you," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 214

Thanks, mom

By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:03

Today, my mom saw me holding a plant and told me to walk around with it, to replace all of the oxygen I waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 189

13/09/2016 18:28

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 925

You deserved it 845

04/03/2013 22:24

Today, my coach held a BBQ for the whole team. He told us to eat up, because we wouldn't be working out today. He lied. After eating the equivalent of a Thanksgiving dinner, we had to do team relays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 4 840

Melted

By Anonymous - 31/01/2021 03:30

Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 134

29/07/2011 14:27

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 554

You deserved it 10 497

06/02/2013 02:31

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 283

You deserved it 7 387

23/12/2008 04:18

Today, my boss asked me, "Can I give you some constructive criticism?" I said yes. He told me, "Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can't figure out why I hired you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 886

You deserved it 3 652

26/09/2012 17:07

Today, after months of believing my marriage has been better than ever, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with our neighbor. I can't afford to move, and I have to see the fake-titted homewrecker every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 994

You deserved it 2 464

30/10/2014 14:15

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 2 741

Fight yoga, try stress

By Dawn - 12/08/2021 08:01

Today, I went to a yoga class, thinking it would be good for my stiff calf from running. I pulled my back out doing the downward dog. Now can't get out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 122

18/10/2018 22:00

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 909

You deserved it 167

23/06/2014 05:41

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 002

You deserved it 5 588

19/11/2016 09:20

Today, a guy I've been seeing called me really drunk again to talk about his and his cat's angst. He put me on speaker so I could have a meowing-conversation with his cat to soothe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 774

You deserved it 1 307

Rude awakening

By oww - 15/11/2009 19:38

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 161

You deserved it 3 365

18/03/2017 16:00

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 799

You deserved it 407

29/07/2014 07:58

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 129

You deserved it 69 435

08/12/2012 05:44

Today, I was snooping around in my parents' closet to see what I would get for Christmas, when I came across a UPS package. It was the video game I ordered off eBay 3 weeks ago, addressed to me. They told me it had never arrived and said I should ask Santa to bring it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 423

You deserved it 5 094

24/02/2010 05:19

Today, I went for a job briefing, and after that was told to do some editing for them. When I asked the person whether I was paid for the day, she laughed and said no. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 496

You deserved it 3 081

30/04/2011 19:52

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 273

You deserved it 37 350

28/12/2013 00:05

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 3 803

09/08/2009 12:43

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 897

You deserved it 63 477

31/10/2013 02:59

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 369

You deserved it 5 863

Whatthefuckaburger

By r u kidding me? - 09/06/2020 20:00

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 757

You deserved it 296

23/06/2015 18:05

Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 005

You deserved it 4 434

18/09/2010 06:31

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 373

You deserved it 2 918

22/07/2016 19:25

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 519

You deserved it 1 757

Preemptive strike time

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 07:58

Today, my husband compared leaving me for another woman to finding another job with a better pay, saying, "Sometimes, better is out there, and I deserve better." He seriously thinks it’s a good enough reason. We’ve been married for 11 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 129

Modern student life sucks

By Dan - 05/03/2021 19:02

Today, I've paid over £15k a year to have 1.5 years of my 3 year BSc online. All we can do is sit in a tiny room (genuinely worse than Nordic prisons) and watch "online lectures", i.e. paying enormous amounts of money for depression, boredom, loneliness, and information that can be gathered from Youtube or Wikipedia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 139

20/04/2012 22:55

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 608

You deserved it 26 288

05/11/2011 18:58

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 477

You deserved it 9 925

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Top comments

Scubanaut 13

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Did you quit her cold turkey?

Bwcoleman222 5

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

"I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!"

Comments

ECHOSPiiKES 19

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:15

First

GirlGamer12345 22

Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Does she happen to have a turkey fetish?

golferman72 16

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:53

Did you put some gravy on that turkey?

zandalee 19

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 1:47

I would so hide the turkey baster!

GirlGamer12345 22

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:32

I always see these wasted #1 comments. I never realized I would be one of them

scooterdude720 19

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:04

Don't worry, you weren't. You were #2.

ttubear 17

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:05

You're #2

Stazza11 27

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:12

Um, merry Christmas?? Haha

Scubanaut 13

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Did you quit her cold turkey?

maggiefox 25

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:10

HA. Cute.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:25

#3 should've been #1.

You_Aint_Chet 5

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:37

That was punny.

hulopro 16

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:19

You fowl baster. D.

LCPLStewie 23

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Friday 18 April 2014 8:47

Stop. get off. grab turkey baster. throw onto bed. say finish your self. then leave

whatwhatindayeah 11

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

that phrase is only used on thanksgiving

devilldogg 5

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:19

op didn't

extrasnipes 22

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:25

He didn't even bother to cum

Ki11erC 18

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 12:05

4: No it's not, not everyone lives in America, amazing as that may seem.

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 13:43

It wasn't literal, it was a joke, as amazing as that may seem.

shaww 28

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

Thanksgiving already?

Cassmoneyyy 15

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

Do not blame you. Why would she think that is sexy? Lol. Unless either of you have a food fetish..

DeadPixel4 29

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19

I would make a funny comment, but your gf beat me to it.

penguin_bitchez 15

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19

boner killer

BobRyder 24

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

Should have replied, "Yeah baby I got the baster right here!"

JimmyHasNoHands 7

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 8:44

perfect comment with face

MLardinos 14

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:35

Yea, I bet he's a real master baster!

Bwcoleman222 5

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Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

"I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!"