Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people... - FML

By escortedout - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

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Hat Up

Nice neighborhood

Time for the dentist

By HiRveryone - United States - Centre

Today, I had to be the designated driver for my mom and aunt. While driving them home, my aunt threw up on the car floor and my mom peed her pants, leaving a puddle in the seat. It was my car. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

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By unsatisfied - France

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

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By ghostninja4593 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

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By Pregnant - United States

Today, I confronted my husband about him being unfaithful. He said his reasons were because he's just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him. I'm six months pregnant with his child. FML

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By tsukinoie - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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By notoneatall - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By Obviously works everywhere

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By staciedee - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

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By mcfaily - Canada

Today, I arrived at work to find an email from the manager whom I had bought concert tickets from the night before. He said he had actually sold those tickets to someone else. He still expects to be paid. FML

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By lezbplove - Canada

Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML

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By YanezIbanez - 13/5/2021 06:01

Two things that aren't the same

Today, my mother called me "wasteful" because I left the refrigerator door open and that "electricity money doesn’t grow on trees." This is the same person who lets my little sister have her light on all night, because she’s scared of the dark. FML

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By mommy - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl

Today, my boyfriend finally answered my Snapchats. He was laying on a bed with purple pillows and sheets. His are gray. FML

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By imfullthanks - Norway

Hygienic

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML

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By Daddy_issues

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

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By vishurricanes - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By Ben Moy - 2/2/2021 07:57 - United States - Wallingford

Once bitten…

Today, after worrying for years about grinding my teeth after various dentists mentioned seeing evidence. Apparently, this worry manifested as subconsciously putting my tongue in the way at night, to the point where I have an open bite at 39 when I never had a problem before. I can't bite through sushi or sandwiches. FML

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By etgohome - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML

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By Spencer Chan

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By Roostermann25 - United States - Lebanon

Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By jazz - France

Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

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By anonynomi - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By pizzagurl - United States

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

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By France Howell

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

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By Omegared - United States

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

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By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - United States - Tampa

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

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By Bittersweet

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 02:00

Significant other

Today, my Apple Watch notified me that my long-term exposure to loud noises may be dangerous to my hearing. I’ve been crying since my SO left. FML

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By fmlskank93 - Australia

Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML

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By JennyPenny - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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Top comments

By jagars | 10

#1593774 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:19

YDI- acting like a 12 year old does not stop other people from acting immature.

By Mirorbo | 26

#1593750 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:13

What movie were you watching? The theater's surround sound must be pretty good if the background sound sounds so real and so close.

COMMENTS

By Mirorbo | 26

#1593750 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:13

What movie were you watching? The theater's surround sound must be pretty good if the background sound sounds so real and so close.

Reply

thecrazyasian | 3

#1593836 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:29

lol someone is retarded

Reply

Mirorbo | 26

#1593908 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:41

Well that certainly was rude of you, darling. You couldn't make it your own comment? It had to be a reply?

Reply

TyronetheOG | 0

#1594093 - Sunday 24 October 2010 10:37

13 That was fucking uncalled for dude.

Reply

Wirebiter | 0

#1594395 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:46

***SUCH A BIG DEAL***

Reply

rciccone | 0

#1594545 - Sunday 24 October 2010 13:40

#13 is CUTE ^_^

Reply

Moo_Horse | 0

#1595232 - Sunday 24 October 2010 16:46

my bad @36 agreed

Reply

Mehness | 0

#1595317 - Sunday 24 October 2010 17:02

44 is cute... if you're Pedobear.

Reply

rciccone | 0

#1595528 - Sunday 24 October 2010 17:49

#48 is CUTE, if you're blind :D

Reply

regine22joy | 0

#1595921 - Sunday 24 October 2010 19:05

48's picture is WIN. I am too :)

Reply

EvilDoll | 7

#1596931 - Sunday 24 October 2010 22:39

#1 is cute... if you like big fluffy Afros
that look like a comfy pillow pillow~

Reply

dius | 0

#1596971 - Sunday 24 October 2010 23:23

you mad bro

By uniongirl02 | 0

#1593770 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:19

someone feels dumb " cough" "cough" op

Reply

Honesty4U | 0

#1594142 - Sunday 24 October 2010 10:50

Ha!

By jagars | 10

#1593774 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:19

YDI- acting like a 12 year old does not stop other people from acting immature.

Reply

deadlyriot101 | 7

#4083087 - Friday 24 February 2012 21:22

Twelve year olds aren't that stupid. Try about 6 years old.

Reply

Dukekamono | 5

#4779177 - Monday 6 August 2012 11:22

I'm sure any age group qualifies

By Lindsaykae | 0

#1593779 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:19

hahahahahaha I would feel really stupid.

By lenamartinovic | 13

#1593787 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:20

Why were you throwing popcorn in the first place?

Reply

TyronetheOG | 0

#1594085 - Sunday 24 October 2010 10:35

Lol.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#1594289 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:03

Well, they weren't going to eat it anyway.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6032465 - Saturday 9 August 2014 23:03

Yeah, when people are being annoying in a theater, I usually just tell the nearby usher.

By xdeadxradiox | 0

#1593805 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:23

Ahh! It must have been Paranormal Activity 2! Same thing happened when I went to see it!

Reply

Wirebiter | 0

#1594403 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:48

Everyone got bored and fell asleep, because it was boring as fuck?

Reply

Moo_Horse | 0

#1595237 - Sunday 24 October 2010 16:48

dude i loved paranormal activity two it was scarier than the first

Reply

xdeadxradiox | 0

#1596274 - Sunday 24 October 2010 19:53

Haha nahh. There was extremely loud talking at one part. Not sure if it was actually was the movie or people getting out of the theater beside us.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#1593808 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:23

perhaps you should be limited to silent films.

|the kid|

By windergirl6 | 0

#1593809 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:24

Ur so stupid ,REALLY !

Reply

Moo_Horse | 0

#1595245 - Sunday 24 October 2010 16:50

you are so dumb. you are really dumb. fo real

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#1593821 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:26

Lol epic fail.

By EightInchNails | 9

#1593823 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:26

Dare I say, idiot?

Reply

Honesty4U | 0

#1594146 - Sunday 24 October 2010 10:52

LOVE the pic!!!