Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when... - FML

By Denki - 30/1/2013 12:21 - China - Beijing

Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML

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Dangling modifier

Out of it

Not a cheating!

By Kimberpoo - 14/3/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

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By emilyparker - 1/9/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By unluckybirthdaykid - 11/9/2017 23:15

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I was called ugly and viciously ridiculed by a couple of teenage girls. They were wearing uggs and vests that made them look like a freak-show of bleached pomeranians. FML

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By Jason Brazil - 13/8/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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By N - 8/2/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

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By Killmenow - 30/8/2018 07:00 - United States

Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML

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By holy sleet - 29/11/2013 21:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - 21/1/2010 20:16 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By Disney dashed - 23/9/2019 00:01

Not so Magic Kingdom

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

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By "jonnybones223" - 8/3/2019 04:00

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

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By babysitter - 26/3/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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By Da Boss - 5/10/2016 01:19 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a 24-hour taco shop, while he was wearing a tee-shirt that says "F*** Me I'm Famous." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

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By weak - 23/2/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 02:00

It's a marathon, not a sprint

Today, I found out that the last girl from my graduating high school class is engaged to her boyfriend. I'm now the only guy from high school who's still single and I'm not even 30 yet. FML

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By hairdresser - 9/3/2013 09:05 - Australia

Today, my boss told me that, while he respects the fact that I have my own style, I have to stop wearing "that hideous wig" because apparently, it "makes the clientele uncomfortable". I don't have a wig. It's my natural hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2018 23:37

Today, I had a CT scan done after hitting my head, for fear of a concussion. Good news: no concussion. Bad news: the tumor they "accidentally" found. FML

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By SecondBest,IGuess - 30/4/2013 17:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was watching TV, when we started getting frisky. I'd just started to give him a blowjob when he pushed me off and said, "Fun's over." Dragon Ball Z had just come back on. He's 21. FML

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By StupidDentist - 20/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 04:20 - Canada

Today, I was in the gas station and I saw this creepy lady staring at me and smiling. She just didn't stop. I even gave an awkward wave to let her know that I saw her staring at me. Finally I decided to confront the woman, turns out the overly happy woman was a cardboard cut out FML

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By Emily 1992 - 13/6/2019 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - 15/7/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

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By obsequiousfannyflapper - 10/2/2013 23:13 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

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By Kendall14159 - 17/4/2016 20:09 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 20:00

Double-crossed

Today, I found out my husband wasn’t really “working from home” in the evenings. He locks himself in his office until the late hours of the night, having intimate Skype sessions with his coworker. That explains why our joint bank account hasn’t seen a direct deposit this past month. FML

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By introuble - 23/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By Kali - 4/3/2015 00:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. They spent five minutes explaining job duties and I listened with anticipation. Then they spent five minutes explaining why I wasn't the right person for the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By joi9496 - 1/1/2018 01:30

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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By unpatriotic - 4/7/2013 13:13 - United States - Eugene

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 03:08 - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

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Top comments

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5347380 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:50

Maybe he knew -.-

By Coop817 | 19

#5347391 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:55

YDI for being so darn cute ;)

COMMENTS

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5347380 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:50

Maybe he knew -.-

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5347523 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 20:29

At least Pedo bear would approve.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5347597 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:21

OP is probably the prettiest guy the groom has ever seen.

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5347644 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:59

I don't know about you guys but if he's 16 he could definitely look like Justin bieber and that would be misleading.

Reply

corruptedlol | 2

#5347810 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:14

76 - What kind of logic is that?

Reply

AssTard | 15

#5347910 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:03

59- "Logic" wouldn't be the appropiate word here.

Reply

dmoran20 | 27

#5348052 - Thursday 31 January 2013 3:58

#76 Drugs are bad mmkay!

Reply

klutz44 | 28

#5348150 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:37

76 is insinuating that Justin Bieber looks like a girl

Reply

sig4life | 18

#5348874 - Thursday 31 January 2013 20:57

Ohh he definitely knew.

By kimee21_fml | 15

#5347381 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:51

Hey, it's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.

Reply

TwiztedYuri | 9

#5347394 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:57

can't be a joke. wedding are way to serious for any form of happiness.

Reply

braddenfitch | 7

#5347430 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:14

Haha nice, I bet you could take it pretty hard ;)

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#5347435 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:19

This guy is tactful. You must be very popular with the ladies.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5347440 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:21

I agree. It had to be a joke. Why would he say that in front of his new wife if it wasn't to be humourous? I know guys that joke like that. Blowing kisses and such. It's to try to kid and make that other person feel awkward.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5347459 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:31

I do that to people all the time. The look of "Oh please no, somebody save me" is priceless.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5347593 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:18

But #2 what if he wasn't joking?!? o_o. .......Well I guess he still wouldn't want to take it so hard.

