By Anonymous - 26/12/2017 19:30 - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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Holidays

Peaky Bladders

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 23/2/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By Patrick R - 9/6/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

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By susiedoggles - 5/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By noname - 27/4/2012 12:04 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2013 15:56 - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

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By HedgehogFace - 29/11/2018 03:00

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

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By Slayer - 9/10/2011 23:28 - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By ckatia - 30/8/2016 09:29 - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 10:03 - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

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By anerdmom - 18/10/2018 14:00

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By livvlynette - 27/2/2010 10:15 - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2013 06:42

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2017 05:00 - United States - Fresno

Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML

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By idated a moron - 10/6/2019 16:07

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

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By Illinoisgirl - 14/2/2012 14:29 - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

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40099

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By coolest_mom - 25/11/2015 06:00

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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27382

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/1/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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28454

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By - 18/1/2017 20:00

Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML

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By Jusawkward - 1/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

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By wallflower - 10/9/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2015 03:16 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 12:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 01:07 - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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2113

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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By krabby patty - 25/5/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By wow - 27/5/2013 16:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

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62051

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By Username - 28/2/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

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28462

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By fridgemylifee - 13/8/2015 17:39 - United States

Today, I had a first date with a guy I met online. And his mom. FML

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25365

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By PissedbythePiper - 11/9/2012 06:11 - United States - Saukville

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

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26239

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 18:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By :^( - 7/12/2013 17:30 - Bahrain - Isa Town

Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML

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44082

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By Bug8Frog - 30/7/2013 06:42 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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47575

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6700

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By HereKittyKitty - 1/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

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42768

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By Samantha - 30/10/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2018 09:00 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't know I had. That is to say, the company hired me but didn't tell me, so when I didn't show up for work two days in a row, they called and claimed job abandonment. FML

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5165

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By oldskoolfun - 26/12/2015 23:04 - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - 7/8/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By insomnitude - 5/3/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

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Top comments

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579585 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 8:18

Wait so... your secret Santa was basically like, I'm not gonna buy alcohol because I'm pregnant and bitter so I'm going to give you my pregnancy tests instead?

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7579548 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 4:03

you can get rid of chlamydia easier.

COMMENTS

By acmariner99 | 23

#7579531 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 2:41

Maybe save it for when your bundle arrives? Congratulations!

By Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7579533 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 2:42

well, looks like you wont get to enjoy that crown royal. sorry, OP. but congrats?!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7579542 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:24

Hey, a baby is much better than chlamydia.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7579548 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 4:03

you can get rid of chlamydia easier.

By mt21mt | 15

#7579546 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bigdaddyeric | 30

#7579572 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 5:46

Hey just for the record Chief (OP), that Crown Royal Apple shit tastes and smells like some homeless person ate a bunch of McDonalds Hot Apple Pies, threw them up and then rolled around in them, then you came by and took a big whiff of it, and liked it so much that you ate it off his pants. So you didn’t miss anything Dog......

Koios | 30

#7579581 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 7:57

The fact you got this triggered over a FML is both sad and hilarious

Selene1090 | 26

#7579837 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 20:50

Then don't go if you're going to be such a bitter buzzkill.

Scáthach_1699204304 | 4

#7580328 - Friday 29 December 2017 6:28

Amen

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579585 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 8:18

Wait so... your secret Santa was basically like, I'm not gonna buy alcohol because I'm pregnant and bitter so I'm going to give you my pregnancy tests instead?

By woxliuke | 12

#7579781 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 16:57

Let me guess: you're a guy with a girlfriend and a side chick and both of them got pregnant?

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7579884 - Wednesday 27 December 2017 23:40

Condoms, people.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7579957 - Thursday 28 December 2017 6:55

So are you pregnant

mt21mt | 15

#7580141 - Thursday 28 December 2017 17:28

Seeing as how the OP is a man, I doubt he is pregnant.

By zoelog | 10

#7839145 - Monday 2 September 2019 18:20

was someone trying to tell you something?

By shannon2348 | 14

#7856556 - Monday 4 November 2019 13:22

was someone trying to tell you something???