Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place.... - FML

By "baow" - 17/3/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

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Proactive

The Summoner

True hero

By Iguana - 12/9/2012 02:35 - Canada - Oromocto

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

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By duckyou - 2/4/2018 01:30

What the Duck?

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

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By missTyfied - 25/8/2012 19:11 - Philippines - Sucat

Today, I had to hunt down and collect a stray dog's feces for my parasitology class. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 10:58 - United States

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

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By Jen - 20/3/2012 05:11 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 15:50 - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - 4/5/2013 17:05 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

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By Zaak - 25/3/2018 06:00

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By quitfuckingalready! - 4/9/2020 08:00 - United States

Let me go

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:46 - United States - Middleboro

Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML

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By sadguy - 18/2/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

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By agnosticstudy - 14/1/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2019 05:00

But he's only 5

Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML

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By Duplighost - 12/1/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

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By ravenskater - 4/4/2011 02:47

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By Alexismaria - 23/10/2014 20:05 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

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By maybe next time? - 14/9/2016 11:57 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

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By UnSupported - 14/8/2014 15:28 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

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By sk8rgurl - 28/6/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML

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By vibratorgirl - 8/3/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By justdancebbyx3 - 6/6/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and found out that my own mother unfriended me because she didn't want her new boyfriend to know that she had a daughter. FML

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By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By toughbf - 27/9/2011 08:28 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

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By sunflowercake - 23/8/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

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By Godwhy - 17/9/2018 14:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 20:03

Minefield

Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat's poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML

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By me - 9/8/2011 03:43 - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

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By ouch - 28/4/2012 06:54 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

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By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 01:28 - United States - Marietta

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

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By beavis - 23/5/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 24/8/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML

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By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

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By noname - 7/1/2009 11:43 - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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By - 9/6/2019 05:56

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By Trama1201 - 4/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2012 05:00 - United States - Casselberry

Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's food. Then whined until I showed him how to get down. He does this every night. My dog is a genius. FML

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Top comments

By ojosRojos | 28

#7782455 - Sunday 17 March 2019 16:10

How does that situation indicate that YOU were reckless? That doesn’t make any sense.

By TCRII | 27

#7782502 - Sunday 17 March 2019 18:58

So the pussy ruined your blow job...

COMMENTS

By ojosRojos | 28

#7782455 - Sunday 17 March 2019 16:10

How does that situation indicate that YOU were reckless? That doesn’t make any sense.

Reply

Ilmoran | 20

#7782543 - Sunday 17 March 2019 21:00

She thought OP shoved her head down on it, rather than believing it was the cat.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7782735 - Monday 18 March 2019 12:06

That’s the point of the FML.

Reply

zuckerburg | 21

#7782768 - Monday 18 March 2019 14:01

That's because he pushed her head down, and is now trying to garner pity/sympathy by pretending his original argument, that the cat did it, was/is valid.

By TCRII | 27

#7782502 - Sunday 17 March 2019 18:58

So the pussy ruined your blow job...

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7782568 - Sunday 17 March 2019 21:41

Um, the kitty cat? No, not THAT one! The feline Morris the milk-bowl drinker....

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7782609 - Monday 18 March 2019 2:07

Was this before or after you got whiskey dick?

By mas12806 | 21

#7782618 - Monday 18 March 2019 2:34

She probably thought you shoved her head down, when it was really the cat

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7782661 - Monday 18 March 2019 8:17

did you come though?

By zuckerburg | 21

#7782767 - Monday 18 March 2019 14:00

whahaha, sure, "the cat" did it. whahahahahahahaha. good for her for kicking you out