Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
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Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML
Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML
Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML
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Top comments
watchme 11
I suggest locking your door at night
shorty6823 28
I don't think he's old enough to really understand death... And how permanent it is
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Comments (169)
lightningbug26 5
I'd be shaving his head to check for the 666 mark.
ChuckNorris2 4
OP, I think your kid may be the antichrist.
Faiths28 12
I.suggest that you apply some dead bolt locks on his door so you can sleep peacfuly at night
nevaeh_dewdrop 12
u need an asylum for ur son.
Sk8SnowCO 8
Speak of the devil
PippaButtertubs 15
Oh dear, is he Stewie?
Ashter 20
I'm sorry your child seems to want to murder you in your sleep, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
MissHeartSihk 26
That had to have been terrifying. As I read this I could hear the voice of Mrs. Swan saying" No. no."
coolbeansbruh 13
Cause this isn't a creepy pasta it anything
dragoongirl90 34
Keep an eye on that kid. Could be one of those bad seeds, just born rotten. Could become a serial killer.