Miscellaneous: Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like...

By norpedo - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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26963

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

BO Central

Misheard

By "Tick"

Today, after not dating for 2 years, I went out on 2 dates. I got stood up both times. FML

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2077

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127

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By laptitesouris - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38043

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By JacksWag4 - United States - Romulus

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and testament. My parents, as well as my brothers and sister, all inherited a nice sum of money. I got 69 cents, because, "young Jack always was an immature little shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52411

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By notadoorman - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51021

You deserved it

4001

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By novapine - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43396

You deserved it

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By Justus Buhler

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9336

You deserved it

696

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By goldfish - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34050

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By ignored - Canada

Wait here

Today, I showed up on time for a job interview. After waiting for about three hours, I was informed that the manager had "better things to do" than interview me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1902

You deserved it

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By Eimii - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47033

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By - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss, when I let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19339

You deserved it

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By geedeewhy

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2500

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I gave my cat a little kiss on the head. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he sneezed directly into my face. It's been two hours and I still can't get the taste of cat snot out of my mouth. I probably need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11941

You deserved it

3616

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By Anonymous - United States - Roxboro

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20271

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By Adopted

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14440

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25622

You deserved it

5850

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By he’s just terrible at it!

Today, I had to finally accept that no amount of communication, directions, or diagrams will make my otherwise great boyfriend good at sex. When he's on top, he thrusts like the tin man with no oil. When I'm on top, he lays there like a sedated mattress. He refuses to try anything new. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3862

You deserved it

397

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By Anonymous - Antigua and Barbuda

Today, I passed a car, and heard a baby crying in the back seat. It was hot and no one was around. All the doors were locked so I broke it with a rock, cutting my arm and setting the alarm off. Only to find out that it was a realistic baby doll. I have to get 7 stitches and pay for the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32887

You deserved it

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By wowzers0889 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22650

You deserved it

7496

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By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20487

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By Cat Ashes - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43677

You deserved it

2781

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By ifhehadadickforaheaditdbefuckingsmall - Cyprus - Strovolos

Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML

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50606

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4846

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

It's just liquid fun

Today, I caught my mom trying to get secretly smashed out of her brain-box on booze at 8:00 a.m. FML

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22954

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By friskeyk14 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28628

You deserved it

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By Ms. Piggy - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48908

You deserved it

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By John - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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9088

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By RightInTheFace - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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23466

You deserved it

1870

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By the bad artist - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25291

You deserved it

2596

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

46859

You deserved it

6829

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By Tiak - United States

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86080

You deserved it

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By Toothless_Lasagna

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3349

You deserved it

419

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By Anonymous - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30140

You deserved it

44054

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73936

You deserved it

7954

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By Brilee Bruxvoort - 25/12/2020 09:58 - United States - West Des Moines

Revenge

Today, after I divorced my husband because of his extreme alcoholism, he's now sober and got his life together and I see the man I fell madly in love with. Apparently, getting better for revenge meant more than getting better for the marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1067

You deserved it

179

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14207

You deserved it

1225

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By cathouse - United Kingdom

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32814

You deserved it

4206

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4847

You deserved it

1191

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By nobieb - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44037

You deserved it

3586

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52974

You deserved it

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23373

You deserved it

2234

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By Holymoly - Netherlands

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

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10611

You deserved it

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Top comments

By Mobetta_2300 | 22

#6294554 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Maybe try to put your earrings in a smarter place...

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294555 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Red earrings XD Yay

COMMENTS

By snowflake6666 | 19

#6294544 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:36

I'll luv u if u luv me ????❤️?

hufflepuffle | 13

#6294561 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:43

What are you trying to say and how does it pertain to the fml?

friedpwnadge | 25

#6294566 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:46

A piercing pain, no doubt.

dreamful_artist | 14

#6294602 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:36

What does this have to do with the fml...

jodiitiger | 13

#6294608 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:42

From that I managed to get If You Really Really Love Me stuck in my head... Great; I'm going to be singing that all night

MrConcise | 34

#6294615 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:46

We need to go deeper. It was a conscious choice to put a heart EXACTLY between groupings of four question marks and another lone question mark. What does this mean????❤?

snowflake6666 | 19

#6294666 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:31

I'm just trying to luve him cause luve is da bestest meds for le pain

MrConcise | 34

#6294670 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:38

Bait so tempting, though.

khaoticpanda | 28

#6294683 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:49

I feel like your trolling right now.

By tchopper1969 | 16

#6294545 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:37

get a throwing alarm clock

warsun | 27

#6295256 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 8:23

The fuck is that

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6296006 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 5:40

My regular alarm clock is a thrown alarm clock pretty much every day.

veryunhappygirl | 7

#6296094 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 8:37

What the heck is that? Please answer some one I'm intrigued

By jjmack34 | 15

#6294546 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:37

That's your insurance policy to not over sleep, right?

kdgsmiley | 23

#6294579 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:59

Early to bed, early to rise...early to cries?

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6294547 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:38

Well I'm sure that woke you up nicely.

asherm | 15

#6294589 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:21

I was going to say about the same. Like a tack on snooze button.... That'll do the trick

lyricalservant | 21

#6294646 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:07

not sure abt the nice part but that's one way of waking up. Wincing in pain

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6294664 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:29

That was definitely sarcasm. :P

BitchBeCray | 12

#6294682 - Monday 18 May 2015 20:49

Attack on Snooze Button
Shingeki no Snooze Button

By BananaCoconutty | 24

#6294549 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:38

Maybe you should go to some "hand eye coordination" lessons

OvO_XoB | 5

#6294716 - Monday 18 May 2015 21:41

e_is_for_eli | 12

#6295013 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 2:21

fairly sure the fact that OP was "barely conscious" had more to do with the incident than their hand-eye coordination

By Mobetta_2300 | 22

#6294554 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Maybe try to put your earrings in a smarter place...

jadeleepenguin | 29

#6295099 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:59

Like in her ears, where they belong.

jryan2 | 16

#6295101 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 5:03

Not when she's sleeping! Imagine if she laid on one and it pierced her neck ?

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294555 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:40

Red earrings XD Yay

By ASeeR | 14

#6294558 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:41

Im always saying that snoozing is a bad idea

By dessie5678 | 4

#6294560 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:43

No words

Farmillionaire | 8

#6294565 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:45

No upvotes.

fpants2010 | 18

#6295035 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 3:18

So why comment?

shutupshane12 | 12

#6295083 - Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:39

Comment

By ninjamadi | 16

#6294567 - Monday 18 May 2015 18:47

ow!!!! sorry OP. I've stepped on them before but never in my hand. that hurts to think about!