Miscellaneous: Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like...

By norpedo - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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Miscellaneous

Triage

Great boyfriend

Added flavor

By Hard in flip flops

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

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By ScandinaviaBacon

Creepy Uncle Dave

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

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2620

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By give me an F - United Kingdom - Corby

Today, was my first day as a male cheerleader in an attempt to flirt. The girls were stronger than me and it's now my job to be thrown in the air by girls. FML

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45620

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By fmynote - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

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44217

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By Mighty Mouse

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

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4652

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By GreenShelves - United States - Lynchburg

Today, after staying up late all week to get work done, I arrived at my job having accomplished all my goals. In my sleep-deprived stupor, I completely forgot to bring the briefcase that had all of the evidence of that hard work. FML

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20341

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By Mug - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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28614

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By Adam

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

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33715

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

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35065

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By jballer - United States

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

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By ewwgross - United States

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

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By Notabum - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By liquidknight - United States

Today, while trying to change my visiting cousin's opinion about our state being "redneck and white trash", we stumbled upon a proposal/celebration in a Walmart. So much for changing her opinion. FML

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21829

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By ButNotBed

Today, I was told to be at a job site bright and early. I woke up and pounded several body smashing drinks to get going. They then called to tell me work was canceled due to weather. It's 0600. I can’t get back to sleep. FML

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By edhere4u2nv - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29554

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By Anonymous

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By wtffireworks! - United States

Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

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By oops - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

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22695

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By Bassackward

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15815

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By Anonymous

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1502

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By weddingsalwayssuck - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found out my best friend has been stealing hundreds of dollars from me and my fiancé. My wedding is tomorrow morning. Guess who my best man is. FML

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35544

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By roostergirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. As I was leaving his house I hear him shout "Hey! Wait! Sweetie, come back here!". He was talking to his cat who ran out the door behind me. FML

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38703

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By Levi2411 - 6/1/2021 11:01

Work is hell

Today, I had to do the job of 3 to 4 people. Spending the first half in the bakery by myself, I then had to run over to the deli and cook everything for the day while helping lines of customers. Why? Because 8 people are on Covid leave. Instead of shutting down the department, welcome to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By oops - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML

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29090

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By pinkXpress1023 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By anonymouss - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

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27022

You deserved it

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By shitface - United States - Arlington

Shared towel

Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML

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1971

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By fuck you, tasha - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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45152

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

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41407

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By CooBerry3851 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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33614

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By damn dog - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40572

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By bbb

Today, I wasn't able to reply to Facebook chat message immediately, so my friends planned holiday and bought flights without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5720

You deserved it

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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49579

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By wickedbeauty333 - United States - Katy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27410

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By Elgrin - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12781

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37480

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By burned

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31893

You deserved it

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By supermanj76 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52781

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Miscommunication

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

481

You deserved it

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By our kids will be derps - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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Top comments

By Mobetta_2300 | 22

#6294554 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Maybe try to put your earrings in a smarter place...

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294555 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Red earrings XD Yay

COMMENTS

By snowflake6666 | 19

#6294544 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:36

I'll luv u if u luv me ????❤️?

hufflepuffle | 13

#6294561 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:43

What are you trying to say and how does it pertain to the fml?

friedpwnadge | 25

#6294566 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:46

A piercing pain, no doubt.

dreamful_artist | 14

#6294602 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:36

What does this have to do with the fml...

jodiitiger | 13

#6294608 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:42

From that I managed to get If You Really Really Love Me stuck in my head... Great; I'm going to be singing that all night

MrConcise | 34

#6294615 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:46

We need to go deeper. It was a conscious choice to put a heart EXACTLY between groupings of four question marks and another lone question mark. What does this mean????❤?

snowflake6666 | 19

#6294666 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:31

I'm just trying to luve him cause luve is da bestest meds for le pain

MrConcise | 34

#6294670 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:38

Bait so tempting, though.

khaoticpanda | 28

#6294683 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:49

I feel like your trolling right now.

By tchopper1969 | 16

#6294545 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:37

get a throwing alarm clock

warsun | 27

#6295256 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 8:23

The fuck is that

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6296006 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 5:40

My regular alarm clock is a thrown alarm clock pretty much every day.

veryunhappygirl | 7

#6296094 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 8:37

What the heck is that? Please answer some one I'm intrigued

By jjmack34 | 15

#6294546 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:37

That's your insurance policy to not over sleep, right?

kdgsmiley | 23

#6294579 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:59

Early to bed, early to rise...early to cries?

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6294547 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:38

Well I'm sure that woke you up nicely.

asherm | 15

#6294589 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:21

I was going to say about the same. Like a tack on snooze button.... That'll do the trick

lyricalservant | 21

#6294646 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:07

not sure abt the nice part but that's one way of waking up. Wincing in pain

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6294664 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:29

That was definitely sarcasm. :P

BitchBeCray | 12

#6294682 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:49

Attack on Snooze Button
Shingeki no Snooze Button

By BananaCoconutty | 24

#6294549 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:38

Maybe you should go to some "hand eye coordination" lessons

OvO_XoB | 5

#6294716 - Monday 18 May 2015 21:41

e_is_for_eli | 12

#6295013 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 2:21

fairly sure the fact that OP was "barely conscious" had more to do with the incident than their hand-eye coordination

By Mobetta_2300 | 22

#6294554 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Maybe try to put your earrings in a smarter place...

jadeleepenguin | 29

#6295099 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:59

Like in her ears, where they belong.

jryan2 | 16

#6295101 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 5:03

Not when she's sleeping! Imagine if she laid on one and it pierced her neck ?

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294555 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Red earrings XD Yay

By ASeeR | 14

#6294558 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:41

Im always saying that snoozing is a bad idea

By dessie5678 | 4

#6294560 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:43

No words

Farmillionaire | 8

#6294565 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:45

No upvotes.

fpants2010 | 18

#6295035 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 3:18

So why comment?

shutupshane12 | 12

#6295083 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:39

Comment

By ninjamadi | 16

#6294567 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:47

ow!!!! sorry OP. I've stepped on them before but never in my hand. that hurts to think about!