Miscellaneous: Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant....

By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant. As I was finishing the soup, I noticed a small curly hair at the bottom of the soup. The chef is bald. FML

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Miscellaneous

Vulture

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

FML every way you look at it

By creepster - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By chrono19 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By JWhite - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

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By RhiannonMuh - Germany - Starnberg

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

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By broke_otaku - United States

Caught

Today, my boyfriend asked me to sniff his armpit to see if he was the one who smelled. I did because we are that comfortable with us. After a couple of sniffs I heard laughter. I forgot I was sitting in his living room and his family was watching me the whole time. I am now the BO finder. FML

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By WhyBother - 21/2/2021 05:02

Starfish

Today, while having sex with my husband, I was tired so a lot more of a starfish than I usually am. My husband came sooner and harder than he ever had, and declared it the best sex we've had. FML

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By mimo - France

Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, changing the garbage in the bathroom at work resulted in a hospital visit after an incorrectly disposed used needle scraped into my thigh. FML

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By LustyDragon

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By crappy_day - United States

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By lifeguard down - United States

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By JulesBlues - Germany

Today, we had the hottest day ever recorded in Germany. Well, at least this means I won't need a hot water bottle to keep my feet from freezing, right? Wrong. FML

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By Amberain - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was at my boyfriend's grandmother's house meeting her for the first time. I excused myself to the restroom and as I walked out of the room I heard her say, "You could do a lot better. She's fat." Then I heard my boyfriend reply, "I know." FML

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By denied - United States

Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy-friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML

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By gjh - Australia

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

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By kylie - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

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By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

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By aisbash - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

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By NYeeerrr

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By pain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

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By short&stout

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law told my husband that I cannot stay in her house unless I can bring proof from a doctor that my allergy to cats is not contagious. FML

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By "Geric Brawner"

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

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By fuck me - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML

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By AnonymousCow - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

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By virginkiller - Singapore

You learn something new every day

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By Help. - United Kingdom

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By Ohhh the pain

Today, after a night of vomiting and diarrhoea, my family forced me to our beach house for the night. I packed my bag and my mum said she put my bag in the car. We get there where we realise she forgot to put my bag in the car. Not a big deal I thought. 5 minutes later I shit and vomited myself. FML

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

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Top comments

By Mandy_fml | 0

#832832 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:06

Ugh, I once found a tiny black curly hair in my McDonalds burger. My friends nicknamed it the 'Pube Burger'
I feel for you.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#832741 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:44

Yup, he sued the restaurant because there was a hair in his soup.

You must be a genius.

COMMENTS

By micery | 0

#832638 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:26

gun6slinger9 | 9

#832788 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:55

maybe it is your hair

micery | 0

#832948 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:43

Pointy130 | 0

#833532 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:14

Yes, very much ew. Also, lawsuit-able.

cowgod | 0

#833577 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:26

crab soup! yummmy

pwincessa23 | 1

#833920 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:48

Ever heard of a sous chef????!!!

_Paul_88 | 0

#834141 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:25

ball soup anyone?

9010649 | 3

#836109 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:15

LOL

girlslikeboyz | 0

#853120 - Saturday 13 February 2010 23:57

ROFL ! AHAHAHA

vollyball921 | 0

#904301 - Monday 1 March 2010 15:46

tragdor! lol

ryguy1997 | 0

#969670 - Sunday 28 March 2010 5:26

eyelash? doh.

EdailEcstacy | 0

#974695 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:04

lol did you do something that pissed them off??
lol ever watched Waiting... lol that movies funny and gross.... haha

colts609380 | 7

#1040829 - Thursday 24 June 2010 6:01

wonder where it was from..... lol jk SICK!

Christina_Love | 1

#1145625 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:39

Well, Did the soup taste good at least?

pikmin5764 | 18

#6457791 - Tuesday 10 November 2015 5:41

It could be chest hair?

By MagicalPegicorn | 0

#832656 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

arm pit hair?

mikeyceroooo | 0

#833591 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:30

or even a arm hair if he has long, you know, arm hair

BoarderBoy15 | 0

#836262 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:04

wow

HahaHillarious1 | 0

#2370733 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 4:54

or worse. could be australian hair, yanno the kind from DOWN UNDER. sorry to any aussies out there. joke just fits.

ps what is an australian kiss?

a french kiss down under.

sorry agai. aussies. :)

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#2838420 - Thursday 7 July 2011 14:49

nose hair?

delude | 26

#5947481 - Saturday 17 May 2014 0:24

Pretty sure there was more than one chef

By killerviral | 0

#832668 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

pube soup anyone that's hilarious fyl 2nd

Freeze_fml | 16

#832679 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:33

Uh, 3rd.

And more like 100th since a whole bunch of comments mysteriously disappeared.

ladiesman14 | 0

#834157 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:30

tired of all the 12 year old moderators removing comments. this site is becoming lame. the comments are what most people on the earth come to fml for. the moderators are ruining fml's business model and future ipo plans.