Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided...

By annabellebyebye - 16/8/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

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Animals

White line fever

Running commentary

Headache

By NoOrdinaryNZer - 27/7/2015 09:25 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 16:33 - United States - Orlando

Today, I eavesdropped as my friend tried hinting to my crush that I like him. He replied, "Haha, eww. She looks like a fuckin' garden gnome." FML

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By myboyfriendisweird - 5/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

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By Taylor - 21/4/2014 04:04 - United States - Dubuque

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

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By Jello - 26/2/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 19:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

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By - 13/11/2008 03:01 - France

Today, I scratched my cornea and have to wear a large bandage covering my eye. I'm off today, but I'll probably have to wear it to school tomorrow. FML

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By pacificbeach - 2/3/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

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By Eloise - 21/3/2017 14:00

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

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By Gavin - 20/2/2012 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

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By anonymous - 14/6/2016 16:47 - United States - Inverness

Today, after months of helping my mother with bills because she claimed she had no money, I found out she makes way more than what I do. She just wanted my money for alcohol and drugs. FML

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By theflasher - 13/8/2015 21:10 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2015 18:23 - United States - Cheyenne

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By concernedson - 12/9/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 22:29 - Canada

Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 16:20 - United States - Palmdale

Today, my boyfriend of several years, and father of our one-year-old child, finally proposed. He was making idle conversation from twenty feet away and casually said, "By the way, you wanna get hitched?" This is as romantic as my life will ever get. Yay. FML

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By anonix - 21/12/2014 19:08 - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 07:18 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By LassieToe - 30/3/2012 03:48 - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

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By aridaley - 21/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML

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By kellyem2 - 3/3/2016 18:21

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

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By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - 26/4/2014 19:55 - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:40 - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 15:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 20:41 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By Sebastian20 - 8/5/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

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By wow babe - 19/11/2012 17:46 - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

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By middleagednurse - 4/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By dumb mother - 31/1/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 20:00

My stupidity

Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one, when I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor, I had to wait in the girl's bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML.

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By linzl00 - 6/12/2013 12:21 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

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By mywillyisdisappointed - 5/12/2015 01:57 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

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By Pims - 15/4/2017 12:00

Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 14:16 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 02:00 - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 12:53 - United States

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

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Top comments

By Lia_Mackenzie | 4

#491428 - Sunday 16 August 2009 20:18

Wouldn't you be aware of that allergy BEFORE you got the cat? You've never had allergy tests done, or gotten a stuffy nose when you were around your friends' cats?
I suggest shots if you want to keep it. Either that, or zyrtec. Zyrtec (allergy medication) is WONDERFUL. I'm (supposedly) allergic, and I don't react to my cat at all.

By Shock98 | 0

#491369 - Sunday 16 August 2009 20:08

so get some allergy medicine.

Comments

By iilovehaters | 0

#491364 - Sunday 16 August 2009 20:07

ydi for being a nerd

cherrypieguy | 0

#491439 - Sunday 16 August 2009 20:21

YDI FOR HAVING A CAT FETISH

fwertyh8r | 0

#491700 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:25

aw that sucks.
BTW, what does OP stand for?

YDITROLL | 0

#491703 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:26

YDI for being allergic to cats

yaintime21 | 0

#491712 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:31

wow. you didn't know you were allergic?

smart...

americayay | 0

#491766 - Sunday 16 August 2009 22:52

It makes sense that she didn't know she was allergic. I mean, if she's never had a cat, how would she? OP, you could try some medication and see if that works. Hopefully it's not too bad.

slasher29 | 0

#491980 - Monday 17 August 2009 0:25

it stands for "original poster" referring to the person who wrote the fml. in this case, that would be 'annabellebyebye'

cherrypieguy | 0

#492302 - Monday 17 August 2009 2:50

Original poster

unkinged44 | 0

#492367 - Monday 17 August 2009 3:14

YDI for having dreams

lovealy28 | 0

#494168 - Monday 17 August 2009 20:17

ydi for buying and not adopting...save a life!

SimpleSimon | 0

#494445 - Monday 17 August 2009 22:30

Everybody who keeps bringing out the line about adopting rather than buying: Where do you think all the new-born animals will go if people suddenly stop buying them? That's right - SHELTERS.

harlehatschi | 0

#508542 - Sunday 23 August 2009 4:26

i'm allergic to some cats, but my own cat doesn't give me hayfever or anything. she has very long, thick fur, so maybe its cause the flyaway/shedded fur don't get in my eyes or in my nose. maybe you could look into getting a maine coon?