Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant....

By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant. As I was finishing the soup, I noticed a small curly hair at the bottom of the soup. The chef is bald. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

The View

Small town blues

By Nickolas - United States

Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML

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By tay - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By sadman - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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By mustachio101 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

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By Bloody Nose - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

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By what - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 17:00

Decisions, decisions

Today my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

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By badsitter

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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By creditwhore - United States

Today, I decided to apply for a credit card to help build up my credit rating. It seemed smart since I'm a 24 year old college graduate. I was rejected for not having a credit history. Being rejected turns out to hurt your credit history. The irony of my predicament is too great for words. FML

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By weirded out - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

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By FeedMe - United States

Today, my mother went shopping. She bought three boxes of Popsicles and a giant stuffed dog. She did not buy dinner or toilet paper. I've eaten nothing but cereal and popcorn for three days now. FML

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By noname - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

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By RootyTootToot

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

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2518

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

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By fml...really - United States

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By fabiennemorin35 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

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By Twiggysucks68 - United States - Antioch

Today, my fiancé decided he wants a baby only because our dog is good, quiet, and falls asleep as soon as he starts to cradle her. He thinks a baby will be just like that. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By CapitolSouthSux - United States

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

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By aquagoddess

Today, I used the last of my money to buy a bag of vending machine chips for dinner. It got stuck. A passerby saw and generously offered to buy another bag of the same chips to dislodge it. Gratefully, I accepted his offer. It stayed stuck. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 11:05 - Australia

Unforgettable

Today, it's my birthday, I once again had to remind my best friend of this fact, like I have every year for the past 20 years. FML

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By Lilypad - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By JZ - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

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By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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1318

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

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29037

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By FUSheldon - United States - Millstadt

Today, my boyfriend started watching The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Now he won't stop saying "Bazinga" every time he says or hears something that sounds funny. It's so annoying I want to feed him to the neighbor's dog. FML

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By kiddoc - United States

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

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56811

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 11:02

Great quality control

Today, I got a job! When they sent me the offer letter, I sent it back ASAP after being satisfied with the salary and benefits. My problem? I wrote that I'd accepted the wrong position (in the interview it went by different names) The irony? I'm supposed to be in QC, ie., I'm supposed to have a keen eye for errors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, I was helping my mom look for some money she'd misplaced. At my wit's end, I flipped through her diary, in case she'd hidden it between the pages as she has before. Didn't find the money, but I did find out she might well be cheating on my dad. FML

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43289

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By Etyl - Indonesia

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

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By Staying Home Today - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

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Top comments

By Mandy_fml | 0

#832832 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:06

Ugh, I once found a tiny black curly hair in my McDonalds burger. My friends nicknamed it the 'Pube Burger'
I feel for you.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#832741 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:44

Yup, he sued the restaurant because there was a hair in his soup.

You must be a genius.

COMMENTS

By micery | 0

#832638 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:26

gun6slinger9 | 9

#832788 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:55

maybe it is your hair

micery | 0

#832948 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:43

Pointy130 | 0

#833532 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:14

Yes, very much ew. Also, lawsuit-able.

cowgod | 0

#833577 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:26

crab soup! yummmy

pwincessa23 | 1

#833920 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:48

Ever heard of a sous chef????!!!

_Paul_88 | 0

#834141 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:25

ball soup anyone?

9010649 | 3

#836109 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:15

LOL

girlslikeboyz | 0

#853120 - Saturday 13 February 2010 23:57

ROFL ! AHAHAHA

vollyball921 | 0

#904301 - Monday 1 March 2010 15:46

tragdor! lol

ryguy1997 | 0

#969670 - Sunday 28 March 2010 5:26

eyelash? doh.

EdailEcstacy | 0

#974695 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:04

lol did you do something that pissed them off??
lol ever watched Waiting... lol that movies funny and gross.... haha

colts609380 | 7

#1040829 - Thursday 24 June 2010 6:01

wonder where it was from..... lol jk SICK!

Christina_Love | 1

#1145625 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:39

Well, Did the soup taste good at least?

pikmin5764 | 18

#6457791 - Tuesday 10 November 2015 5:41

It could be chest hair?

By MagicalPegicorn | 0

#832656 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

arm pit hair?

mikeyceroooo | 0

#833591 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:30

or even a arm hair if he has long, you know, arm hair

BoarderBoy15 | 0

#836262 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:04

wow

HahaHillarious1 | 0

#2370733 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 4:54

or worse. could be australian hair, yanno the kind from DOWN UNDER. sorry to any aussies out there. joke just fits.

ps what is an australian kiss?

a french kiss down under.

sorry agai. aussies. :)

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#2838420 - Thursday 7 July 2011 14:49

nose hair?

delude | 26

#5947481 - Saturday 17 May 2014 0:24

Pretty sure there was more than one chef

By killerviral | 0

#832668 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

pube soup anyone that's hilarious fyl 2nd

Freeze_fml | 16

#832679 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:33

Uh, 3rd.

And more like 100th since a whole bunch of comments mysteriously disappeared.

ladiesman14 | 0

#834157 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:30

tired of all the 12 year old moderators removing comments. this site is becoming lame. the comments are what most people on the earth come to fml for. the moderators are ruining fml's business model and future ipo plans.