By Anonymous - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3502

You deserved it

491

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Holidays

Commando

Bodyshaming ain't cool

When pranking goes too far

By Tori Pearson - Canada

Today, I went camping. My tent is flooded, a raccoon ate all my food, I lost the anchor to my boat which as a result is now across the lake. Three more days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33637

You deserved it

6867

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By ashamed

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1489

You deserved it

176

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By im_a_mocker - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23232

You deserved it

5857

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By Anon - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3511

You deserved it

306

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By kelster

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1577

You deserved it

204

Favorite

By NoJobNovember - United States - Wadsworth

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29514

You deserved it

38128

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By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39156

You deserved it

8889

Favorite

By Asirual - United States

Checks out

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28352

You deserved it

13130

Favorite

By "Geric Brawner"

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4558

You deserved it

993

Favorite

By kdubz23 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39799

You deserved it

3369

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Silver linings

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41283

You deserved it

6784

Favorite

By S. - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26220

You deserved it

12701

Favorite

By winneuse - France - Allennes-les-marais

Today, for the first time since kindergarten, I won! I came first! Yes, I'm first on the waiting list for the M.A. degree I applied to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26001

You deserved it

3737

Favorite

By not right - 30/6/2020 23:00

"People have had enough of experts"

Today, I tried to have a serious talk with my sister about how she feeds her kids. The 5-year-old is 75 lbs and the 7-year-old is nearing 100. She scoffed and said, “What do you know? You can’t even have kids!” No, I can’t have kids, but I am in school to become a pediatrician. Pretty sure I’m right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2251

You deserved it

189

Favorite

By stpry of my life - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61894

You deserved it

6966

Favorite

By abrooks88 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29865

You deserved it

2037

Favorite

By Taylor - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24895

You deserved it

5572

Favorite

By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33586

You deserved it

2667

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, I started to feel sick to my stomach, hot, and dizzy. My co-worker told me to go home. On the way through the locker room to get my stuff, I experienced a dizzy spell so severe, I blacked out and pooped myself. No one in the building is going to let me forget this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35770

You deserved it

3139

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27364

You deserved it

5337

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By Anonymous

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

582

You deserved it

1217

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I overheard my co-workers referring to me as "Uncle Fester". This is apparently my nickname around the office, and has been for nearly three years. I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28459

You deserved it

2740

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By WillaminaL - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11090

You deserved it

40206

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By Umwhat

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1719

You deserved it

145

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By Anonymous

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6432

You deserved it

324

Favorite

By Doggotmytongue - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31279

You deserved it

6714

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46309

You deserved it

13663

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By AlyssaBC - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from the Unemployment Department saying they had a job referral for me. After excitedly reading the description, I realised it was the job I'd just been fired from (at a much higher pay). If I don't go through the application process, I will be denied my unemployment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28606

You deserved it

2619

Favorite

By barfyshirt - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37691

You deserved it

7151

Favorite

By Misskittygal14

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3458

You deserved it

1114

Favorite

By Anonymous

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1171

You deserved it

656

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34322

You deserved it

5790

Favorite

By jshum - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13142

You deserved it

1921

Favorite

By Nile - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

I agree, your life sucks

30772

You deserved it

2819

Favorite

By feelin a lil left out - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I found out what it means to be the only single person in my group of friends. They had a New Year's party and didn't invite me because they didn't want me to "feel alone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22818

You deserved it

1634

Favorite

By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76859

You deserved it

3370

Favorite

By Wrongtoilet - Singapore

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35763

You deserved it

5439

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61689

You deserved it

3449

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6844

You deserved it

33720

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By >_< - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50490

You deserved it

6300

Favorite

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Top comments

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579585 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 8:18

Wait so... your secret Santa was basically like, I'm not gonna buy alcohol because I'm pregnant and bitter so I'm going to give you my pregnancy tests instead?

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7579548 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 4:03

you can get rid of chlamydia easier.

COMMENTS

By acmariner99 | 24

#7579531 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 2:41

Maybe save it for when your bundle arrives? Congratulations!

By Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7579533 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 2:42

well, looks like you wont get to enjoy that crown royal. sorry, OP. but congrats?!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7579542 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:24

Hey, a baby is much better than chlamydia.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7579548 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 4:03

you can get rid of chlamydia easier.

By mt21mt | 15

#7579546 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

bigdaddyeric | 30

#7579572 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 5:46

Hey just for the record Chief (OP), that Crown Royal Apple shit tastes and smells like some homeless person ate a bunch of McDonalds Hot Apple Pies, threw them up and then rolled around in them, then you came by and took a big whiff of it, and liked it so much that you ate it off his pants. So you didn’t miss anything Dog......

Koios | 30

#7579581 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 7:57

The fact you got this triggered over a FML is both sad and hilarious

Selene1090 | 26

#7579837 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 20:50

Then don't go if you're going to be such a bitter buzzkill.

Scáthach_1699204304 | 5

#7580328 - Friday 29 December 2017 6:28

Amen

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579585 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 8:18

Wait so... your secret Santa was basically like, I'm not gonna buy alcohol because I'm pregnant and bitter so I'm going to give you my pregnancy tests instead?

By woxliuke | 12

#7579781 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 16:57

Let me guess: you're a guy with a girlfriend and a side chick and both of them got pregnant?

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7579884 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 23:40

Condoms, people.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 16

#7579957 - Thursday 28 December 2017 6:55

So are you pregnant

mt21mt | 15

#7580141 - Thursday 28 December 2017 17:28

Seeing as how the OP is a man, I doubt he is pregnant.

By zoelog | 10

#7839145 - Monday 2 September 2019 18:20

was someone trying to tell you something?

By shannon2348 | 14

#7856556 - Monday 4 November 2019 13:22

was someone trying to tell you something???