By Anonymous - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3496

You deserved it

491

Favorite

Holidays

Sorry…

Mixed signals

Noise

By Michelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45355

You deserved it

4751

Favorite

By Mel Ancholy - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35242

You deserved it

8161

Favorite

By hayah - France

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9327

You deserved it

23251

Favorite

By somechick - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35253

You deserved it

6065

Favorite

By ~~~~ - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11319

You deserved it

5989

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19280

You deserved it

25364

Favorite

By robinhoood - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76811

You deserved it

13492

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he's convinced wearing boxer briefs instead of panties makes me a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23414

You deserved it

4214

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

PUA

Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25177

You deserved it

2207

Favorite

By fitzy79 - United States

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46688

You deserved it

3741

Favorite

By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27786

You deserved it

4844

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10173

You deserved it

39559

Favorite

By iAMloud - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12445

You deserved it

67410

Favorite

By RhuLynette - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26579

You deserved it

2974

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24909

You deserved it

51854

Favorite

By ANON - United Kingdom - London

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13649

You deserved it

759

Favorite

By Jpev - United States - Huntsville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9975

You deserved it

4221

Favorite

By soo

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26157

You deserved it

1807

Favorite

By tanksfan - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than 2 years, I decided to quit. I come home from work and I see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7385

You deserved it

41739

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7217

You deserved it

602

Favorite

By num1piglover - United States - Raritan

Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9620

You deserved it

713

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40560

You deserved it

3839

Favorite

By car - Australia

Today, after a costly fix for my brakes that failed a while back as I was going down a hill, I found a $130 bill in the mail attached to a speed camera photo of me shitting myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31619

You deserved it

4078

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36672

You deserved it

6080

Favorite

By Why Is It Always Me - Canada - Calgary

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5503

You deserved it

3010

Favorite

By flimflam - United States

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42645

You deserved it

3848

Favorite

By Kay

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9621

You deserved it

598

Favorite

By mommy - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27411

You deserved it

2510

Favorite

By BrokeAsHell - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50796

You deserved it

2864

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52825

You deserved it

4758

Favorite

By towelwindow - United States

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46769

You deserved it

8432

Favorite

By Pokecousin

Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML

I agree, your life sucks

6588

You deserved it

528

Favorite

By sadspinster

Single life

Today, I found out that both my younger sisters are bringing their boyfriends home for Christmas. The youngest is 25, and he's actually her fiancé. The other is 30, and she and her boyfriend have been living together for over a year. I'll be the 36-year-old spinster in the twin bed upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1467

You deserved it

299

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30417

You deserved it

2989

Favorite

By pchis4ever - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

I agree, your life sucks

13511

You deserved it

36744

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13644

You deserved it

35823

Favorite

By NoBikesForYou - Israel - Ramla

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37988

You deserved it

6112

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41333

You deserved it

6625

Favorite

By Stumanji - United States

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27997

You deserved it

2184

Favorite

By Awks - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27936

You deserved it

6059

Favorite

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Top comments

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579585 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 8:18

Wait so... your secret Santa was basically like, I'm not gonna buy alcohol because I'm pregnant and bitter so I'm going to give you my pregnancy tests instead?

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7579548 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 4:03

you can get rid of chlamydia easier.

COMMENTS

By acmariner99 | 24

#7579531 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 2:41

Maybe save it for when your bundle arrives? Congratulations!

By Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7579533 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 2:42

well, looks like you wont get to enjoy that crown royal. sorry, OP. but congrats?!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7579542 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:24

Hey, a baby is much better than chlamydia.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7579548 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 4:03

you can get rid of chlamydia easier.

By mt21mt | 15

#7579546 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bigdaddyeric | 30

#7579572 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 5:46

Hey just for the record Chief (OP), that Crown Royal Apple shit tastes and smells like some homeless person ate a bunch of McDonalds Hot Apple Pies, threw them up and then rolled around in them, then you came by and took a big whiff of it, and liked it so much that you ate it off his pants. So you didn’t miss anything Dog......

Koios | 30

#7579581 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 7:57

The fact you got this triggered over a FML is both sad and hilarious

Selene1090 | 26

#7579837 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 20:50

Then don't go if you're going to be such a bitter buzzkill.

Scáthach_1699204304 | 4

#7580328 - Friday 29 December 2017 6:28

Amen

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579585 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 8:18

Wait so... your secret Santa was basically like, I'm not gonna buy alcohol because I'm pregnant and bitter so I'm going to give you my pregnancy tests instead?

By woxliuke | 12

#7579781 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 16:57

Let me guess: you're a guy with a girlfriend and a side chick and both of them got pregnant?

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7579884 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 23:40

Condoms, people.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7579957 - Thursday 28 December 2017 6:55

So are you pregnant

mt21mt | 15

#7580141 - Thursday 28 December 2017 17:28

Seeing as how the OP is a man, I doubt he is pregnant.

By zoelog | 10

#7839145 - Monday 2 September 2019 18:20

was someone trying to tell you something?

By shannon2348 | 14

#7856556 - Monday 4 November 2019 13:22

was someone trying to tell you something???