By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 16:01 - United States - Nashville

Chain reaction

Today, my 7-month-old spit up on the floor. My 3-year-old puts their hands in it, sniffed, and puked. Then sticks their hands in their own puke, sniffed, and puked again. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Night terrors

Vampires are everywhere

By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By Grossed Out - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

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By CandyMachine - United States

Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML

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By -_- - Australia - Elwood

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

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By Mick - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

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By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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By Meow - Singapore

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

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By MissedTheBoat - Canada - Calgary

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rohnert Park

Almost there

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon, I was nervous; eight, I was pissed. Around ten, I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

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By "taelor14"

Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML

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By vsshopper - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

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By sierra808 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 05:01

Zamboni please

Today, I took a part time job at McDonald’s and started working in the kitchen. The floor is so greasy, you can’t walk normally, you move around like you’re on an ice rink. With some momentum built up, you can even slide a couple of meters when no one is looking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

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By ewicsmelly - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

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By prayforme - United States

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By momma6126 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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By You must be joking

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By GroosedOut - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Mechanicsburg

Contact tracing

Today, I woke up to a text from my girlfriend telling me to call when I wake up. Turns out she had one of her friends over who tested positive for Covid and I was just at her house, so now I’m forced to quarantine. FML

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By xorenae - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

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By AAA guy - United States

Today, while on the job I accidentally locked my keys and all of my equipment in the car. I work for the AAA. FML

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By BrokeAF

Today, I eagerly applied for a high-salary, fully supportive graduate program that I qualified for. There were 5 steps in the application process. I was turned down after the first one. FML

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By

He is worried

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

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By ThatIsNotIt - 24/1/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Underperforming

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

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By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

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By Clumsy76

Today, I moved into a new downstairs flat. I promptly fell down said stairs. I have a broken pelvis now and can't walk or go down steps for 3 months. FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7935153 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 3:01

Is this like “two kids one floor”?

By tounces7 | 27

#7935277 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 20:09

Your 3 year old is special needs.....right?

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7935153 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 3:01

Is this like “two kids one floor”?

By mccuish | 22

#7935174 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 7:11

I probably would’ve liked also if I had touch the puke

By tounces7 | 27

#7935277 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 20:09

Your 3 year old is special needs.....right?

Reply

Charlie Given | 23

#7935282 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 20:41

Umm no it's not a 3yr old they do weird shit

By Mathalamus | 24

#7935295 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 21:22

Perfectly normal.

By Hangryko | 18

#7935312 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 22:51

Welcome to parenthood.