By Jack Slate - 12/12/2020 11:02

Leave me alone!

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

670

115

There's no helping some people

Uninvolved

Stress level: 2020

By glitterzebra - United States

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26186

You deserved it

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By Skyhopee - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30891

You deserved it

6268

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By Username - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36844

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5089

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By blackberrybummer - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30913

You deserved it

5603

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By Swabidizop - United States - Greeley

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27966

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30593

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6687

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By TMI - United States

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30449

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2863

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By team hit bella with a car - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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37399

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3701

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By Poopyhead - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30635

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML

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48579

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By waterdog - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38496

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4332

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21106

You deserved it

1316

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8554

You deserved it

38314

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By Scarlett_Pixie - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7438

You deserved it

1054

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31500

You deserved it

3949

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30592

You deserved it

1742

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By therundown - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49483

You deserved it

3963

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39264

You deserved it

7873

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By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36653

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3209

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13599

You deserved it

30466

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By Glassless

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4056

You deserved it

464

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By human

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1446

You deserved it

219

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By newlyneurotic - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3990

You deserved it

325

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By TedX - 19/8/2020 20:07

Denial

Today, at 18, I finally told my mom I was gay. She spent the rest of the day bringing up my "future wife" at every possible chance she had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1493

You deserved it

202

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20776

You deserved it

62852

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By Catremorse - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1279

You deserved it

509

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By DarrenP - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I got a burn on my foot from a Pot Noodle I didn't even want. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1155

You deserved it

139

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By fuckingads - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7541

You deserved it

2041

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By Ear Invasion - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36285

You deserved it

3438

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35289

You deserved it

5192

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By mikeycoco

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44167

You deserved it

6868

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By biotch - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44599

You deserved it

6380

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By stillkindahorny - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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37644

You deserved it

4691

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By toto13660

Today, at the beach, a seagull conveyed its opinion of my cigarette by taking a dump on it, putting it out. Seems they have anti-tobacco sniper seagulls now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7313

You deserved it

12997

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By arrogantlondon - United States

Today, I went shopping with my friend. The store was having a special where if you spend over $75 you receive a free T-shirt. I paid for my items and my total was over $75. The salesman didn't hand me a shirt so I asked him for one. He looks at me and says "I'm sorry, we only have Mediums." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61305

You deserved it

7376

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6829

You deserved it

438

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By screwed - United States

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, "That's so funny! It's a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours." FML

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67568

You deserved it

12589

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By Never Again - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12284

You deserved it

4181

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30894

You deserved it

7224

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By Mr_poole - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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50780

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7957550 - Saturday 12 December 2020 15:46

You can block her or set Do Not Disturb times on your phone when you need to breathe.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7957543 - Saturday 12 December 2020 15:05

On the flip side, Kevin McCallister's mom couldn't give a shit about him. Twice.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7957543 - Saturday 12 December 2020 15:05

On the flip side, Kevin McCallister's mom couldn't give a shit about him. Twice.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

By FerociousCookie | 11

#7957548 - Saturday 12 December 2020 15:39

Did you mention to your dad that you feel smothered? Because how you answer this will determine how I vote.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7957550 - Saturday 12 December 2020 15:46

You can block her or set Do Not Disturb times on your phone when you need to breathe.

JasonThorn | 18

#7957715 - Sunday 13 December 2020 14:45

I'd just tell her my new ringtone for her contact is "Toxic Love" by Tim Curry.

By princess_stabitty | 18

#7957725 - Sunday 13 December 2020 15:21

Dad is probably just glad that your mother focuses on someone else than him for a change.

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7957794 - Sunday 13 December 2020 22:07

So don't answer.

By coius | 22

#7958221 - Tuesday 15 December 2020 23:52

With you on this. My dad calls me 9x a day. Or did, until i blocked him. Half of his calls were just over insulting me and my wife. Just block the calls!