Intimacy: Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When... - FML

By Steve - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Team breaking

Surprise strike

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

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By StungAlot

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I writhed in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet, that I'm embarrassing him. He also mentioned that jellyfish were out today and that I should be careful. Thanks, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Mask off

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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By Spooderman - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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By massage mama - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

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By mom2010 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By Shameful - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By almost_a_pro - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

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By weezer - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

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By I don't want to be here anymore - Canada - Edmonton

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By ellabellabooboo - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 08:01

No, you do it!

Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

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By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hightstown

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By hjufidskndf - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

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By ppema - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By mjayne17 - Canada

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

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By WiredUp - 21/8/2020 13:05 - Australia - Brisbane

The struggle is real

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

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By Mushman

Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By IAmACoolCat - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

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By soulaar - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By whoopsiedoodle - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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By Noslo - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By fuckit - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By monkers - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

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By poordog - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

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By Raela - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

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By Coccinelle - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

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By hockeymango57

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

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Top comments

By SimpleSimon | 0

#491826 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:09

She did the right thing. Seriously, my ex and I were mid-fuck when her cat decided it wanted some attention too. Ignoring him just got him more and more wound up until eventually he went ballistic and tore a chunk off me with his claws in that unpredictably traitorous way that only cats do. Not only was I cock blocked, I had a piece of my buttcheek missing, and she sided with the cat when I tried to throw him out the window.

By doubleAbattery | 0

#491750 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of FMLs about cats lately?

COMMENTS

By TheFadedGuitar | 0

#491742 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:48

Hahahaha xD

Reply

realggirl | 0

#492347 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:07

HAHA! Totally agree, #1.

YDI for referring to a cat, a living being, as "it!"

Reply

unkinged44 | 0

#492373 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:16

To scare all cats assume the doggy (style) pose

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#492395 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:25

# 60 is an epic winner!
Hell even the OP is a winner when it comes to sense of humor!

Reply

mattmag | 0

#492542 - Monday 17 August 2009 4:21

#59, if the cat is neutered (as it should be), then "it" is the appropriate pronoun.

Reply

myfishisBOBA | 0

#492938 - Monday 17 August 2009 7:13

LOL 60. lolol

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853807 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:25

fu*k the anti flood protection lol

Reply

yashack | 0

#1001577 - Saturday 22 May 2010 0:55

it's not that bad I've been cockblocked by a mentally retarded kid

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1722195 - Friday 19 November 2010 8:34

I'd pet the cat too...

Reply

hamburgerjung | 23

#6109626 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 20:11

He can refer to a cat as an it all he likes, considering they are the most retarded pet one can have...
DOG PEOPLE UNITE!

By KumoFF7 | 3

#491746 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

SECOND!

Reply

SimpleSimon | 0

#491805 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:03

Second place - the top-class loser.

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#491854 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:18

Seconds the best, man.

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#491907 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:49

"First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the polka dotted dress." doesn't apply here.

Reply

klutzywriter | 0

#492059 - Monday 17 August 2009 1:03

hmm i've heard hairy chest and treasure chest but never polka dot dress

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#492171 - Monday 17 August 2009 1:58

Hairy chest?! BAHAHA :D

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#492310 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:57

KomuFF ur my favorite troll

Reply

Kiwi_Splash | 0

#493291 - Monday 17 August 2009 10:25

Same here. Never heard of the dress one. Cats are beautiful, I so would've done the same.

Reply

talbot008 | 0

#980199 - Friday 16 April 2010 4:00

haha never heard polka dot dress but I like it

By doubleAbattery | 0

#491750 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of FMLs about cats lately?

Reply

kenny22 | 0

#492276 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:38

yeah you're right..

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2431823 - Saturday 30 April 2011 4:09

Cats suck

Reply

KK3137 | 31

#5860957 - Monday 17 February 2014 17:04

There are always FMLs about cats. Cats are adorable AND evil.

By spidergirl41 | 0

#491752 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Phrased perfectly. Nice goin'. I bet she's BI...afterall, she likes pussy-cats :D

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#492775 - Monday 17 August 2009 5:48

Hahaha, I was gonna reply with "That's what you get for wanting a second pussy in bed."

By penizulaface | 0

#491770 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:52

was this the cat from the cockblocked by another pussy fml?

By Meemer147 | 0

#491787 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:56

Hey FMLers, wanna find another site equally as funny as this one? Check out Mylifeisaverage.com, not as gushy as MLIG or GMH. its also not as depressing as FML. find your happy medium at Mylifeisaverage.com

By skaffz | 0

#491793 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

lmmmr | 0

#491953 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:14

You sound really lame.

Reply

liteupthestage | 0

#492036 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:55

jerk

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4470441 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:59

I've reread your comment multiple times and yet I'm still confused.....
Anyways OP, next time close your door. This is an accident that could've been prevented very easily. Stay off drugs kids and let this be a life lesson.
*flies out of room shooting boogers everywhere

By natsumosam92 | 0

#491801 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:00

You should teach the cat to guide your cock, not block it.

Reply

lacho95 | 4

#491810 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:04

hahahaaha!! Good thinking!

Reply

canucksrule88 | 0

#491952 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:14

@9: LOL

and buddy, it was a superbad reference
thugbert=fail

Reply

Rouge_Plague | 0

#492424 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:34

#22 win

By Anonymus7_fml | 0

#491817 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:06

Well....if you're into beastiality you could do a threesome...

Reply

ChildrenOfFilth | 12

#492025 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:49

what...the....fuck.....?

Reply

Anonymus7_fml | 0

#494978 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 2:02

some people actually do that.... its gross....

Reply

asher888 | 11

#1029372 - Sunday 13 June 2010 12:42

12 = fucked up >.>

By SH1V3R | 0

#491820 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:07

I hate cats.