Today, I went to a work party where we had a Secret Santa. I... - FML

By crazygirl - 15/12/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I went to a work party where we had a Secret Santa. I gave a nice set of beer bottles with glasses. When my name was called I naturally picked the biggest gift. I got groceries. I now have dog food and men's body spray. I don't have a boyfriend or a dog. FML

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F*** my overweight life

Tidy your room

Everyone's an expert

By RogerReady - 31/1/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 16:56 - Canada - Orleans

Today, wanting to be on time for my first job interview, I woke up at the crack of dawn and walked almost an hour through a thunderstorm. When I arrived, I was told that the manager wasn't in today, because of the bad weather. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 20:03 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 04:00

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By nevergettingajob - 22/2/2012 18:10 - Canada

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

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By types - 2/3/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he is going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

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By Groom - 30/11/2008 10:51 - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 11:27 - Israel

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

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By CollegeKid - 27/10/2015 10:28 - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 18:23 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to a small fire on my roof, burning up small twigs and branches. The cause? Last night, I threw a sparkling firecracker up very high, only to have it blown onto my roof by the wind. It's going to take $2,000 to fix the damage. FML

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By aubrey - 14/10/2017 01:30

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

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By erianne - 7/5/2018 15:00

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 17:00

Business savvy

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

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By peneloperigby - 3/2/2009 06:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11 year old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassles, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

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By APersonSomewhere - 31/3/2019 18:00

Today, it’s my 21st birthday. The people I invited over spent most of the time talking about their LARP group which I am not a part of and so could not participate, talked over what I wanted to watch, and then it ended with an intervention by them for me because they were upset that I was upset. FML

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By long day - 12/11/2013 20:29 - United States - Bay City

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

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By shit.jpg - 25/8/2015 19:22 - United States - Waban

Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML

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By phonemenace - 17/8/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

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By gmian - 6/12/2015 05:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 15:00 - United States - Russellville

Today, I asked my husband for help with a household chore. His response was to fake snore and pretend to be asleep. Later, our toddler pulled the exact same BS when I asked him to pick up his toys. FML

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By thanks - 2/5/2014 18:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 21st birthday. I got a call from my deadbeat dad, who I thought had finally mellowed and had something nice to say. Nope; he just told me I'm 21 years a disappointment, then hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

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By vreenya - 8/4/2014 20:13 - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 23:47 - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 02:00

Contradictions everywhere

Today, I was demoted from my job because I didn't volunteer to help out with my job during COVID-19. I texted them on the day of sign-up to see if they had enough people. I was told since I was there not to worry about it. FML

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By grabber - 9/8/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was riding up an escalator in the mall in uncomfortable high heels. While adjusting my bag I suddenly lost my balance and began flailing wildly. In desperation I hurled forward and ended up grabbing a teenage boy's buttocks and was promptly slapped by his girlfriend. FML

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By Absent - 12/1/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

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By Toothy. - 25/7/2009 04:21 - Australia

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

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By Water Daughter - 13/10/2013 05:51 - United States

Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

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By anon - 18/7/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 05:14 - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2019 22:00

Today, I found a necklace that my parents had made for me. While looking at it, I realized my parents had spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By fatass - 20/4/2015 17:01 - United States - Kearney

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

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Top comments

By Dynoblaze | 1

#1846663 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:02

YDI for being greedy and a size queen. Bigger isn't always better. ;)

By schwancy | 2

#1846675 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:03

Get a dog and a boyfriend.

COMMENTS

By Dynoblaze | 1

#1846663 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:02

YDI for being greedy and a size queen. Bigger isn't always better. ;)

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1847262 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:57

you women are really making it to easy. next thing you know there will be another FML about a women and cooking.

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1847278 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:59

NOOO pasted wrong comment. why does the comment I not want to go through go through urghh
*1# you must have a small penis*

Reply

4bidden | 0

#1847326 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:11

haha damn thats funny shit bro.

Reply

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1847371 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:35

why would they put that stuff as a gift when obviously there were chances a female might pick it. I say try to trade with one of your ci-workers.

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1849071 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:05

Even Indiana Jones knew not to choose the fanciest grail.

Reply

hannah1203 | 2

#1849942 - Thursday 16 December 2010 1:04

This is why you pick the smallest box, because it couldn't been an engagement ring! Doofus.

Reply

elliewantscake | 8

#3040919 - Friday 5 August 2011 1:52

Agreed. Think about an iPhones and large pack of soap.

Reply

carbonbasedcynic | 17

#5942095 - Monday 12 May 2014 4:44

just because of your avatar I'm downvoting all of your comments

By robinsn | 0

#1846665 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:02

FYL

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#1847296 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:04

Santa doesn't like milk either,
he likes reindeer blood.
ironic huh?

Reply

amisenho | 11

#5702711 - Friday 4 October 2013 18:58

Santa's Swedish? I could have sworn he was Dutch.

By schwancy | 2

#1846675 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:03

Get a dog and a boyfriend.

Reply

My_Deathbed | 0

#1846738 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:10

sure just let her go to 7-11 to get a bf...

Reply

VinegarStrokes | 0

#1846914 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:34

Lol #3 your comment was hilarious!

