Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving... - FML

By nba

Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1583

You deserved it

271

Tweet

Share

Serious times

*Friends theme music plays*

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Artists are unpredictable

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

984

You deserved it

110

Tweet

Share

By whoknows?! - France

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happens to be my 18 year old sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49759

You deserved it

4996

Tweet

Share

By ILuvYouSoldiers - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

I agree, your life sucks

94283

You deserved it

21395

Tweet

Share

By betchyo - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29659

You deserved it

5467

Tweet

Share

By nekkiddrunk - United States

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8870

You deserved it

40489

Tweet

Share

By cthulhu help me - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32531

You deserved it

2804

Tweet

Share

By nimrod23 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41959

You deserved it

2510

Tweet

Share

By justkillm3 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45040

You deserved it

9121

Tweet

Share

By HidenSeek - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

108622

You deserved it

17043

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8133

You deserved it

84696

Tweet

Share

By hdat - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72779

You deserved it

16153

Tweet

Share

By oldschool - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17338

You deserved it

28799

Tweet

Share

By tenniemo

Today, like for the last year, I’ve been on Tinder. I was having a great conversation with a man and we were planning a date for next week when he asked for my number. When I politely responded that I’d rather wait to exchange numbers after meeting in person, he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2257

You deserved it

571

Tweet

Share

By 751920 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34010

You deserved it

3303

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went running for the first time in a few months. I had what I thought was an asthma attack. When I got home, I realized that it was not asthma, but instead I have gained so much weight that my running bra restricted my breathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13581

You deserved it

31259

Tweet

Share

By Trollface - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

I agree, your life sucks

6171

You deserved it

3571

Tweet

Share

By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26125

You deserved it

4282

Tweet

Share

By microtech - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34538

You deserved it

3333

Tweet

Share

By purple - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32959

You deserved it

12232

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49392

You deserved it

6667

Tweet

Share

By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32176

You deserved it

12500

Tweet

Share

By Lickmebaby - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6658

You deserved it

498

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34427

You deserved it

3640

Tweet

Share

By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30978

You deserved it

6946

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30597

You deserved it

3959

Tweet

Share

By ReallyUniverse??

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4716

You deserved it

507

Tweet

Share

By scarred_sibling - United States

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39285

You deserved it

3023

Tweet

Share

By crazybiotch - Canada

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11697

You deserved it

61018

Tweet

Share

By OopsMonkey - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27942

You deserved it

4184

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15481

You deserved it

31635

Tweet

Share

By guessnot - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38803

You deserved it

4637

Tweet

Share

By Vlad

Today, we found out that the drinks we've had for our Christmas party at work yesterday were expired. For anything between six and eleven months. All of us drank them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1947

You deserved it

364

Tweet

Share

By MollyMadamme

Freudian slip

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44796

You deserved it

6310

Tweet

Share

By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34497

You deserved it

13859

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Desperate nan

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51204

You deserved it

3542

Tweet

Share

By pain - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10140

You deserved it

39771

Tweet

Share

By semi-depressed - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

45357

You deserved it

3995

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, at a public restroom, I caught my extremely eco-friendly daughter, who was on her period, looking through the trash. When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm looking for pads to use. It'll mean less garbage." I then had to lecture her in the public restroom about health and hygiene. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27398

You deserved it

2585

Tweet

Share

By NotTheFavoriteChild

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20322

You deserved it

1566

Tweet

Share

By Miffy - United States - San Augustine

Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2552

You deserved it

831

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By JasonThorn | 18

#7807548 - Thursday 30 May 2019 19:46

Sounds like a sign you didn't leave soon enough...

By hkatz | 9

#7807606 - Thursday 30 May 2019 23:37

you

COMMENTS

By mr_dinzaster | 16

#7807499 - Thursday 30 May 2019 16:16

Fuck

Reply

hkatz | 9

#7807606 - Thursday 30 May 2019 23:37

you

By JasonThorn | 18

#7807548 - Thursday 30 May 2019 19:46

Sounds like a sign you didn't leave soon enough...

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7807561 - Thursday 30 May 2019 20:59

Piss poor planning on your part... shoulda gotten there earlier.

Reply

leximichelle | 13

#7807580 - Thursday 30 May 2019 21:59

Seems they told OP about it after it started it. Or he/she was given the wrong time.

Reply

nadiamarie9 | 8

#7809404 - Wednesday 5 June 2019 16:09

that’s exactly what happened.

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7807629 - Friday 31 May 2019 1:31

Wow! Talk about a GOOD RIDDANCE!

By Traveling_Book | 9

#7807633 - Friday 31 May 2019 2:09

Not to be that guy, but they didn’t have to do anything for you. Sounds like they just wanted a reason to have an office party and used your going away as a disguise for it though.

By Abbusser | 9

#7807643 - Friday 31 May 2019 3:28

You should be lucky they even left you anything...