Kids: Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked...

By brittsters - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

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Kids

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

Motivation

By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

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By tgd4444 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

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By atalose - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, my college professor said that anyone who misses the final next week automatically fails, "even if their grandmother died." My grandmother, the woman who raised me, died last night and her funeral is next week. Same day as the final. Across the country. FML

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By thehunterofprey

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

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By katwingz - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

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By Too Late - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By Michelle - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

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By Chris75 - United States

Today, my whole family piled into our station wagon just to watch my mom take part in an arm wrestling contest. FML

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By lonelyashell - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By whovian221b - United States

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By cars hate me - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

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By loserface - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

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By The Sbeak - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

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By Laundrylady - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

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By Anonymous

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

That was quick

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By laurlaur - United States

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

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By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By fuck right off - United Kingdom - Coalville

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

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By bubbles - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By InPain

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

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By swollenpenis - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

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By stainseverywhere - United States

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By kingpin9219 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By why do eggs explode - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

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By confusedphotographer - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 11:01

Judgmental

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

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By lextoast - Rwanda

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

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By OMFG - Australia

Today, I witnessed my roommate pop a blister with a skewer and casually place it back in the kitchen drawer, before wiping what seeped out with the teatowel. FML

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By hakura madada - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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Top comments

By derangedplanet | 23

#6402739 - Saturday 5 September 2015 16:00

And the sibling rivalry starts.

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6402723 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:39

Hopefully you didn't have to clean up that mess to..

COMMENTS

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6402723 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:39

Hopefully you didn't have to clean up that mess to..

By piiiiiou_fml | 12

#6402724 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:39

Sibling solidarity!

By shewenttojareds | 16

#6402725 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:40

Like that one Family guy episode with the piece of pie LOL

By cooltatgar | 30

#6402731 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:43

Double puke?
Her vomit got into your mouth which caused you to puke... I can't unsee that image.

By NotGabe | 28

#6402734 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:46

She pre-digested the food for you like a mama bird.

By nesteremily | 31

#6402736 - Saturday 5 September 2015 15:50

I've had that happen quite a few times in the church daycare and it sucks. FYL

By derangedplanet | 23

#6402739 - Saturday 5 September 2015 16:00

And the sibling rivalry starts.

By yea_its_me123 | 13

#6402742 - Saturday 5 September 2015 16:02

Sucks, fml op

By MandieL | 27

#6402743 - Saturday 5 September 2015 16:03

My Neice was playing with her little brother, she lifted him up in the air above her and he ended up puking in her mouth. We all laughed pretty good. Luckily she didn't puke as well.

That sucks OP, I'm just waiting for the day this happens to my husband or me.

By amvoisard | 7

#6402744 - Saturday 5 September 2015 16:03

You guys have one sticky bond