Love: Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes...

By Anon - 10/05/2009 12:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 170

You deserved it 4 225

Love

Late term

Weird reason to leave, but OK

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - 30/08/2019 22:00

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 2 540

By pianonerd - 15/09/2009 06:16 - Canada

Today, my piano teacher told me that she "forgot" to inform me that she volunteered me to play a 5 page song in a recital in front of 300 people that's happening next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 850

You deserved it 3 330

By Anonymous - 01/08/2019 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 321

You deserved it 200

By Anonymous - 03/03/2011 14:21 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 068

You deserved it 8 288

By Jessica - 21/10/2009 18:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 236

You deserved it 3 437

By Noname - 30/01/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 637

You deserved it 3 236

By Ladyfarquard - 21/07/2019 04:03

Today, I got charged with drink driving, without even driving my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 523

By mhm - 06/05/2012 02:21 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 495

You deserved it 37 332

By BathroomMuch - 25/12/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 809

You deserved it 7 708

By oops... - 12/09/2014 05:50 - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 543

You deserved it 29 532

By DanteWest1000 - 03/04/2012 04:43 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 884

You deserved it 7 591

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying, "I can come over today. She thinks I've got work." I think he had the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 378

You deserved it 4 207

By Tyler - 03/08/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 975

You deserved it 3 247

By Bearwaitressities - 15/02/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 194

You deserved it 419

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 18:53 - United States - Wellsville

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 350

You deserved it 4 151

By PukinFireman - 17/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 068

You deserved it 5 084

By gimmeasalad - 21/04/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 122

You deserved it 36 800

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 251

You deserved it 608

By hurts - 04/05/2009 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 572

You deserved it 4 972

By jasonnn - 30/03/2012 05:00 - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 206

You deserved it 2 362

By GodMemory_AbsentMind - 21/03/2017 18:00

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 536

You deserved it 4 971

By Mystery LeRale - 15/01/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 490

You deserved it 8 418

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 21:43 - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 421

You deserved it 3 283

By Stormy - 27/02/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 966

You deserved it 13 952

By bbbbb - 14/10/2012 05:29 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 209

You deserved it 1 882

By hatesurf - 26/06/2009 17:23 - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 463

You deserved it 9 934

Sorry

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 00:01

Today, I vented a lot to my niece about serious things via text message but I didn't reply to hers since I was asleep. She assumed I'd killed myself and called everyone I know, and had a full blown panic attack. And she has asthma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 374

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 187

Barf

By epicfailureismyl - 05/04/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 497

You deserved it 896

By Atropos - 01/06/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 678

You deserved it 112

By ceedee - 24/01/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 314

You deserved it 25 400

By Laura - 30/11/2010 03:03

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 963

You deserved it 5 355

Time is of the essence

By N/A - 26/05/2020 02:00

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 184

By Noname - 03/02/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 842

You deserved it 2 905

By Maddy - 10/03/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 056

You deserved it 4 973

By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - 12/10/2013 20:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 247

You deserved it 14 902

By SGreene - 06/05/2017 20:00

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 529

You deserved it 328

By Upset - 03/02/2016 18:14 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 319

You deserved it 5 025

By Anonymous - 26/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, someone popped my birthday balloon at school. Her reasoning was that she "didn't want people to know we have the same birthday." Who popped it? My identical twin sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 248

You deserved it 3 681

By Noname - 12/02/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 408

You deserved it 134 740

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

BeanieBaby 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:08

Your mom's a bitch!

premiermois 5

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:10

Next year make her some "special" pancakes.

jgardner12 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:01

Darn that sucks, oh well its the thought that counts.

FMLrockzdude 0

Send a private message

Sunday 28 March 2010 23:27

put poo in her pancakes next year, say it's very nuitritional

Jbiebs82 0

Send a private message

Thursday 6 May 2010 21:03

Mothers day is may 9th

joqez 0

Send a private message

Sunday 24 April 2011 2:52

in the uk it's not

BeanieBaby 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:08

Your mom's a bitch!

hairt 4

Send a private message

Saturday 4 September 2010 16:10

agreed

JD134 24

Send a private message

Sunday 21 June 2015 1:07

Then the bitch fed her food to some more bitches

Afghanee666 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:09

Taliban will revenge for you and beat her! She is a woman, she has no rights!

premiermois 5

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:10

Next year make her some "special" pancakes.

Suhir12 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:10

hahaha your mom is surely nice..?

THE_Lemon 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:10

You should slap your mother.

jakeeybum 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:11

no offence mate.. but your mum's a bitch. tell her to fuck off. is she latino?

rubyhdz2287 7

Send a private message

Sunday 19 June 2011 0:12

what does being Latino have to do with not wanting the pancakes?

EEBAL 2

Send a private message

Saturday 19 May 2012 14:14

Damn, I'm Latino and know what you mean. Latino mom can be like that.

catatonicsleep 17

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:11

1 lot of pancakes isn't going to add that much weight...

mrkillercow 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:12

ever heard of emancipation?

reallyannoyed 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 May 2009 16:13

maybe you just make really shitty pancakes...

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 114

You deserved it 274

Sorry

CLAWS

Barf

Time is of the essence

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments