Kids: Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying...

By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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Kids

Taking stock

Very fishy

Risky business

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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By Cupcakes - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

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By Alicia - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By chels

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

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By Anonymous

Hmmm, nutritious!

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

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By hate enough to kill... - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

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By Msmerfner - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 08:00

Never? NEVER?!

Today, I had a fight with my grandma again with whom I've been living for 4 years due to college hostel being below par. She blamed me for destroying her kitchen equipment by extensively cooking, especially at night. I've never placed a foot inside her kitchen since the beginning. FML

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By disfunctionalfamily - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

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By coppervains - United States - Livonia

Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML

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By Awkward - Bahrain

Today, while lighting a cigarette, I learned the hard way that the amount of styling mousse I used to get my curly hair to become manageable, is the roughly same amount that causes it to become highly flammable. FML

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By sadday - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By Ignatius - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By pinkrazorsare4men

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

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By sheridan.ashley - Australia

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

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By disappointed - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

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By maidmyday - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

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By - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

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By ShaunBomb - United States

Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

What's more embarrassing?

Today, I pulled out an annoying nose hair with a tweezer and it made me cry. Not particularly painful but it triggered the tear duct. Had to pretend it was from yawning when someone asked why the teary eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child, we chose a Japanese hibachi restaurant. They sat us with a family with a toddler, who started screaming at the first flame trick, causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining. FML

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By headache

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By prayforme - United States

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

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By danam - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By Embarassed - Canada - Vancouver

Masterchef

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By carriageway - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By no car - 4/8/2020 17:04

Car Wars

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 23:58 - Antigua and Barbuda - Saint John's

Caring

Today, I woke up with a fever, headache and sore throat. All the symptoms of Covid-19. I told my husband, whose responded with, "Sack up and get over yourself." FML

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By Mr. X - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho ex got into my wedding ceremony and attacked my wife. FML

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Top comments

By nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1658964 - Saturday 6 November 2010 17:36

My cousin was doing the airplane thing with me when I was little, and she gave me a stick of gum beforehand. The gum ended up being spat in her hair.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#1658730 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:56

The price you pay to make your baby smile. All babies love the flying game. Next time don't do it right after they eat. But they still might vomit none the less.

COMMENTS

By w2z1 | 0

#1658681 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:49

Lawlz.

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1658954 - Saturday 6 November 2010 17:30

Yeah OP when your daughter grows up she will be perfect on Roller Coaster Rides...

KingDingALing | 9

#1658974 - Saturday 6 November 2010 17:39

^ Win. And another thing, she will be good at riding...you know what. ;p

Icyyy | 0

#1659633 - Saturday 6 November 2010 21:32

http://abcnews.go.com/m/screen?id=12074915&pid=4380645

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1660591 - Sunday 7 November 2010 3:13

don't blame her she was just experiencing a bit of turbulence

By zeta_pangolin | 1

#1658686 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:49

lol, I can just imagine this happening. Also, I modded this one?

cusof | 0

#1660056 - Sunday 7 November 2010 0:20

pics or it didnt happen

By hidingoutt7 | 0

#1658697 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:51

yummy

By blocparty | 0

#1658703 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:52

aww shame man, atleast your doing your role as a parent and are caring :)

By Ryonix | 0

#1658710 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:53

ydi. mouth closes when your with kids under like 4. spank that ass

sourgirl101 | 28

#1658816 - Saturday 6 November 2010 16:22

Bad joke I hope. I want to spank your ass for even suggesting a 4 month old should get hit.

snb46 | 0

#1659534 - Saturday 6 November 2010 21:08

you know u have alot of nerve even joking like that some one call animal controle cuz I think I found a rare spices called a$$ holes

Sinkhole | 26

#1659749 - Saturday 6 November 2010 22:37

I was just thinking the same thing Pen, but I'm sure you would have noticed if you were flavouring your food with that new rare spice!

By crumbycool881 | 0

#1658720 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:55

mmmmm yummy

By sourgirl101 | 28

#1658730 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:56

The price you pay to make your baby smile. All babies love the flying game. Next time don't do it right after they eat. But they still might vomit none the less.

By riseagainst8767x | 0

#1658732 - Saturday 6 November 2010 15:57

aw man that's nasty...

By xX_rawr_KiTTiEXx | 0

#1658747 - Saturday 6 November 2010 16:00

Gross, I hope it didn't go into your mouth & swallow it. x(

By h4ppys3xym3 | 6

#1658768 - Saturday 6 November 2010 16:06

My son did the same thing when he was about the same age LOL, I feel for you...