Miscellaneous: Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground... - FML

By Jopes - United States

Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML

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Serious times

The smell detective is on the case

They're everywhere

By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

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By psychedout - United States

Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

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By scot - United States - Granby

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, then her father's voice. I had to fake constipation noises until he left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mama's Boy

Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML

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By pedestrian - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By Chops - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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By Her - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By Doc - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

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By owmyhead - South Africa

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

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By

Pain in the neck

Today, my mom drove my car and ran had to make a u turn on a narrow street. Instead of slowing down, she speeds to turn running off the road and denting my car. Make it worse, she blamed me for not giving her good directions. Then follows up with it is not that bad. FML

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By Michael - United States

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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By athletiks - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was glad to find out that all the bedbugs have been eaten. Now I have a spider infestation. FML

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By Dexter_39476 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By Abandoned - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Burlington

Themed

Today, I blew Christmas out of my nose. Out of one nostril came thick green mucus, and out of the other, thick red blood. Let the holiday season begin. FML

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By Taylor - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

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By anonymous - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML

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By timmyb - United States

Today, i walked into starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, " NO". There was a 'now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By heyhijello - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 00:30 - United States - Decatur

Bullshit merchants in the temple

Today, I found out my mom has literally spent all her savings sending money to some bullshit-peddling megachurch televangelist, who apparently told her that giving them money would ensure her future fortune. Tithings, my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By lynn - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

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By NYCguy - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

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By EpicFailTime

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

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By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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By Anonymousse - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML

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Top comments

By SlightlySadistic | 0

#185894 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:03

-cringes-
Oh my god, OUCH.

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#185900 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:04

holy crap, so you basically cut your leg with a chainsaw? shitttt

*vomits*

COMMENTS

By christutta | 0

#185885 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:02

sucks... that must have hurt like hell i hope u had health insurance
and first lol

By blackdog_fml | 0

#185887 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:03

damn!
FYL

Reply

spookersboo | 1

#3172348 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 10:23

at least it was that, nothing else

Reply

SecretAgent_700 | 15

#6366684 - Thursday 30 July 2015 22:54

FYL? Really? If you can't safely use a chainsaw then get someone else that knows how to do it or don't do it at all. This one was totally deserved.

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#185889 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:03

so it was like a double whammy?

Reply

paxpix08 | 0

#1152882 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 17:59

No whammy, no whammy, no whammy....STOP! on your head... Lol

By everyonehatesyou | 0

#185893 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:03

owwwwww

By SlightlySadistic | 0

#185894 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:03

-cringes-
Oh my god, OUCH.

By laxxxlove | 0

#185897 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:04

wow that must of really really hurt
hahahaha

Reply

HAN93 | 0

#1888367 - Saturday 25 December 2010 6:08

mmmm

Reply

blondieblue33 | 2

#3249710 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 4:10

...and so you laugh.

By PureGold | 0

#185898 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:04

OUCH that really, really sucks x(. FYL, but next time leave things like that to professionals. :(

Reply

wooters | 1

#1012200 - Sunday 30 May 2010 4:33

cutting trees to proffesionnals?... ur dumb if u haven't cut a tree down.

Reply

caligirl1990 | 0

#2490388 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 23:20

that makes someone dumb???

Reply

Rowdey | 10

#4514537 - Sunday 3 June 2012 4:41

No, a bio like wooters makes someone dumb.

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#185900 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:04

holy crap, so you basically cut your leg with a chainsaw? shitttt

*vomits*

By n1125 | 0

#185911 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:06

AHHH mann that is.. intense

By yummkathycakes | 0

#185926 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:08

Tell all the ladies you got bit by a shark ;)

Reply

jacobs_double | 0

#1141636 - Monday 26 July 2010 8:53

dude, getting cut by a chainsaw is badass enough !!! I'm sorry OP that must've really hurt.