By Anonymous - United States - Ellicott City Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML I agree, your life sucks 64514 You deserved it 8132 156 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML I agree, your life sucks 33009 You deserved it 10198 63 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States Box of magic Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML I agree, your life sucks 1362 You deserved it 226 3 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By poorchild - United States Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML I agree, your life sucks 34034 You deserved it 2896 111 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By blargggggg - United States Today, I received a rejection letter from a company I interviewed with three weeks ago. They didn't mention giving my $200 portfolio back. Guess I'll keep using my 4-year degree to wait tables. FML I agree, your life sucks 30331 You deserved it 3280 54 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By panda Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML I agree, your life sucks 29183 You deserved it 6262 131 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By unknown Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML I agree, your life sucks 33518 You deserved it 5942 62 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By parasheeeet - United States - Birmingham Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML I agree, your life sucks 18028 You deserved it 19887 94 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Someguy - Belgium Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML I agree, your life sucks 14842 You deserved it 56780 267 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Rubyscooby212 - United States - Minneapolis Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML I agree, your life sucks 35261 You deserved it 3697 43 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By changeddaily - Australia Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML I agree, your life sucks 35363 You deserved it 11284 89 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00 Not all heroes… Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML I agree, your life sucks 1705 You deserved it 154 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By GottaGetOuttaHere Today, during my yearly review, I was told by my boss that mistakes in my paperwork will be investigated by our company legal team. He also said, "Think of them as the TV or movie version of Internal Affairs" and said I would be considered "guilty until proven innocent." I can't afford to quit. FML I agree, your life sucks 2396 You deserved it 181 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By trixanne - Australia - Sydney Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I went to leave my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML I agree, your life sucks 28142 You deserved it 3761 60 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United Kingdom Today, is Christmas day. Normally, I'd spend it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML I agree, your life sucks 33623 You deserved it 2317 115 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Guy - United States - O Fallon Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML I agree, your life sucks 27027 You deserved it 1691 44 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML I agree, your life sucks 46260 You deserved it 5078 89 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By docwinters - Australia - Bathurst Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML I agree, your life sucks 44078 You deserved it 4972 103 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Bellucy27 - United States Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML I agree, your life sucks 10527 You deserved it 26352 104 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By snowbum69 - United States - Meridian Today, I went skiing with a girl I like. On the lift I asked her out. She said no. Halfway up the lift stopped. We were stuck up there for nearly an hour. FML I agree, your life sucks 53324 You deserved it 5816 93 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By blabla - France Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML I agree, your life sucks 22269 You deserved it 4709 16 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML I agree, your life sucks 35037 You deserved it 6428 88 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By anonymous - United States - Tucson Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML I agree, your life sucks 26177 You deserved it 7621 124 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Her - Canada - Montr?al Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML I agree, your life sucks 12870 You deserved it 1173 43 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Rob - United States Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML I agree, your life sucks 38717 You deserved it 15376 83 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By jess Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML. I agree, your life sucks 4942 You deserved it 300 37 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - United States Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML I agree, your life sucks 14837 You deserved it 76819 241 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML I agree, your life sucks 47641 You deserved it 6692 90 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids Marking territory Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML I agree, your life sucks 2609 You deserved it 295 16 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By GetFuzzy Coach Class Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML I agree, your life sucks 440 You deserved it 1908 9 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML I agree, your life sucks 20194 You deserved it 1663 34 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By boylookingirl - United States Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML I agree, your life sucks 32914 You deserved it 4979 115 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Eganstein - United States - Denver Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML I agree, your life sucks 26848 You deserved it 2691 112 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By ThisGuy97 - United States Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML I agree, your life sucks 14875 You deserved it 32202 195 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By brokeforever - Latvia - Riga Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML I agree, your life sucks 35509 You deserved it 12230 105 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By mandy - United States Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML I agree, your life sucks 73138 You deserved it 3541 191 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Romania Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML I agree, your life sucks 44549 You deserved it 8907 139 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML I agree, your life sucks 36838 You deserved it 3103 108 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Muddyidiot - 6/1/2021 05:01 Good deeds Today, after I was done testing a group of people for Covid, the universe decided that no, the deed was not good enough. On the way to the bus stop, I slipped and had to ride home covered in mud. FML I agree, your life sucks 689 You deserved it 97 1 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Aryah - United States - Irving Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML I agree, your life sucks 7228 You deserved it 788 23 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Netherlands Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML I agree, your life sucks 38264 You deserved it 4350 91 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Scubanaut | 13 #5914703 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16 Did you quit her cold turkey? Send a private message 480 14 Reply
By Bwcoleman222 | 5 #5914719 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20 "I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!" Send a private message 243 4 Reply
By GirlGamer12345 | 22 #5914702 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16 Does she happen to have a turkey fetish?
