Health: Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making...

By themuffinman - 27/12/2011 15:15 - Japan

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 655

You deserved it 3 213

Health

The smell detective is on the case

Mama's boy

Separation anxiety

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 515

You deserved it 6 744

By bad luck? - 19/01/2012 05:44 - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 040

You deserved it 2 668

By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 758

You deserved it 176

By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 015

You deserved it 3 714

By Anonymous - 26/12/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 459

You deserved it 4 246

By Jennifer - 20/01/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 118

You deserved it 10 618

By ilook12 - 24/06/2015 03:23 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 2 157

By Anonymous - 31/12/2009 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and immediately went to the window as it was supposed to snow today. I saw a man walking his dog and he waved at me. I waved back enthusiastically and realised I was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 094

You deserved it 31 739

By CelibateHero - 05/10/2013 06:31 - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 918

You deserved it 3 489

Pyrotechnics

By Homeless for the holidays - 13/12/2020 22:58 - United States - Farmington

Today, after I told my roommate last week she needed to find a new place to live because I thought she was psychotic, she set my house on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 039

You deserved it 103

By Laura - 30/11/2010 03:03

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 964

You deserved it 5 355

By etsl - 26/10/2008 12:07 - France

Today, I've learnt that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 256

You deserved it 15 320

By Anonymous - 17/01/2015 19:00 - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 268

You deserved it 9 269

By Sean - 25/12/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 229

You deserved it 53 684

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 806

You deserved it 4 705

By Anonymous - 08/10/2015 15:10 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 254

You deserved it 2 822

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 04:10 - Australia

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 261

You deserved it 3 351

Thanks Felicia

By Aric - 08/10/2020 05:01

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 85

Seventh heaven

By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 433

By probablydodgedabullet - 08/11/2013 11:30 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 774

You deserved it 4 637

By geena - 27/10/2012 06:42 - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 991

You deserved it 7 939

By mario - 02/03/2019 19:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 241

You deserved it 193

By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/08/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 990

You deserved it 8 242

By birthdayfun - 23/03/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153 180

You deserved it 8 174

By owwthatfarts - 27/01/2017 11:53 - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 957

You deserved it 504

By ellieinc - 08/08/2016 03:39 - United States - Stacy

Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 930

You deserved it 1 388

By geewhy - 26/12/2012 21:20 - United States - South Park

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he flicks my clitoris just right, my legs both twitch spastically regardless of arousal level. He thinks it's hilarious and can no longer take sex seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 590

You deserved it 5 410

By amireallyloved - 17/02/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend asked me out was because the fortune ball app on his iPod told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 316

You deserved it 3 475

By anonymous - 29/12/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 123

You deserved it 5 025

By titoutou222 - 22/10/2011 12:40 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 446

You deserved it 18 561

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 590

You deserved it 4 089

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 684

You deserved it 6 492

By ouch - 26/06/2010 14:23 - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 664

You deserved it 8 946

By calling_while_driving - 28/03/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while driving, I got a call on my cell phone. Trying to be safe and avoid an accident, I pulled into the nearest parking lot before answering. While I was turning in to park, someone rear-ended me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 199

You deserved it 4 133

By gazza - 26/05/2012 20:41 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 369

You deserved it 1 740

By RedheadA - 16/06/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was just wearing socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 081

You deserved it 3 596

Slip up

By clumsyandhungry - 15/09/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 904

You deserved it 8 706

Are you a wizard?

By elaine - 02/02/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 834

By fmlisthebomb - 01/03/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 170

You deserved it 88 934

By blackcat37 - 28/09/2013 10:53 - United States - Independence

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 534

You deserved it 4 899

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Top comments

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:53

At least she didn't compare it to brewing beer!

derpster 7

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:04

Your picture is making me ill. I don't care about your comment, the picture alone deserves a thumbs-down.

supersmeg12345 10

Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:53

That's just nassssty. Probably sour dough bread too

omfg_creepers 8

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:57

Almost as nasty as your profile picture ;)

derpster 7

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:04

Your picture is making me ill. I don't care about your comment, the picture alone deserves a thumbs-down.

Liimitless 6

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:06

I concur

48Connor 10

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:12

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese! That was awful. Just awful.

FarSide 22

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:16

When she can serve up a stack of blue waffles, message me.

Damn_Hippster 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:15

I was eating a sandwich on whole wheat bread when I read this, excuse me while I throw up now...

changesinme 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:38

Great, when does her bakery open?

enonymous 8

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:51

I'm brewing up a bad case of crab and clam chowder in my pants. Your gf and I should get together and make lunch

graham11 14

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:12

No, it was a vanilla cupcake ;)

CapnAwesome 11

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:03

Can you(1) please change your fucking picture?? Thats really disgusting!!!!!

ohmandapants 16

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 7:18

^ I don't think he really gives a shit. I mean it's nasty, but whatever.

Alexunited1212 2

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:29

23- Cedar Rapids :)

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:53

At least she didn't compare it to brewing beer!

Savra_fml 17

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:09

Did you really have to bring beer into this?

thisisafunnyname 12

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 22:53

I guess it's good ol vodka from now on

OnlyOnFML 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:54

Mmmmmm. Bread.

AlaskanEskimo34 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 6:28

Check out OP's name.... that's legit

WaSiSimiLang 8

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:03

It's a great excuse to eat her now! Sexually I mean. Bad pun is intended

xoxokelsey11 5

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:57

yummy bread.

PaulB123 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:59

What type of bread does she eat!?!

PaulB123 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:03

10-4

Sarah_moustache 9

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:59

At least it isn't a different type of pastry. .... Blue waffle D:

Liimitless 6

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:07

Yumm

EddiE_CN 8

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:19

I really need to stop reading FMLs while eating.

Zeppelin1969 5

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:29

^^ I agree ^^

trippythehippy 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:43

Twat muffins?

mynameisminho 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 7:59

i agree.. D:

twogingers1fire 7

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:01

Oh you didn't know? That's how all bread is made.

InvaderAmi 4

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Thursday 29 December 2011 2:23

OH GOD, I CAN NEVER EAT BREAD AGAIN

EllyMo 15

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:03

Did you put a bun in the oven? I'd check your baguette.

Liimitless 6

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:04

Hopefully there's no piss in the oven haha

lrgenesis 19

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 22:06

Hahaha 13… just be sure to butter the bread after it's toasted and more firm instead of when it's not toasted and all floppy.

jobsman99 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:03

You get to inject the special ingredients.

CataracsFan 10

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:04

Does it taste like bread....?

trippythehippy 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:47

Cheesy bread?

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 114

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 791

Pyrotechnics

Thanks Felicia

Seventh heaven

Slip up

Are you a wizard?

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