Animals: Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

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Dangling modifier

Serious times

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By GOT not for me - 15/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

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By Lindy - 10/2/2021 03:58 - United Kingdom

Morning surprise

Today, when I woke up, I thought I’d be sexy by waking my girlfriend with oral sex. Still half asleep, she said, “Robert, stop it that tickles.” My name is Linda, we’re a lesbian couple who've never expressed interest in men, so who the fuck is Robert? FML

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By silverscrescent - 22/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom - Poole

Can't take my eyes off you

Today, I was babysitting my 8-year-old niece. I left her for 10 minutes so I could take a shower, only to walk in on her with her dress rolled up, peeing on the floor. FML

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By housedoctor - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

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By And yes, he does also believe in the Illuminati.

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 05:00

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By Interview tragedy - United States

Today, I went in for an interview at my dream job. When I walked in, I got a dirty look from the front desk secretary. Turns out, the guy interviewing me was from a dating website I'm on. I'd rejected him and told him to get a life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

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By upyours - 22/5/2020 17:00 - Australia

Leech

Today, after telling my boss that trailing a hand up someone's leg and leering at them constantly is counted as sexual harassment, I got called an "unappreciative little whiny bitch." FML

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By wallbanger - Australia

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

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By Disappointed - 4/9/2020 20:08 - Austria

Quickie

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By parisklutz - France - Dounoux

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

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By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By Wraith - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By hesgonnahateme - United States - Benton

Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

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By RickTooBomb - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By coloring is not for me - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By Anonymous

Birthday Boy

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

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By Anonymous - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

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By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Poway

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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By Mervin22 - Australia

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

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By Twysted91 - United States - Milford

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

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By nabru

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I felt bad about rarely complimenting my mom about her cooking, so during dinner, I raved about her incredible, creamy, macaroni and cheese. It came from a box. FML

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By pissed off - United States - Brentwood

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I'm recovering from a brain injury that occurred a few months ago. The newest challenge I'm facing is thinking the floor is moving any time there is a change in colour or texture. My house has patterned tile floors and carpet. FML

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By Rude awakening - 28/10/2020 14:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Black out

Today, I blacked out while riding my electric scooter. Luckily, I was quickly jolted awake when my chin hit the tarmac. FML

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By Dirtbikesnowboard - United States - Cedar City

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

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By more than I wanted to know - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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By a-scared - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

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Top comments

By Fuk_My_Life | 0

#610219 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:27

Ur gonna get herpes if you dont look before you kiss

By sch1ll | 0

#610135 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:01

ewwwwwwwwie gross..didnt u sense that there was something on her finger ?

COMMENTS

By anonymouse93_fml | 0

#610129 - Thursday 8 October 2009 9:57

well at least it was just vomit:)

Reply

xCrackerx | 3

#610137 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:02

Oh yes. It was only vomit. God forbid it was a booger!

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#612976 - Saturday 10 October 2009 4:57

They might have been thinking cat poop. Roadkill blood. lol. There's worse things than cat vomit. Just not that many.

By shangrilaa | 0

#610131 - Thursday 8 October 2009 9:58

ewww that is seriously gross!
what on earth is cat vomit doing in building blocks?
don't you notice when your cat is sick?

Reply

bi_chick | 0

#610796 - Thursday 8 October 2009 22:21

um.......cats vomit ALL the time, ever heard of a hair ball?

Reply

lalagirl912 | 0

#1025940 - Thursday 10 June 2010 5:13

my cat swings her head everywhere (it flyseverywhere...!) it's so nasty! that's why she is outside most the time

Reply

Chocolate_Chunk | 2

#1089134 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 13:24

first, hairballing is not vomiting. secondly, a cat that gets the proper food does not spit hairballs that much.

Reply

gummybear1996 | 13

#5110827 - Saturday 3 November 2012 15:06

If its an outdoor cat he could've ate something he wasn't supposed to. I have three cats who all go outside. They don't throw up often but occasionally one will, and there's no advanced warning besides a sudden coughing. And then the cat will walk away like nothing happened

By Bloodknight | 22

#610132 - Thursday 8 October 2009 9:59

Nasty!

By MimiKnox | 0

#610133 - Thursday 8 October 2009 9:59

NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!! yummy!

Reply

shangrilaa | 0

#610136 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:01

someone needs help........

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#613031 - Saturday 10 October 2009 5:36

Actually, you need help with your sarcasm detectors

By sch1ll | 0

#610135 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:01

ewwwwwwwwie gross..didnt u sense that there was something on her finger ?

By asbudds | 0

#610139 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:07

haha!

By ugadawg11 | 0

#610141 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:20

Is it just me or does this comment make very little sense?

By leisl14 | 0

#610143 - Thursday 8 October 2009 10:24

I have no idea what she's trying to say either.

By Slide_fml | 0

#610173 - Thursday 8 October 2009 11:46

yeah, people have just got to learn not to put little kids' hands near their mouths.

By NCJK28 | 0

#610180 - Thursday 8 October 2009 11:56

aww man dat made me puke 2 -____-
dude 3 words...
Suuuuucks fooooor yooooouuuu :D
nah jk
your life sucks man