Reply golferman72 | 16 #5914772 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:53 Did you put some gravy on that turkey? Send a private message 124 8 Reply
Reply zandalee | 19 #5914820 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 1:47 I would so hide the turkey baster! Send a private message 76 3 Reply
Reply GirlGamer12345 | 22 #5914889 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:32 I always see these wasted #1 comments. I never realized I would be one of them Send a private message 117 5 Reply
Reply scooterdude720 | 19 #5914913 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:04 Don't worry, you weren't. You were #2. Send a private message 70 4 Reply
Reply Stazza11 | 27 #5914926 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:12 Um, merry Christmas?? Haha Send a private message 16 10 Reply
By Scubanaut | 13 #5914703 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16 Did you quit her cold turkey? Send a private message 480 14 Reply
Reply maggiefox | 25 #5914871 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:10 HA. Cute. Send a private message 4 41 Reply
Reply incoherentrmblr | 21 #5914944 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:25 #3 should've been #1. Send a private message 43 2 Reply
Reply You_Aint_Chet | 5 #5914956 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:37 That was punny. Send a private message 9 22 Reply
Reply hulopro | 16 #5915312 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:19 You fowl baster. D. Send a private message 15 4 Reply
Reply LCPLStewie | 23 #5918049 - Friday 18 April 2014 8:47 Stop. get off. grab turkey baster. throw onto bed. say finish your self. then leave Send a private message 3 2 Reply
By whatwhatindayeah | 11 #5914707 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17 that phrase is only used on thanksgiving Send a private message 204 8 Reply
Reply devilldogg | 5 #5914874 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:19 op didn't Send a private message 112 1 Reply
Reply extrasnipes | 22 #5914878 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:25 He didn't even bother to cum Send a private message 3 41 Reply
Reply Ki11erC | 18 #5915238 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 12:05 4: No it's not, not everyone lives in America, amazing as that may seem. Send a private message 5 21 Reply
Reply IloveToLaugh143 | 21 #5915267 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 13:43 It wasn't literal, it was a joke, as amazing as that may seem. Send a private message 26 4 Reply
By shaww | 28 #5914708 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17 Thanksgiving already? Send a private message 119 4 Reply
By Cassmoneyyy | 15 #5914710 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17 Do not blame you. Why would she think that is sexy? Lol. Unless either of you have a food fetish.. Send a private message 20 53 Reply
By DeadPixel4 | 29 #5914714 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19 I would make a funny comment, but your gf beat me to it. Send a private message 201 6 Reply
By penguin_bitchez | 15 #5914715 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19 boner killer Send a private message 84 6 Reply
By BobRyder | 24 #5914717 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20 Should have replied, "Yeah baby I got the baster right here!" Send a private message 201 6 Reply
Reply JimmyHasNoHands | 7 #5915166 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 8:44 perfect comment with face Send a private message 20 1 Reply
Reply MLardinos | 14 #5915335 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:35 Yea, I bet he's a real master baster! Send a private message 18 2 Reply
By Bwcoleman222 | 5 #5914719 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20 "I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!" Send a private message 243 4 Reply
Today, marks almost two years of being sexually inactive after being widowed. It also happened to be the day I made an uncharacteristic decision. I hooked... I agree, your life sucks 716 You deserved it 132 5 Comments
Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him... I agree, your life sucks 269 You deserved it 3373 21 Comments