Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant....

By Anonymous - 7/2/2010 14:19 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant. As I was finishing the soup, I noticed a small curly hair at the bottom of the soup. The chef is bald. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Capitalism kills

By itstillhurts - 21/12/2009 04:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was down the pub with a mate and we got onto the subject of bar fights. I said I thought being glassed wouldn't actually hurt that much. My friend looks at me, calmly finishes his pint and then swiftly smashes his glass over my head. Turns out I was wrong. And we got kicked out. FML

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By Krissy - 25/1/2010 08:36 - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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By Man vs. Spider - 28/2/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

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By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

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By workaholic - 17/11/2010 07:34

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 20:12 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 02:00

Pampered

Today, I'm 25-years-old and I need to wear an adult diaper as I have lost my bladder control. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 01:00 - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - 24/9/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2012 20:54 - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By suspicious - 5/7/2013 02:26 - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

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By bluskyz1979 - 17/5/2016 15:32 - United States - Cypress

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date and he starts complaining about how his back is hurting him. He complains the whole evening. Fast forward to later that night, we are in bed so I ask him if he was feeling OK. He says, "I guess so. I'm just confused about my feelings for you." FML

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By zyordz - 27/6/2009 04:12 - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

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By foreveralonecatlady - 28/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I was bombarded with pictures of my little sister's Christmas present. It was a huge engagement ring. I got broken up with in public on Christmas eve. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2017 06:00

Today, the gas company had to be called into work for a possible gas leak. The pipes are fine. I had White Castle for dinner last night. I'm the gas leak. FML

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By angelamegan21 - 28/5/2014 20:33 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

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By anon - 27/4/2016 16:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

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By kp - 31/8/2010 12:46 - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By BOO! - 25/5/2019 04:00

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

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By dream1334 - 2/6/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

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By blaahh - 19/2/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By Brinty - 13/3/2010 05:18 - Australia

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

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By epicgamer - 13/9/2016 02:55 - United States - Fremont

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

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By immaturity all around - 31/3/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By mommy - 17/11/2010 12:09 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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By sad but true. - 15/4/2014 23:18 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML

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By KTK - 18/2/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By bex - 7/1/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

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By xXx - 16/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

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By muffincakess - 21/1/2010 00:55 - France

Today, I went to buy some spray paint for a project. I've never used a spray can before, so I decided to try it on paper provided. Unfortunately I didn't hold the can the right way and ended up with black, permanent, paint all over my face in the middle of a store. FML

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By makehimscrubit - 14/9/2016 03:18 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I found out the guys I live with have an ongoing contest to see if they can hit targets on the inside of the toilet lid with urine when they pee. I could forgive this in my seven-year-old son, but not my forty-year-old husband. FML

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By NoorFML - 19/10/2012 14:37 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 11:12 - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 01:00

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

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By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 5/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

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By SY5623 - 12/8/2015 00:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML

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By JacktheRussian - 8/4/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By Mandy_fml | 0

#832832 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:06

Ugh, I once found a tiny black curly hair in my McDonalds burger. My friends nicknamed it the 'Pube Burger'
I feel for you.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#832741 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:44

Yup, he sued the restaurant because there was a hair in his soup.

You must be a genius.

Comments

By micery | 0

#832638 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:26

gun6slinger9 | 9

#832788 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:55

maybe it is your hair

micery | 0

#832948 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:43

Pointy130 | 0

#833532 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:14

Yes, very much ew. Also, lawsuit-able.

cowgod | 0

#833577 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:26

crab soup! yummmy

pwincessa23 | 1

#833920 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:48

Ever heard of a sous chef????!!!

_Paul_88 | 0

#834141 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:25

ball soup anyone?

9010649 | 3

#836109 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:15

LOL

girlslikeboyz | 0

#853120 - Saturday 13 February 2010 23:57

ROFL ! AHAHAHA

vollyball921 | 0

#904301 - Monday 1 March 2010 15:46

tragdor! lol

ryguy1997 | 0

#969670 - Sunday 28 March 2010 5:26

eyelash? doh.

EdailEcstacy | 0

#974695 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:04

lol did you do something that pissed them off??
lol ever watched Waiting... lol that movies funny and gross.... haha

colts609380 | 7

#1040829 - Thursday 24 June 2010 6:01

wonder where it was from..... lol jk SICK!

Christina_Love | 1

#1145625 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:39

Well, Did the soup taste good at least?

pikmin5764 | 18

#6457791 - Tuesday 10 November 2015 5:41

It could be chest hair?

By MagicalPegicorn | 0

#832656 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

arm pit hair?

mikeyceroooo | 0

#833591 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:30

or even a arm hair if he has long, you know, arm hair

BoarderBoy15 | 0

#836262 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:04

wow

HahaHillarious1 | 0

#2370733 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 4:54

or worse. could be australian hair, yanno the kind from DOWN UNDER. sorry to any aussies out there. joke just fits.

ps what is an australian kiss?

a french kiss down under.

sorry agai. aussies. :)

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#2838420 - Thursday 7 July 2011 14:49

nose hair?

delude | 26

#5947481 - Saturday 17 May 2014 0:24

Pretty sure there was more than one chef

By killerviral | 0

#832668 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

pube soup anyone that's hilarious fyl 2nd

Freeze_fml | 16

#832679 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:33

Uh, 3rd.

And more like 100th since a whole bunch of comments mysteriously disappeared.

ladiesman14 | 0

#834157 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:30

tired of all the 12 year old moderators removing comments. this site is becoming lame. the comments are what most people on the earth come to fml for. the moderators are ruining fml's business model and future ipo plans.