Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME...

By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 20:12 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64465

You deserved it

8125

Favorite

Intimacy

Everyone's an expert

Caught red-handed

Honesty is the best policy

By IcyWindows - 1/4/2014 02:03 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my neighbor yelled at me because, according to him, the sound of me scraping the ice off my windshield wakes him up every morning. This is the same neighbor who ran over my mailbox last week because there was too much snow on his windows to see properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43685

You deserved it

2998

Favorite

By LockedOut - 2/11/2013 06:27 - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27917

You deserved it

47187

Favorite

By Rawr - 1/8/2010 10:38 - Switzerland

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33527

You deserved it

2869

Favorite

By whiskey'swino - 9/6/2019 14:19

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1869

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By - 6/2/2020 18:00

Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2652

You deserved it

273

Favorite

By HM - 6/4/2011 17:28 - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42644

You deserved it

3561

Favorite

By Username - 15/6/2011 01:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42198

You deserved it

15642

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32525

You deserved it

1989

Favorite

By haus - 19/1/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, I had to go to court to see whether my drivers license is suspended for an entire year. I woke up early, went to court, and everything went perfectly, with all the charges being dropped. Unfortunately, I then woke up, and am now going to be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14195

You deserved it

31298

Favorite

By foo - 1/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15017

You deserved it

24763

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 14:00

Shocking reaction

Today, I was replacing some outlets for work and I got surprise-electrified. I threw my wire strippers in the air while yelling, "Oh fuck me." The homeowner and his 2 kids were standing 3 feet away. He was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1104

You deserved it

516

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 13:35 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30983

You deserved it

67406

Favorite

By qwaynick - 21/12/2010 09:25

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32906

You deserved it

6570

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36133

You deserved it

13661

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36758

You deserved it

6897

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 09:01 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52440

You deserved it

4641

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 11:58 - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33100

You deserved it

9046

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 02:35 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I fell off my boyfriend's motorcycle. I had a few scrapes and bruises, and my boyfriend called for an ambulance as a precaution. The paramedics managed to drop me on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30632

You deserved it

2157

Favorite

By ilovemom - 1/12/2009 06:20 - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33857

You deserved it

4535

Favorite

By Matthew - 27/11/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29757

You deserved it

4541

Favorite

By lacieQ - 1/8/2014 20:09 - Canada

Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44924

You deserved it

4175

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38458

You deserved it

3842

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3206

You deserved it

268

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30972

You deserved it

4804

Favorite

By perfecttiming - 6/5/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58503

You deserved it

4637

Favorite

By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40629

You deserved it

5180

Favorite

By lonelygirl - 14/10/2012 12:43 - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25359

You deserved it

3654

Favorite

By wdones97 - 8/10/2018 14:00

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1842

You deserved it

2755

Favorite

By WTF? - 1/4/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51756

You deserved it

8152

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28427

You deserved it

3872

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54525

You deserved it

3962

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 16:30 - United States - Bremerton

Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41004

You deserved it

2779

Favorite

By FUCK GOD - 3/2/2013 23:04 - Argentina - Salta

Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35964

You deserved it

4818

Favorite

By sydthekid2000 - 23/3/2020 20:08

Remember me?

Today, I called my workplace to ask if I was going to be working, and if our store would be open. I was told that yes, we're still open, however, I can order inside, but I can’t sit in the dining room. They thought I was a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1209

You deserved it

236

Favorite

By I'm my husband's second mom - 3/11/2015 07:14 - United States - Dickson

Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22706

You deserved it

4436

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 14:19 - United States - Abington

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22052

You deserved it

1444

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10314

You deserved it

2454

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30727

You deserved it

7272

Favorite

By Sue - 26/3/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36942

You deserved it

3512

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 00:37 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40420

You deserved it

7014

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Scubanaut | 13

#5914703 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Did you quit her cold turkey?

By Bwcoleman222 | 5

#5914719 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

"I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!"

Comments

By ECHOSPiiKES | 19

#5914700 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:15

First

By GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5914702 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Does she happen to have a turkey fetish?

golferman72 | 16

#5914772 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:53

Did you put some gravy on that turkey?

zandalee | 19

#5914820 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 1:47

I would so hide the turkey baster!

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5914889 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:32

I always see these wasted #1 comments. I never realized I would be one of them

scooterdude720 | 19

#5914913 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:04

Don't worry, you weren't. You were #2.

ttubear | 17

#5914915 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:05

You're #2

Stazza11 | 27

#5914926 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:12

Um, merry Christmas?? Haha

By Scubanaut | 13

#5914703 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:16

Did you quit her cold turkey?

maggiefox | 25

#5914871 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:10

HA. Cute.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5914944 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:25

#3 should've been #1.

You_Aint_Chet | 5

#5914956 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:37

That was punny.

hulopro | 16

#5915312 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:19

You fowl baster. D.

LCPLStewie | 23

#5918049 - Friday 18 April 2014 8:47

Stop. get off. grab turkey baster. throw onto bed. say finish your self. then leave

By whatwhatindayeah | 11

#5914707 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

that phrase is only used on thanksgiving

devilldogg | 5

#5914874 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:19

op didn't

extrasnipes | 22

#5914878 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 3:25

He didn't even bother to cum

Ki11erC | 18

#5915238 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 12:05

4: No it's not, not everyone lives in America, amazing as that may seem.

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5915267 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 13:43

It wasn't literal, it was a joke, as amazing as that may seem.

By shaww | 28

#5914708 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

Thanksgiving already?

By Cassmoneyyy | 15

#5914710 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:17

Do not blame you. Why would she think that is sexy? Lol. Unless either of you have a food fetish..

By DeadPixel4 | 29

#5914714 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19

I would make a funny comment, but your gf beat me to it.

By penguin_bitchez | 15

#5914715 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:19

boner killer

By BobRyder | 24

#5914717 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

Should have replied, "Yeah baby I got the baster right here!"

JimmyHasNoHands | 7

#5915166 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 8:44

perfect comment with face

MLardinos | 14

#5915335 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 14:35

Yea, I bet he's a real master baster!

By Bwcoleman222 | 5

#5914719 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 0:20

"I'LL HOP ON YOU LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY!"