Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret... - FML

By hozzyandie - 14/12/2010 18:02 - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

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Compassion

British Broadcasting Corporation

Live dumping

By Nicholas Laughton - 16/6/2017 14:00

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

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By jjhach - 12/9/2014 22:27 - Canada - Aldouane

Today, while fishing my remote out from behind the couch, I found my fiancé's stash of old toenails. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 06:32 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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By millavitsa - 3/1/2013 22:36 - Ukraine

Today, my mom asked me why MS Word keeps underlining some words. After I tried to convince her that you're supposed to put a space after commas, she started yelling at me for making her look stupid. I can never win. FML

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By brooklyn0118 - 12/9/2018 15:00

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

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By vadoodoo22 - 15/1/2010 05:02 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By Lex - 12/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By Sickinbed - 7/6/2011 10:27 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

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By natty - 16/3/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML

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By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

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By Jimmy - 2/8/2019 12:00 - Australia

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a skinhead sucker-punched me in the gut, grabbed my football, and ran away, giggling like a maniac. FML

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By djshahso - 26/2/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

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By mr.palendrome - 6/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By The Last Cockbender - 6/10/2012 17:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

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By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

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By Liz0352 - 8/11/2018 04:30 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By asdfghjkl - 19/4/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

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By ari - 18/2/2013 22:15 - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By anonymous - 17/9/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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By charlotte273 - 30/6/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By g'day cunt - 26/8/2012 18:27 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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By patrickRafael - 29/12/2010 14:21 - Singapore

Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2015 16:11 - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 16:00

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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By ugh thanks - 17/8/2014 16:40 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

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By Joe thomas - 24/7/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when I saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying, "Need money, stranded from Oklahoma." I decided to be nice, and hopped off my bike to give him $2. He took the money, and then jacked my bike. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 02:04 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

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By Marfo101 - 16/1/2015 15:41 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By Dr_Dolittle - 12/1/2010 15:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

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By ilook12 - 24/6/2015 03:23 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when a guy on the street shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" at me. I recently told my boyfriend I loved him, and his response was, "I don't love you but I won't treat you any differently." Perverts on the street love me, but my boyfriend doesn't. FML

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By jigglypuff100 - 20/12/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By apparentlyugly - 29/8/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

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By teinage - 2/5/2011 18:47 - Belgium

Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus". FML

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Top comments

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1844871 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:09

That's not a toilet plunger, silly. One end is the suction cup to secure it to a smooth surface. The other end is for.....

Have fun!

By Doortje | 28

#1844889 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:12

FYL. I would secretly steal someone else's gift. I mean, they don't like you anyway, so you've got nothing to lose..

COMMENTS

By dracov1948 | 0

#1844850 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:04

that has to suck!

Reply

xstaticdelta | 6

#1844934 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:20

sub C for n and you get a pun :D

Reply

rallets | 22

#1845156 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 23:53

sunk?

Reply

persianjr1 | 7

#1846339 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 6:39

hahah you must have a potty mouth.

yess, yes, pun is intended

Reply

carlomanden | 5

#1846363 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 6:46

YDI for being so full of shit! sarcasm

Reply

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1846493 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 7:50

it's a pun anyway.

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#1899538 - Tuesday 28 December 2011 5:20

".....I got a rock."

Reply

doglover100 | 28

#4658310 - Saturday 7 July 2012 3:00

haha

By DahkLohd | 4

#1844856 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:05

Use it on yourself! You're so full of shit. :)

Reply

KaySL | 24

#1844879 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:09

Yeah but to be fair, last time someone used a plunger on their own face, it was you, and you ended up with the lovely makeover you're sporting now. Yeah yeah yeah, I'm your faithful servant, death to the mudbloods, please don't kill me, etc. etc.

Reply

OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1845080 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 23:01

I happen to like Master's sexy new look. The Michael Jackson nose and the cat eyes just gets me excited whenever I see it.

Reply

wjjq13 | 0

#1846120 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 5:04

i agree no one is that mean on the 12th

Reply

simran9 | 0

#1856887 - Friday 17 December 2010 13:11

avada Kedavra bruh

Reply

the_enigma1019 | 1

#3372614 - Saturday 1 October 2011 8:10

Pffft, a couple years after the last book, I killed Harry and took over the wizarding world. The muggle one is next.

- the enigma

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3437458 - Sunday 16 October 2011 1:23

6 is my hero:)

By CondomSense | 4

#1844868 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:08

I guess they're just trying to flush you out

Reply

musicismylife21 | 5

#1846423 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 7:06

hahahaha

Reply

Dino33mite | 0

#1846568 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 8:18

very punny

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1844871 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:09

That's not a toilet plunger, silly. One end is the suction cup to secure it to a smooth surface. The other end is for.....

Have fun!

Reply

lideke | 1

#1846487 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 7:49

hahaha this one made laugh and I stil do.

Reply

HouseElf | 13

#5367111 - Thursday 14 February 2013 4:16

Splinters...

By NickK49 | 0

#1844876 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:09

I guess I should make a punny comment

By Doortje | 28

#1844889 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:12

FYL. I would secretly steal someone else's gift. I mean, they don't like you anyway, so you've got nothing to lose..

Reply

DahkLohd | 4

#1844922 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:18

Haha yeah! You've got nothing to lose but your job. :)

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1844972 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:31

Oh, yeah, there's that.

Btw DahkLohd, I'm still waiting for your visit!

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1845377 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 1:15

Voldie, you're really disappointing me. Do you take pleasure in making women super horny and then refrain from any contact? You promised you would come tonight (in more than one way, too!), you promised! :'(

Reply

xShannonxSammyx | 7

#1845765 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 3:14

You remind me of Bellatrix. Book, not movies. She was so much more badass in the books...

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1848367 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 17:55

I've given it some thought and decided I'm gonna take it as a compliment. Badass Bella kinda has a nice ring to it.

Reply

DahkLohd | 4

#1848843 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:12

Aw, don't worry Doortje. I'll come soon enough! ;)

By ydi_4_suking | 20

#1844919 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:18

Maybe the person saw that you leave some big ass turds in the toilet at the office. And think you need it just in case at your house

By randiZ25 | 0

#1844925 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:19

use it on every toilet in the office then be sure to sit on it their desk and thank then for the awesome present!

Reply

randiZ25 | 0

#1844944 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:23

sit on it**^ geez

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1844952 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:26

How many times do I have to say it? It's about giving not getting, OP.

Reply

xxmollyxx | 25

#1847919 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 14:20

Not really in this situation though.

By alaaloo_fml_fml | 0

#1844962 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 22:29

I'm sure they weren't insinuating anything OP..... maybe they waited till the last minute and were in a rush at Wal Mart.