Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out... - FML

27/01/2009 22:26 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 017

You deserved it 10 797

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

There's no helping some people

Unhappy Birthday

Innocence project

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 00:01

Today, my son-in-law slapped my daughter, so I put him in an armhold and threw him outside. My daughter refused to press charges so he got away, but then he pressed charges against me for hitting his head against the wall when I threw him, so I got arrested instead. Justice is a shitting joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 143

20/12/2014 20:45 - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 881

You deserved it 3 769

Groove is in the Heart

By samba_spaz - 19/09/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 2 020

28/12/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 036

You deserved it 2 365

10/07/2014 05:27 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 025

You deserved it 4 467

03/07/2012 11:33 - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 423

You deserved it 28 985

26/10/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 844

You deserved it 33 892

10/08/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 438

You deserved it 5 823

19/11/2009 01:30 - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 941

You deserved it 2 477

02/06/2011 17:39 - Germany

Spicy

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 389

You deserved it 5 321

13/09/2012 06:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 709

You deserved it 4 626

22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 799

You deserved it 5 479

04/04/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 20 285

13/12/2015 12:45

Today, I was heading home after getting off work at 5 in the morning, when a deer slid out in front of my car. Not jumped. Slid. Thanks, winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 424

You deserved it 1 555

29/08/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, the guy I've been dating tells me that I need to stop hanging on him in public because it's ruining his game with other girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 197

You deserved it 6 053

12/05/2012 16:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 172

You deserved it 2 137

Sociopathic method

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 18:01

Today, it seemed like my new boyfriend worked wonders training my puppy. Now she listens, doesn’t bark and doesn’t chew everything to bits anymore. I was very impressed, until my boyfriend told me beating a dog until it behaves works every time. My dog isn’t trained; she’s too terrified to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 143

Old memories

By Will T - 01/09/2021 01:01

Today, I pulled a groin muscle. While cleaning the cat litter box. The last time this happened, I was playing high school football. 40 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 93

30/12/2014 04:17 - United States - Richardson

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 952

You deserved it 3 274

13/08/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 090

You deserved it 2 894

17/12/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 706

You deserved it 4 935

13/03/2012 23:12 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 049

You deserved it 8 647

09/06/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 617

You deserved it 2 232

Balls

By onehitwonder - 10/02/2011 07:26

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 827

You deserved it 3 784

Lovely parents

By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 215

You deserved it 169

29/10/2017 01:30

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 615

You deserved it 263

24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 409

You deserved it 3 352

30/08/2012 01:03 - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 740

You deserved it 2 085

20/11/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I finally got an interview at a restaurant after looking for a job for three months. I dressed nice, and the interview was going well until this blonde girl in booty shorts and fishnets walked in. The manager hired her on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 929

You deserved it 2 409

08/07/2012 15:17 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 470

You deserved it 1 799

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

By DearLord - 03/04/2020 23:00 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 157

25/02/2016 22:09 - United States - Tuskegee

Today, my dad walked into my school and joked around saying that he's going to shoot my boyfriend. We all laughed. Except my boyfriend. He was sobbing in a corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 181

You deserved it 4 462

17/12/2016 03:15 - United States - Southfield

Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 488

You deserved it 611

Some winners…

By brawl y’all - 31/10/2020 09:04 - United States

Today, what started as a family gathering turned into an all-out brawl. I saw my son’s wife punch him, so I hit her. Her mom and sister jumped me. My husband was pulling them off when the other husband thought he was attacking them and jumped in, so my son jumped in as well. We won, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 1 042

10/06/2013 02:27 - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 197

You deserved it 7 638

23/12/2014 18:24 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 883

You deserved it 3 055

05/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 673

You deserved it 3 109

01/07/2014 04:55 - France - Bordeaux

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 099

You deserved it 5 920

24/03/2012 02:42 - United States

Today, while hiking and wearing sandals, I stubbed my toe. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been into a cactus with 3 inch thorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 368

You deserved it 32 189

Big whoops

By Anonymous - 11/11/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 509

You deserved it 4 559

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Sunday 8 February 2009 7:38

SURPRISE CONTRACEPTION!!!

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Monday 9 February 2009 9:32

that's what you get for using the pullout method FAIL

Comments

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Sunday 8 February 2009 7:38

SURPRISE CONTRACEPTION!!!

Send a private message

Monday 9 February 2009 9:32

that's what you get for using the pullout method FAIL

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 February 2009 5:45

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 28 February 2009 10:54

HAHA...uterine punch contraceptive...nice idea

Laid2Rest6661 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 8:17

How the hell did you manage that one?

Durf 0

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Saturday 14 March 2009 8:52

The last part made it even better. "I came while she was writhing in pain."

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Monday 16 March 2009 5:33

SMASH THAT BABY RIGHT OUTTA HER

Send a private message

Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:47

Next time, before you punch her, you should ask her "Who's the boss" so she gets the full Tony Danza experience.

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Thursday 19 March 2009 5:10

punching her in the stomach: the best morning after pill money can buy patent that shit

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Friday 20 March 2009 19:56

awe, at least you care about the fact that you hurt ur gf. most dudes, like the ones who commented on here, dont care as long as they nut. thank you for being decent.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 97

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 130