Reply

4bidden | 0

#1847095 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:10

some people arent as beautiful as the rest of us and cant get gfs/bfs

Reply

BoredomKillsinc | 0

#1847306 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:07

or a dog and call it your bf, or ecen get a bf and call him your dog o.O heh

Reply

frozzenhart | 0

#1848129 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 15:31

28 for those that can't get a gf/bf and a dog , they can use the wrong gender body spray on themselves and eat the dog food .

Reply

Hutchie931 | 15

#6669549 - Thursday 11 August 2016 17:43

Or just buy a dog and make him smell fabulous

By turturkeykey | 0

#1846694 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:06

Just become Jewish, then you won't have to deal with it.

By siege10 | 0

#1846703 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:07

stop bitching at least you received something.

Reply

4bidden | 0

#1847332 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:13

damn dude when i first seen your picture i thought you were inflating your girl friend lmfao:D

Reply

my_user_name | 7

#1848064 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 15:00

#5 said it best. How is your life fucked because you got something for FREE? Just throw it away or give it to somebody else, and you're no worse off than you were the day before.

Reply

gogokira | 5

#1848805 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:00

Technically, it's not for free because they had to give a gift as well.

By unidentified_sta | 5

#1846733 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:10

You picked and chose wrong.
Wow...

Reply

xXBlackAceXx | 0

#2191975 - Thursday 17 March 2011 3:57

haha he speaks the truth

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#2874290 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 12:13

she should have gotten the smallest. those are usually the best.

Reply

EvilLittleGirl | 24

#6646904 - Sunday 10 July 2016 12:38

Yea it's usually jewellery or something really cute and tiny and awww I love small stuff idk

By FYLDeep | 25

#1846775 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:16

Haha you got the old maid. Better luck next Christmas.

By Mirorbo | 26

#1846787 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:17

I've never enjoyed gift exchanges myself... Einey gave me a bunch of books with very tiny print about science stuff.

I hope he enjoyed the CD I got for him though. That man needs some music in his life.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1846793 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:18

Do you need both? Men are dogs.

*Waits for attack*

Reply

Mirorbo | 26

#1846804 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:19

Fuhohohoho!~ I love you for that darling!~ Well delivered!

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1846880 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:31

I'd argue against that... except I doubt my profile picture helps my case.

Reply

krdel | 0

#1847118 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:17

If men are dogs then wouldn't man's best friend be other men? Isn't it impossible for men to be dogs because dogs would cease to exist if men were dogs since men are male humans? I am confused

Reply

krdel | 0

#1847130 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:19

Never mind, men love pussies so they can't be dogs. I got it figured out.

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1847133 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:19

You just sit there in your corner and scratch your head. Good boy.

Reply

krdel | 0

#1847142 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:21

No I'm good I figured it out. thanks anyways

Reply

4bidden | 0

#1847149 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:24

"Got Bitch" haha i miss the "Got milk" comercials...

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1847187 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:35

Let me be the first to ask, what the fuck is a comercial?

Reply

Amgnowai | 0

#1847200 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:40

He meant 'commercial'. Now get over it >_<

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1847219 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:43

No.

Reply

redpump | 0

#1847227 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:45

#37 ur dog is so cute XD

Reply

Amgnowai | 0

#1847253 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:53

Heh, thanks. :D

Reply

4bidden | 0

#1847312 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:07

#40 thanks bro

Reply

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1847385 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 11:42

I wish I was a dog so I could lick my balls. If I could do that I would not need you worthless women.

Reply

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#1847633 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:53

FFML you are an idiot if you cannot figure out what a "comercial" is, as opposed to a commercial. And if you can, you are simply a petty bitch.

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1847766 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 13:17

You must be new. I'm definitely a petty bitch. ;D

Reply

killab420 | 0

#1847789 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 13:30

#30 & 31 made LOL!

Reply

killab420 | 0

#1847803 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 13:34

#30 & 31 made me LOL

Reply

APurpleWaffle | 0

#1848711 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:27

@ FFML_314
Hm. Just wondering..
Why do women always call men dogs? Women ask to be treated equally, so if we were to treat you equally, wouldn't you then be a dog too? But you're female, so I suppose that makes you a...
BITCH.

Reply

Luke1717 | 0

#1850988 - Thursday 16 December 2010 2:08

so your saying you MATE with dogs?? hm

Reply

APurpleWaffle | 0

#1851411 - Thursday 16 December 2010 3:38

I guess so, but occording to them, we're dogs also. So there's nothing wrong with it then, now is there?

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1851440 - Thursday 16 December 2010 3:42

Where in my post did I say that I sleep with men?

Reply

APurpleWaffle | 0

#1851584 - Thursday 16 December 2010 4:18

He said 'mate' meaning to reproduce. I don't think you reproduce with women, now do you? Unless you truly are a G.I.R.L. (guy-in-real-life)
Hmm...

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1852150 - Thursday 16 December 2010 7:17

OK, who said I plan to reproduce?

Reply

APurpleWaffle | 0

#1854442 - Thursday 16 December 2010 19:08

We all can only hope you don't plan on it. We don't need any more people like you in this world, we already have enough.

Reply

Yog_Sahaw | 0

#1855257 - Friday 17 December 2010 1:18

We don't need any more people in this world, period.

Reply

Deadinsidelivelyoutside | 9

#7921394 - Sunday 12 July 2020 2:34

Heinous creature you are.

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1846800 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 9:18

time to re-gift then...