Miscellaneous: Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character... - FML

By idonteven - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49933

You deserved it

4449

Tweet

Share

The smell detective is on the case

Social media was a mistake

Mystery

By Anonymous

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30035

You deserved it

2629

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15483

You deserved it

74036

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39485

You deserved it

3778

Tweet

Share

By LucklessNiceGuy - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30186

You deserved it

41674

Tweet

Share

By bleh - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31273

You deserved it

6761

Tweet

Share

By omgjessp - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45502

You deserved it

3960

Tweet

Share

By DebtedToSociety - United States

Today, I was watching a TV show about people with shopping addictions. One girl was $15,000 in debt and I thought how horrible it would be to live with that. Then I realized that I'm in medical school and currently $135,000 in debt. At least they have something to show for their debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52011

You deserved it

8554

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27716

You deserved it

15705

Tweet

Share

By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5008

You deserved it

470

Tweet

Share

By laxguy23 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66826

You deserved it

3468

Tweet

Share

By knicksfan - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

97778

You deserved it

6571

Tweet

Share

By jj - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36998

You deserved it

3349

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42668

You deserved it

6466

Tweet

Share

By xswitch74 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32458

You deserved it

4198

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1697

You deserved it

93

Tweet

Share

By chattyloz - United Kingdom

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13793

You deserved it

39660

Tweet

Share

By Whatthehell - United States - Soddy Daisy

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21925

You deserved it

2452

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21653

You deserved it

43025

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12937

You deserved it

28271

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40493

You deserved it

11447

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46524

You deserved it

4704

Tweet

Share

By mathhhh - United States

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10038

You deserved it

38284

Tweet

Share

By Lovernotafighter - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22285

You deserved it

2166

Tweet

Share

By sadlrana121 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32196

You deserved it

2542

Tweet

Share

By CloroxDoggo - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9313

You deserved it

1995

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24076

You deserved it

4855

Tweet

Share

By Fsd - France

Today, I'm on holiday, but my alarm clock isn't. It rang at 6 o'clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14303

You deserved it

46960

Tweet

Share

By GuitarChick42 - United States

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks

320213

You deserved it

22849

Tweet

Share

By suicide - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

11768

You deserved it

33767

Tweet

Share

By Fat_abott - France

Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43138

You deserved it

5532

Tweet

Share

By lily389

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38211

You deserved it

4065

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 00:01

Mystery Girl

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1800

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

By bdiddy - United States

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39663

You deserved it

11323

Tweet

Share

By Saduglydad - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25782

You deserved it

9588

Tweet

Share

By Blah - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

58616

You deserved it

6307

Tweet

Share

By It was the 11 year old - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29818

You deserved it

5000

Tweet

Share

By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40866

You deserved it

3275

Tweet

Share

By fuckshit

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39290

You deserved it

4570

Tweet

Share

By eyelashess - United States

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34118

You deserved it

4370

Tweet

Share

By Bambusmaster

Sobering.

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2749

You deserved it

209

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Wederoney | 16

#5624889 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

At least you can imagine what would happen if you did.

By Kiki242 | 19

#5624893 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

We've all had that moment where a parent is like "if you ever did that".

COMMENTS

By Wederoney | 16

#5624889 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

At least you can imagine what would happen if you did.

Reply

football98_fml | 20

#5625284 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 6:57

my imagination isnt great enough to see what my dad would do to me if i said that to him, and i have a pretty big imagination

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5625935 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 18:37

The worst part is that there are almost 2200 people that YDId this. Why, people, why?

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5624890 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Well, you've been warned - even if you didn't do anything this time.

Reply

gzmn91 | 6

#5625083 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:40

The perks of being a parent...must be nice for them...

By Kiki242 | 19

#5624893 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

We've all had that moment where a parent is like "if you ever did that".

Reply

horne2 | 9

#5624956 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:32

Yeah, but you never get slapped

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5624967 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:41

#20, are you sure? You'd be surprised.

Reply

horne2 | 9

#5625125 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:30

I mean you wouldnt get slapped for someone in the movie saying it

Reply

webbface | 25

#5625505 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 10:23

Not the point he made.

By WiseGirl98 | 5

#5624894 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:04

that's one way to make sure your son doesn't talk to you like that. slap him upside the head and tell him not too, when it was a movie character.

By alexwow1 | 13

#5624896 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:04

He did it for fun

By lissa_jade | 22

#5624901 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:06

I'd rather endure that than the awkwardness of watching a sex scene in the movie with your dad right there.
see? silver lining.

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5625092 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:51

Yeah that's a very awkward 30 seconds...

Reply

Zebediabolical | 39

#5625320 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 7:25

... how do you make it last 30 sec... OH IT'S A MOVIE!

By phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5624905 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:09

He didn't realize it was a movie?

Reply

MissWhitneyB | 17

#5624959 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:33

He slapped him over the head to tell him to never say what the movie character said ... Pretty sure he would be able to tell if OP said it

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5624913 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:12

He just wanted an excuse to slap your head

By UnluckyGenius | 21

#5624923 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:19

I believe the military term for this is "preemptive strike" it is a usually a sound tactic.
Usually..

By pikachulove14 | 14

#5624924 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:19

My mom does that.they take it personally