Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like...

By norpedo - 17/5/2015 19:32 - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rich people problems

In my day…

Mixed signals

By - 24/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, I'm dead on my feet. My flatmate's alarm went off for 20 minutes at 5am, which I heard and he didn't. A car alarm went off outside my window for half an hour at 7am. My building fire alarm went off twice, at 8 and 8:10am. Just let me sleep. FML

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By Airhead - 6/11/2009 19:48 - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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By Hufflepuff girl - 10/10/2017 11:54

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By filipinoclari808 - 16/4/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

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By Hungry - 14/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By baddoggy - 17/10/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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By Parental - 22/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

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By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

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By apparentlytoofat - 26/4/2020 05:00

Superficial World

Today, my husband said he thinks of me as more of a roommate than a romantic interest, and he’s wouldn't be that attracted to me unless I lose another 20 pounds. I was just celebrating that I’d lost 5 pounds already in April. Stress makes it harder to lose weight. FML

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By mrs14 - 11/9/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

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By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By Lizzie - 30/5/2013 22:32 - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2014 21:41 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 6-year-old brother showed me the "books" he's been writing for the past week. My parents, who are first-generation immigrants, want him to take the books to school to show everyone. My only problem with this? The main character's name is "Wanker". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 04:53 - United States - Muncie

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

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By Alice - 27/5/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 20:01

Childlike

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2013 17:12 - Ireland

Today, I was pouring boiling water into a cup, and I accidentally spilled it all over my hand. My mother responded by slapping me for getting water everywhere. My hand is scorched red, but thanks, I love you too, mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

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By hairyarms - 10/10/2010 12:47 - Australia

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2016 19:46

Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

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By Son - 3/9/2018 17:30 - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By Queensland - 18/10/2014 07:20 - Australia

Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML

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By FlatFoot - 5/10/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

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By crosseyed - 10/6/2009 19:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

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By valarmorgoolies - 6/2/2015 18:51 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

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By dinosaucer - 12/10/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was accused of masturbating during work. I was actually just getting something out of my pocket. FML

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By Starter656 - 24/12/2017 06:00

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By Sting - 26/4/2016 20:49 - United States - Manassas

Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew upwards and got hit by the rotating fan. It then immediately decided to take it's revenge by stinging me. FML

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By MetalAtlas - 3/3/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By momac86 - 19/1/2015 06:34 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

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By jayden5 - 15/5/2009 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

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By ether10 - 4/6/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

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By anonymous - 3/2/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 12:07

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, I went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because I was having some abdominal pain. Everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said, "Oh my God! You have two uteruses! Want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends?" FML

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By cookyourowndamndinner - 17/4/2017 06:00 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML

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Top comments

By Mobetta_2300 | 22

#6294554 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Maybe try to put your earrings in a smarter place...

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294555 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Red earrings XD Yay

COMMENTS

By snowflake6666 | 19

#6294544 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:36

I'll luv u if u luv me ????❤️?

hufflepuffle | 13

#6294561 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:43

What are you trying to say and how does it pertain to the fml?

friedpwnadge | 25

#6294566 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:46

A piercing pain, no doubt.

dreamful_artist | 14

#6294602 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:36

What does this have to do with the fml...

jodiitiger | 13

#6294608 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:42

From that I managed to get If You Really Really Love Me stuck in my head... Great; I'm going to be singing that all night

MrConcise | 34

#6294615 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:46

We need to go deeper. It was a conscious choice to put a heart EXACTLY between groupings of four question marks and another lone question mark. What does this mean????❤?

snowflake6666 | 19

#6294666 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:31

I'm just trying to luve him cause luve is da bestest meds for le pain

MrConcise | 34

#6294670 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:38

Bait so tempting, though.

khaoticpanda | 28

#6294683 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:49

I feel like your trolling right now.

By tchopper1969 | 16

#6294545 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:37

get a throwing alarm clock

warsun | 27

#6295256 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 8:23

The fuck is that

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6296006 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 5:40

My regular alarm clock is a thrown alarm clock pretty much every day.

veryunhappygirl | 7

#6296094 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 8:37

What the heck is that? Please answer some one I'm intrigued

By jjmack34 | 15

#6294546 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:37

That's your insurance policy to not over sleep, right?

kdgsmiley | 23

#6294579 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:59

Early to bed, early to rise...early to cries?

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6294547 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:38

Well I'm sure that woke you up nicely.

asherm | 15

#6294589 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:21

I was going to say about the same. Like a tack on snooze button.... That'll do the trick

lyricalservant | 21

#6294646 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:07

not sure abt the nice part but that's one way of waking up. Wincing in pain

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6294664 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:29

That was definitely sarcasm. :P

BitchBeCray | 12

#6294682 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:49

Attack on Snooze Button
Shingeki no Snooze Button

By BananaCoconutty | 24

#6294549 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:38

Maybe you should go to some "hand eye coordination" lessons

OvO_XoB | 5

#6294716 - Monday 18 May 2015 21:41

e_is_for_eli | 12

#6295013 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 2:21

fairly sure the fact that OP was "barely conscious" had more to do with the incident than their hand-eye coordination

By Mobetta_2300 | 22

#6294554 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Maybe try to put your earrings in a smarter place...

jadeleepenguin | 29

#6295099 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:59

Like in her ears, where they belong.

jryan2 | 16

#6295101 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 5:03

Not when she's sleeping! Imagine if she laid on one and it pierced her neck ?

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294555 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Red earrings XD Yay

By ASeeR | 14

#6294558 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:41

Im always saying that snoozing is a bad idea

By dessie5678 | 4

#6294560 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:43

No words

Farmillionaire | 8

#6294565 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:45

No upvotes.

fpants2010 | 18

#6295035 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 3:18

So why comment?

shutupshane12 | 12

#6295083 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:39

Comment

By ninjamadi | 16

#6294567 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:47

ow!!!! sorry OP. I've stepped on them before but never in my hand. that hurts to think about!