Miscellaneous: Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies... - FML

By zaynemaliksvagina - 24/06/2015 17:10 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 313

You deserved it 1 872

Empathy lives

Own it

Stalker vibes

By jl_word - 04/02/2015 21:49 - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 575

You deserved it 3 820

By jitiizer - 19/09/2012 17:02 - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 861

You deserved it 2 302

By littlestardramaq - 06/07/2010 03:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an email from my cousin to "save the date" for her baby shower. It's on my 21st birthday. This is the same cousin who got engaged on my 18th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 515

You deserved it 4 337

By SexyQueen0905 - 17/05/2011 13:05

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 573

You deserved it 11 996

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 249

Light sentence

By ClumsyTeen - 13/05/2021 23:57 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I tried to sneak in at 2 a.m. after going out, since I'm 16, but I tripped over a pair of slippers and landed flat on my face. My body fell quietly, but I let out a very loud and guttural, "Oof." After about a minute, I lifted my face to see my mom standing over me. I'm now grounded for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 1 795

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 00:01

Today, I learned there's no feeling quite as painful as being stuck on the toilet at 2 a.m. and hearing your dog sneak into your room and eat your dinner, all while being completely powerless to stop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 393

By anonymous - 01/02/2009 10:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 022

You deserved it 6 258

By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 650

You deserved it 3 648

By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 282

You deserved it 314

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 957

You deserved it 44 418

By skyeraven - 16/03/2014 20:10 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, an elderly man had to give me money to pay for my grocery bill because my sister broke down crying in the store as I didn't have enough money to pay for both her milkshake and cookies. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 819

You deserved it 4 616

By princess4242 - 26/02/2010 09:10 - India

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 925

You deserved it 24 199

By MochiMomoChan - 17/09/2009 09:32 - United States

Today, I found out I'm on wage garnishment because my mother, who took out a student loan for me back in '05, didn't pay off the $2015 owed when she said she would. I got screwed over financially because of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 812

You deserved it 9 351

By cantgetabreak - 13/12/2016 18:50

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not finishing my work on time. Yesterday, she cut an hour from my schedule every day until further notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 998

You deserved it 541

By NinjaPanda88 - 01/08/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 759

You deserved it 16 841

By lyss - 16/02/2014 22:44 - United States - Pottsville

Today, I went to pick up my goddaughter while her mother went to work. She was being fussy, and I was surprised when she was quiet in the car; I just figured she'd fallen asleep. I got to my house and realized I'd never put her in my car, she was still sitting in my friend's driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 319

You deserved it 49 546

Party for One!

By Sam - 08/12/2017 01:30

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 956

You deserved it 2 100

By notthenaughtymaid - 04/08/2014 21:54 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 482

You deserved it 4 331

By Anonymous - 05/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 602

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 47 303

By Anna - 02/07/2016 21:08 - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 250

You deserved it 1 826

By Anonymous - 28/09/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 637

You deserved it 6 394

By chelseaface - 21/01/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 526

You deserved it 3 613

By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Spicy

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 120

You deserved it 3 604

Better Call Saul

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 16:01

Today, despite having the same parents, I'm a lawyer and my brother is a redneck. He called wanting my advice, because he tried to book a prostitute online but when she turned up, she was a Latvian mail-order bride, and he wants me to fix it with my "big city law degree." FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 68

By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 688

You deserved it 3 094

By Kiddo - 02/09/2013 06:49 - United States - Jacksonville

Spicy

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 878

You deserved it 7 411

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 672

You deserved it 3 124

By randomdude3890 - 11/02/2015 04:58 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 314

You deserved it 37 980

Unforgettable

By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 12:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, it was my first day of work at my new job. I got dressed and arrived early, only to find out that the store had closed due to a power outage. Then I found out that the person who'd hired me had totally forgotten about hiring me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 104

By broke - 02/12/2017 15:00

Today, my work informed me that they didn't process my pay in time, so I won't get paid until the end of next month. I have less than £10 to last me until then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 189

You deserved it 291

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 11:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 508

You deserved it 24 200

By Amy - 19/05/2010 20:19 - France

Spicy

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 120

You deserved it 3 548

By slightlyfamous - 17/01/2016 13:59 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 816

You deserved it 2 254

By Anonymous - 05/10/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 535

You deserved it 2 360

By Anonymous - 24/12/2018 00:00

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 472

You deserved it 179

By Lolly - 12/09/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 195

You deserved it 801

By trainhump - 20/02/2010 10:54 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 121

You deserved it 3 028

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 930

You deserved it 40 392

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Top comments

lowkeybelieber 7

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:46

Look on the bright side. He lost 10 dollars with that drink.

Cads1 24

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:51

You are complaining about receiving a free drink?

Comments

lowkeybelieber 7

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:46

Look on the bright side. He lost 10 dollars with that drink.

slingerslasher 24

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:57

Movie logic: 10 bucks for a ticket. Oh, you want to eat popcorn too? Sure, that'll be 14 dollars, your right nut, and your firstborn child, provided you can still have children with just one testicle

Zebediabolical 39

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Thursday 25 June 2015 0:14

Movie Logic: The vast majority of the ticket money goes to the studio so we'll make ours on concessions.

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Thursday 25 June 2015 3:01

More than that even

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:48

Looks like your in a sticky situation

slingerslasher 24

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:59

Why does someone in the top 4 comments always attempt to make a crappy pun

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Thursday 25 June 2015 0:05

Once upon a time, being the first one to make a pun made you a commenting God. Kind of like a new relationship, when the girl giggles at everything her boyfriend says, thinking he's the funniest thing on earth. Then, as time goes on, the boy's lame jokes get old, and all he can get out of her is a blank stare. Which is equivalent to a thumbing down on FML.

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Thursday 25 June 2015 2:36

What a drinky situation

heartofhannah 28

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Thursday 25 June 2015 4:05

That made zero sense.

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Thursday 25 June 2015 6:16

#13 Once a pun a time.. *runs away quickly*

Ashamed_Sister 60

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Thursday 25 June 2015 6:41

I actually looked for a pun about OP's username. Are you serious, "zaynemaliksvagina"?

mr_sarcastic416 29

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Thursday 25 June 2015 6:45

#47 me too lol I'm just scrolling through the comments for jokes about ops username lol

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:48

Damn such people.

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:49

*grabs popcorn* This ought to be good.

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Thursday 25 June 2015 6:56

I approve of this pun.

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:50

What kinda soda was it?

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Thursday 25 June 2015 4:43

I'll be damned if it was a Dr. Pepper!!

Cads1 24

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:51

You are complaining about receiving a free drink?

Send a private message

Thursday 25 June 2015 0:44

Can't really drink it after it's been poured on your head. Then again, I guess you can suck the moisture out of your shirt and lick your arm.

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Thursday 25 June 2015 3:12

You... Why would you...

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Thursday 25 June 2015 23:05

so would you

Tournesol143 28

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:52

You should have informed him you went to the movies to unwind, not cool off.

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:54

Rage much?

MandyMeow_fml 18

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:54

That's a plot twist you weren't expecting.

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 23:54

At least you got a free drink

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 131

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 233

You deserved it 299