Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying...

By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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Kids

Messed up

Compassionate dad, huh?

Masterchef 2020

By KnuckleSandwich - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

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By Hot Pants - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

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By tammylauraine - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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By James4929 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML

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By AuraOfJustice - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML

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By keelah - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By Oraashi - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

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By kimm1993 - United States - Chicago

Today, I showed the kids I was babysitting a picture of my daughter, and the little girl asked, "You have a baby in your belly?" I said, "No, she's not in my belly anymore," and the little girl replied, "But it's BIG," and patted my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML

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By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By wowohwow - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By vat - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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By ahhhhhhh

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

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By emliv12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my grandmother told me my favorite top had a permanent smell of BO, despite my constant deodorant use. I wear the top to work just about every shift. I now realize all the weird little comments my coworkers have made are actually hints to go take a shower. FML

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By needanewphone - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

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By sothishappened - United States - Joliet

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

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By are you kidding me

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I'm in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

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By Wallz99 - Pakistan - Plot

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By Chatons - Switzerland

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

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By allgrowedup - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

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By E.B. - United States - Grenada

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

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By Savy - United States - Mesa

Today, I was tailgated by a car with his high beams on for an hour. Any time I changed my speed or lane, he would do the same. I finally managed to get away from him because a cop pulled me over and gave me a speeding ticket. FML

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By anahira6 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss' son is training to take over my job as head translator, after having convinced his dad that he's fluent in Spanish, and that my skills suck. I soon walked in on him using Google Translate on a legal document. My boss refuses to believe me. FML

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By DIY560 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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By UGH - United States

Today, my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She's a screamer. FML

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By Anonymous - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

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By trackgurl - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

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By ADH2000 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By Frouse

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 6 months of training and going to the gym every day, I realized that the only thing I've lost is $300 worth of gas. FML

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By wideawakeandinpain - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

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Top comments

By nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1658964 - Saturday 6 November 2010 17:36

My cousin was doing the airplane thing with me when I was little, and she gave me a stick of gum beforehand. The gum ended up being spat in her hair.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#1658730 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:56

The price you pay to make your baby smile. All babies love the flying game. Next time don't do it right after they eat. But they still might vomit none the less.

COMMENTS

By w2z1 | 0

#1658681 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:49

Lawlz.

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1658954 - Saturday 6 November 2010 17:30

Yeah OP when your daughter grows up she will be perfect on Roller Coaster Rides...

KingDingALing | 9

#1658974 - Saturday 6 November 2010 17:39

^ Win. And another thing, she will be good at riding...you know what. ;p

Icyyy | 0

#1659633 - Saturday 6 November 2010 21:32

http://abcnews.go.com/m/screen?id=12074915&pid=4380645

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1660591 - Sunday 7 November 2010 3:13

don't blame her she was just experiencing a bit of turbulence

By zeta_pangolin | 1

#1658686 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:49

lol, I can just imagine this happening. Also, I modded this one?

cusof | 0

#1660056 - Sunday 7 November 2010 0:20

pics or it didnt happen

By hidingoutt7 | 0

#1658697 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:51

yummy

By blocparty | 0

#1658703 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:52

aww shame man, atleast your doing your role as a parent and are caring :)

By Ryonix | 0

#1658710 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:53

ydi. mouth closes when your with kids under like 4. spank that ass

sourgirl101 | 28

#1658816 - Saturday 6 November 2010 16:22

Bad joke I hope. I want to spank your ass for even suggesting a 4 month old should get hit.

snb46 | 0

#1659534 - Saturday 6 November 2010 21:08

you know u have alot of nerve even joking like that some one call animal controle cuz I think I found a rare spices called a$$ holes

Sinkhole | 26

#1659749 - Saturday 6 November 2010 22:37

I was just thinking the same thing Pen, but I'm sure you would have noticed if you were flavouring your food with that new rare spice!

By crumbycool881 | 0

#1658720 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:55

mmmmm yummy

By sourgirl101 | 28

#1658730 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:56

The price you pay to make your baby smile. All babies love the flying game. Next time don't do it right after they eat. But they still might vomit none the less.

By riseagainst8767x | 0

#1658732 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:57

aw man that's nasty...

By xX_rawr_KiTTiEXx | 0

#1658747 - Saturday 6 November 2010 16:00

Gross, I hope it didn't go into your mouth & swallow it. x(

By h4ppys3xym3 | 6

#1658768 - Saturday 6 November 2010 16:06

My son did the same thing when he was about the same age LOL, I feel for you...