Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When... - FML

By Steve - 16/8/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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Instadrama

DINOSAURS!!

Fairytale ending

By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML

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By mettaton - 17/1/2019 00:00

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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By noname - 14/1/2009 06:33 - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By Stacy Dee - 20/7/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML

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By yarhyun1 - 19/8/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

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By Great. - 18/5/2012 15:05 - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - 24/9/2014 17:17 - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By AGeeksWife - 12/9/2012 07:03 - United States - Saukville

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2017 01:30

Oops.

Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML

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By stupidbullcrêpe - 20/8/2012 22:06 - Brazil - Santos

Today, my pregnant wife broke down in tears over the fact that since moving to Brazil for my job, we don't have regular access to macaroni and cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

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By hoping to live to see next year - 29/7/2018 15:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. FML

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By wastedbaby - 4/7/2011 02:02 - United States

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

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By ahappypenguin - 26/9/2012 04:07

Today, I saw a shady looking person on the street. As I walked past him, he said, "Hey, come here." Thinking he needed something, I went over. He handed me several pictures of my wife, in public and at home. I've never seen this man before in my life. FML

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By paidback - 25/12/2009 01:10 - United States

Rejection erection

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2015 20:10 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

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By not a boy toy - 31/3/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Anon. - 1/3/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By Anon E. Mouse - 15/9/2015 11:47 - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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By Babysitter Probs - 27/11/2016 05:58 - United States - Fresno

Today, the 8 year old that I babysit every week told me that it was sad that I didn't have a boyfriend while he has a girlfriend. I got burned by a 3rd grader. FML

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By PerfectVision - 11/9/2014 06:49 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By lonesomegal - 30/1/2015 18:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

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By damnit - 25/8/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By danielle - 23/4/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 02:58 - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

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By Shamdog48 - 11/4/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By OhNo - 22/1/2016 21:28 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

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By FailureAtLife121 - 27/6/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 13:00

Today, my class got baby dolls for the week to teach us how to be good parents. After school, I went to the store with my mom with the baby doll. When I got home, I realized that I left the baby doll in a shopping cart. FML

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By Tey - 22/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By stillkindahorny - 13/9/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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By theholt - 1/3/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

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By Penkkis - 13/9/2011 06:11 - Finland

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML

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By lonelyloser - 4/2/2013 07:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

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Top comments

By SimpleSimon | 0

#491826 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:09

She did the right thing. Seriously, my ex and I were mid-fuck when her cat decided it wanted some attention too. Ignoring him just got him more and more wound up until eventually he went ballistic and tore a chunk off me with his claws in that unpredictably traitorous way that only cats do. Not only was I cock blocked, I had a piece of my buttcheek missing, and she sided with the cat when I tried to throw him out the window.

By doubleAbattery | 0

#491750 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of FMLs about cats lately?

COMMENTS

By TheFadedGuitar | 0

#491742 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:48

Hahahaha xD

Reply

realggirl | 0

#492347 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:07

HAHA! Totally agree, #1.

YDI for referring to a cat, a living being, as "it!"

Reply

unkinged44 | 0

#492373 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:16

To scare all cats assume the doggy (style) pose

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#492395 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:25

# 60 is an epic winner!
Hell even the OP is a winner when it comes to sense of humor!

Reply

mattmag | 0

#492542 - Monday 17 August 2009 4:21

#59, if the cat is neutered (as it should be), then "it" is the appropriate pronoun.

Reply

myfishisBOBA | 0

#492938 - Monday 17 August 2009 7:13

LOL 60. lolol

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853807 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:25

fu*k the anti flood protection lol

Reply

yashack | 0

#1001577 - Saturday 22 May 2010 0:55

it's not that bad I've been cockblocked by a mentally retarded kid

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1722195 - Friday 19 November 2010 8:34

I'd pet the cat too...

Reply

hamburgerjung | 23

#6109626 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 20:11

He can refer to a cat as an it all he likes, considering they are the most retarded pet one can have...
DOG PEOPLE UNITE!

By KumoFF7 | 3

#491746 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

SECOND!

Reply

SimpleSimon | 0

#491805 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:03

Second place - the top-class loser.

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#491854 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:18

Seconds the best, man.

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#491907 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:49

"First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the polka dotted dress." doesn't apply here.

Reply

klutzywriter | 0

#492059 - Monday 17 August 2009 1:03

hmm i've heard hairy chest and treasure chest but never polka dot dress

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#492171 - Monday 17 August 2009 1:58

Hairy chest?! BAHAHA :D

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#492310 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:57

KomuFF ur my favorite troll

Reply

Kiwi_Splash | 0

#493291 - Monday 17 August 2009 10:25

Same here. Never heard of the dress one. Cats are beautiful, I so would've done the same.

Reply

talbot008 | 0

#980199 - Friday 16 April 2010 4:00

haha never heard polka dot dress but I like it

By doubleAbattery | 0

#491750 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of FMLs about cats lately?

Reply

kenny22 | 0

#492276 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:38

yeah you're right..

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2431823 - Saturday 30 April 2011 4:09

Cats suck

Reply

KK3137 | 31

#5860957 - Monday 17 February 2014 17:04

There are always FMLs about cats. Cats are adorable AND evil.

By spidergirl41 | 0

#491752 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Phrased perfectly. Nice goin'. I bet she's BI...afterall, she likes pussy-cats :D

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#492775 - Monday 17 August 2009 5:48

Hahaha, I was gonna reply with "That's what you get for wanting a second pussy in bed."

By penizulaface | 0

#491770 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:52

was this the cat from the cockblocked by another pussy fml?

By Meemer147 | 0

#491787 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:56

Hey FMLers, wanna find another site equally as funny as this one? Check out Mylifeisaverage.com, not as gushy as MLIG or GMH. its also not as depressing as FML. find your happy medium at Mylifeisaverage.com

By skaffz | 0

#491793 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lmmmr | 0

#491953 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:14

You sound really lame.

Reply

liteupthestage | 0

#492036 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:55

jerk

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4470441 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:59

I've reread your comment multiple times and yet I'm still confused.....
Anyways OP, next time close your door. This is an accident that could've been prevented very easily. Stay off drugs kids and let this be a life lesson.
*flies out of room shooting boogers everywhere

By natsumosam92 | 0

#491801 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:00

You should teach the cat to guide your cock, not block it.

Reply

lacho95 | 4

#491810 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:04

hahahaaha!! Good thinking!

Reply

canucksrule88 | 0

#491952 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:14

@9: LOL

and buddy, it was a superbad reference
thugbert=fail

Reply

Rouge_Plague | 0

#492424 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:34

#22 win

By Anonymus7_fml | 0

#491817 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:06

Well....if you're into beastiality you could do a threesome...

Reply

ChildrenOfFilth | 12

#492025 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:49

what...the....fuck.....?

Reply

Anonymus7_fml | 0

#494978 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 2:02

some people actually do that.... its gross....

Reply

asher888 | 11

#1029372 - Sunday 13 June 2010 12:42

12 = fucked up >.>

By SH1V3R | 0

#491820 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:07

I hate cats.