Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When... - FML

By Steve - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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Season finale

Trans women are women

Parental guilt

By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - United States - Cookeville

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

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By Natasha - United States - Seattle

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

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By bouda - France

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

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By feelinblue - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Craig Thompson - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

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By GROSS - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By Yudith

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

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By nekoneko - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

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By GoodDog - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

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By littlelia

Mirror, mirror…

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

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By NeverGonnaHappen

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

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By UnluckyJulie - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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By Cam - 14/1/2020 05:00 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Long secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

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By Anonyme - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 02:00

Cold-blooded old times

Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML

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By Lysh

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

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By jakeeey - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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By Ashton

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

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By piercingfreak - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

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By chrono64 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

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By Mikaela - United States

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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By luckygirl - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By sparkus

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

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By Leaving Early Fail - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By WearingOff - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

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By Ghettogirl4life - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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Top comments

By SimpleSimon | 0

#491826 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:09

She did the right thing. Seriously, my ex and I were mid-fuck when her cat decided it wanted some attention too. Ignoring him just got him more and more wound up until eventually he went ballistic and tore a chunk off me with his claws in that unpredictably traitorous way that only cats do. Not only was I cock blocked, I had a piece of my buttcheek missing, and she sided with the cat when I tried to throw him out the window.

By doubleAbattery | 0

#491750 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of FMLs about cats lately?

COMMENTS

By TheFadedGuitar | 0

#491742 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:48

Hahahaha xD

Reply

realggirl | 0

#492347 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:07

HAHA! Totally agree, #1.

YDI for referring to a cat, a living being, as "it!"

Reply

unkinged44 | 0

#492373 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:16

To scare all cats assume the doggy (style) pose

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#492395 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:25

# 60 is an epic winner!
Hell even the OP is a winner when it comes to sense of humor!

Reply

mattmag | 0

#492542 - Monday 17 August 2009 4:21

#59, if the cat is neutered (as it should be), then "it" is the appropriate pronoun.

Reply

myfishisBOBA | 0

#492938 - Monday 17 August 2009 7:13

LOL 60. lolol

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853807 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:25

fu*k the anti flood protection lol

Reply

yashack | 0

#1001577 - Saturday 22 May 2010 0:55

it's not that bad I've been cockblocked by a mentally retarded kid

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1722195 - Friday 19 November 2010 8:34

I'd pet the cat too...

Reply

hamburgerjung | 23

#6109626 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 20:11

He can refer to a cat as an it all he likes, considering they are the most retarded pet one can have...
DOG PEOPLE UNITE!

By KumoFF7 | 3

#491746 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

SECOND!

Reply

SimpleSimon | 0

#491805 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:03

Second place - the top-class loser.

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#491854 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:18

Seconds the best, man.

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#491907 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:49

"First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the polka dotted dress." doesn't apply here.

Reply

klutzywriter | 0

#492059 - Monday 17 August 2009 1:03

hmm i've heard hairy chest and treasure chest but never polka dot dress

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#492171 - Monday 17 August 2009 1:58

Hairy chest?! BAHAHA :D

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#492310 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:57

KomuFF ur my favorite troll

Reply

Kiwi_Splash | 0

#493291 - Monday 17 August 2009 10:25

Same here. Never heard of the dress one. Cats are beautiful, I so would've done the same.

Reply

talbot008 | 0

#980199 - Friday 16 April 2010 4:00

haha never heard polka dot dress but I like it

By doubleAbattery | 0

#491750 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of FMLs about cats lately?

Reply

kenny22 | 0

#492276 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:38

yeah you're right..

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2431823 - Saturday 30 April 2011 4:09

Cats suck

Reply

KK3137 | 31

#5860957 - Monday 17 February 2014 17:04

There are always FMLs about cats. Cats are adorable AND evil.

By spidergirl41 | 0

#491752 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:49

Phrased perfectly. Nice goin'. I bet she's BI...afterall, she likes pussy-cats :D

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#492775 - Monday 17 August 2009 5:48

Hahaha, I was gonna reply with "That's what you get for wanting a second pussy in bed."

By penizulaface | 0

#491770 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:52

was this the cat from the cockblocked by another pussy fml?

By Meemer147 | 0

#491787 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:56

Hey FMLers, wanna find another site equally as funny as this one? Check out Mylifeisaverage.com, not as gushy as MLIG or GMH. its also not as depressing as FML. find your happy medium at Mylifeisaverage.com

By skaffz | 0

#491793 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lmmmr | 0

#491953 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:14

You sound really lame.

Reply

liteupthestage | 0

#492036 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:55

jerk

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4470441 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:59

I've reread your comment multiple times and yet I'm still confused.....
Anyways OP, next time close your door. This is an accident that could've been prevented very easily. Stay off drugs kids and let this be a life lesson.
*flies out of room shooting boogers everywhere

By natsumosam92 | 0

#491801 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:00

You should teach the cat to guide your cock, not block it.

Reply

lacho95 | 4

#491810 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:04

hahahaaha!! Good thinking!

Reply

canucksrule88 | 0

#491952 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:14

@9: LOL

and buddy, it was a superbad reference
thugbert=fail

Reply

Rouge_Plague | 0

#492424 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:34

#22 win

By Anonymus7_fml | 0

#491817 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:06

Well....if you're into beastiality you could do a threesome...

Reply

ChildrenOfFilth | 12

#492025 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:49

what...the....fuck.....?

Reply

Anonymus7_fml | 0

#494978 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 2:02

some people actually do that.... its gross....

Reply

asher888 | 11

#1029372 - Sunday 13 June 2010 12:42

12 = fucked up >.>

By SH1V3R | 0

#491820 - Sunday 16 August 2009 23:07

I hate cats.