Reply

etchsanity1 | 11

#5347613 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:33

I don't think it was a joke after all this is china where it happened a young soft featured Asian boy could very easily look like an Asian girl ... Gender differences aren't as prominent in youth is Asian countries

Reply

hilda_kitty | 16

#5347627 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:48

Exactly 2. And even if it isn't, I've heard that if a gay or bi guy compliments another guy, that other guy is one hell of a sexy beast.

Reply

benmec | 18

#5348408 - Thursday 31 January 2013 13:08

Lol. You said, "take it so hard." I thumbed you up buddy. Don't see why everyone else isn't.

Reply

thagar | 2

#5348825 - Thursday 31 January 2013 20:02

"It's a joke, not a dick, don't take it so hard" badum-tss

Reply

infinitegrace | 21

#5765409 - Saturday 23 November 2013 16:27

#69 Although I agree I would like to pour out something it seems no one else has. They are at a wedding, which to me indicates they are dressed up. If they're dressed up wouldn't OP be in a suit while a girl would be wearing a dress?

By crazytwinsmom | 25

#5347382 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:51

F Rose's life! She's going to be wondering about him now.

Reply

hawright | 13

#5347420 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:11

My sentiments exactly. Now she will always wonder if its her younger male cousin he is thinking about when getting intimate. If anal just "works better for him" we've got issues.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5347621 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:45

She'll be wondering if her husband will be bending over to...

Too OP. lots of Asian guys I've seen look like girls. I could see the mistake. (OP is from China).

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5347640 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:57

he said he did it when him and the cousin were talking, not when him and the bride were talking,

Reply

Clioo_fml | 17

#5348119 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:14

I'm just hoping the groom has a funny sense of humor.

And if he does, Rose probably knew about it and decided to laugh about it. Weird yes...but maybe they think it's funny?

By Cashtangoteam | 10

#5347383 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:52

Times are tough in China. If you can't get a girl, why not a boy?

By Myo_fml | 20

#5347384 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:52

I think the groom is more than likely drunk. Weddings are stressful events.

Reply

SaturnV | 25

#5347419 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:11

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

Reply

rkmn8r | 6

#5347527 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 20:32

false. drunk words are drunk thoughts

Reply

Feared | 9

#5347553 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 20:49

False. I'm a potato.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#5347560 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 20:55

Die, potato.

Reply

kevsandy303 | 12

#5347575 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:05

Not today!

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#5347580 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:06

D:

Reply

dmoran20 | 27

#5348053 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:00

Ahhhh potato whiskey... Mmmmm

By VannahJane | 17

#5347385 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:53

Hes probably just trying be funny

Reply

Shmatterhorn | 38

#5348032 - Thursday 31 January 2013 3:16

And obviously not succeeding.

Reply

klutz44 | 28

#5348153 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:40

Eh, I thought it was funny

By Schizomaniac | 24

#5347387 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:53

This wedding is horse shit!

Reply

Codezlol | 21

#5347410 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:06

I didn't want salmon! I said it four times!

Reply

TheManager | 6

#5347476 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:42

I wasn't fired from my job, I was laid off. But you wouldn't know the difference!

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#5347586 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:12

This thread is EPIC!!! :)

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5348227 - Thursday 31 January 2013 7:57

THIS HOUSE IS A PRISON

By Werken247 | 14

#5347389 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:54

So the groom is a gay, pedophile douchenozzle... F the brides Life

By Pleonasm | 34

#5347390 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:54

Maybe there's like, a tiny chance that he's not being serious?

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5347428 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:13

Not serious? Nah, that could never happen. Him and Rose are obviously duplicates, replaced by bisexual ephebophilic aliens, bent on world domination.

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5347451 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:27

See that's what I was thinking too, but I thought that proposing that to FMLers would be too "out-there."

Reply

cmbar831 | 14

#5347664 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 22:11

Your always one of the first petiole to comment, is fml your life or something?

Reply

Kartor | 6

#5348678 - Thursday 31 January 2013 18:02

This has been bugging me and is unrelated, but are you Shia LaBeouf?

By Coop817 | 19

#5347391 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 18:55

YDI for being so darn cute ;)

Reply

JustKittyKat | 24

#5347555 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 20:51

With an ass like that, who could blame him? ;)

Reply

Steve95401 | 49

#5347601 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:24

Maybe the groom thinks OP's ass needs "breaking in". We just need an old lady using a walker to grab OP's ass and and we would have an FML trifecta.