Love: Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

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Love

Our house, in the middle of our street

Sorry…

Vulture

By bieberyoulittleSHIT - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By Entity303 - 14/11/2020 21:32 - India

Damp, dark night

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

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By dileigh - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

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By ohlordhelpmenow - United States

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

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By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By NoColor - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 07:04 - France

Pro gamer move

Today, I wanted to play Among Us for a little distraction. I ended up having a panic attack. FML

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By tittyboomboom - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

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By Nobody - United States

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

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By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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By DutchOven - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year old kid on Halo. FML

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By Choum - France

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

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By rolled

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Foam Lake

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

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By lax22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, 30 minutes after finishing a great date with a great girl, she texted me and said, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

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By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By MarieAmber18 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

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By Backtoschool

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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By therapygal

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

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By dammit33 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

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By Chels - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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By abbiexo97

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By Hopeless - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

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By Photoshopped - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

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By Teen With No Money - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got drunk and hooked up with some random chick. Later, I found out she's Facebook friends with my girlfriend. They used to be best friends when the girl was a senior. Small world. FML

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By foreveralone.jpg - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I listened to my roommate and her friend struggle with their math homework for an hour. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm a math major and repeatedly offered my help. They'd rather fail math than be around me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/suprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

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By Playaaa - United States - Hollister

Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 17:02

What goes up…

Today, I had to take my daughter to hospital because her butt swallowed her dildo. Try as I might, in the waiting area her dad and I couldn’t stop giggling at random intervals at the absurdity of the situation, so she’s probably never going to speak to us again. FML

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By wantontsu

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By shinoza - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By offtothejobcentre - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

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Top comments

By YaLuckyGal | 0

#1079831 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:13

did you pee on them?

By Mankbeast | 0

#1079823 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:12

lolz

COMMENTS

By Mankbeast | 0

#1079823 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:12

lolz

ohsnapp823 | 0

#1079846 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:20

thts a stupid post..it hardly even makes sense.. how come mine don't get posted but that crappy post does?!

bmexoxo98 | 0

#1079848 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:20

Spain won world cup!!:)

Mack7273 | 0

#1079864 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:25

hah

rawrkittehpwnage | 0

#1079886 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:29

clutz!

love_musik | 0

#1079998 - Monday 12 July 2010 0:26

ew gross haha ^^
but wow way to be, OP.

iAmLol_fml | 0

#1080053 - Monday 12 July 2010 0:58

Comment moderated.

Anonymous123100 | 7

#1080064 - Monday 12 July 2010 1:04

at least you didn't pee on them too =/..

astarwarsfan | 0

#1080096 - Monday 12 July 2010 1:34

I guess they (puts on sunglasses) were pissed

RedPillSucks | 31

#1080157 - Monday 12 July 2010 1:50

Question is, were they pissed off, or pissed on?

msyelowbubblegum | 0

#1080312 - Monday 12 July 2010 2:49

gahahahaha thats .. umm embarassing not soo bad :P
and #18 hehe HOTT!!! ;) ;) ;)

ATLBOI770 | 0

#1080343 - Monday 12 July 2010 3:03

if I wuz ur bf I would act like I dint no u

jackdbomber | 0

#1081314 - Monday 12 July 2010 15:00

you should have sprinkled some yellow shower as well. treat for your everyone lol

By schwancy | 2

#1079825 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:12

smooth move!

Ragnir | 0

#1079873 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:27

at-least people were there to break her fall I guess... sorta

By YaLuckyGal | 0

#1079831 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:13

did you pee on them?

By fossilman | 0

#1079833 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:15

So.....was the movie good?

twirliegirlie | 0

#1080006 - Monday 12 July 2010 0:31

that's what I was gonna say

msyelowbubblegum | 0

#1080328 - Monday 12 July 2010 2:56

haha wtf with ur profile pic??

fossilman | 0

#1082168 - Monday 12 July 2010 23:40

it's sexy

By steggunekoms | 0

#1079840 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:17

I wonder what movie they were watching.

By ArtIsResistance7 | 1

#1079849 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:21

Movie theater floors are full of surprises!

Isn't it 'aisle'? Otherwise I don't know what kind of movie theaters they have in Cali :P

ArtIsResistance7 | 1

#1079880 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:28

*hat tip to the Mods*

By annabelle2213 | 0

#1079851 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:21

YDI for mispelling aisle.

youngrob | 0

#1080085 - Monday 12 July 2010 1:27

damn you fine

By fossilman | 0

#1079856 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:22

Predators rocked

By xxwtfwasthatxx | 0

#1079857 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:23

how do u fail that bad?

By Mack7273 | 0

#1079860 - Sunday 11 July 2010 23:23