Transportation: Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered...

By amayasoma - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

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Transportation

Dementia or hate? You decide

Commando

Everyone's an expert

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out apparently I sleep walk. My boyfriend has been filming me and uploading it all to Youtube. FML

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By waxinghorror - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

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By arse of fire :( - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By BigMouth McRedface - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 08:08 - United Kingdom - London

Great expectations

Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700 mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

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By Blah

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 02:02

Cuties

Today, I shaved my penis and balls. When my girlfriend saw, she said, "You look like my little brother." He's 6 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

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By Sock_Muppet

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

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By dantheman - United States

Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work for. Two weeks ago my fiancé dumped me and I moved out of the house. Almost all of the furniture was mine and it took forever. The new moving assignment I have is moving her new boyfriend into my old house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

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By jessicab72 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By nikko blue - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

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2008

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By avaiia - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML

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By starfishedasshole - United States

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

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By fmlpgh - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By disgusted - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By bubblezzz123 - United States

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By Grimmy - United States - Brunswick

Crack wars

Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML

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By "baow" - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

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2052

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By mediocreboobs - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

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By grapes - United States - Westfield

Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML

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By esoog - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By playdated - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

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48617

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By diva467 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

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By hellostupid - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

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By swiggityswooty - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

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Top comments

By EpicKid07 | 10

#5624892 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hey, at least you didn't have anything valuable taken. I'd rather have a $4 pack of cigarettes stolen than a $700 computer.

By alexwow1 | 13

#5624891 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hope you have insurance

COMMENTS

By alexwow1 | 13

#5624891 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hope you have insurance

\ | 28

#5624903 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:08

Maybe the mugger from a few days earlier is on a rampage... "The Serial Smoke Stealer" strikes again!

PterodactylMan | 23

#5624993 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:04

It's always the weird things they take

amayasoma | 19

#5625000 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:10

Sadly, I don't. I went to my car to get my registration papers for the insurance. :/

Gothicbunnyx3 | 16

#5625002 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:12

That's almost as bad as when someone broke into someone's car for cookies and then left a sticky note saying "thank you".

mattlw | 25

#5625005 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:14

Even if you had insurance the price of the window and cigs probably wouldn't have met the deductible. Still
Sucks either way.

alexwow1 | 13

#5625085 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:41

Sorry OP

OnlyTheDarkest | 17

#5625099 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:58

Oh wow.. I just got this really weird feeling that theres a button that says that! Strange..

\ | 28

#5625126 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:30

Enough of these ridiculing comments. Just thumb them down and move on...

iAlissa | 34

#5625128 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:31

#67, seriously. Move on with those comments.

SkyDog | 9

#5625305 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 7:15

Can't remeber exactly but some people have the bare minimum of Car Insurance.

If I hit someone. My insurance covers them.
If I hit something, my Inurance won't pay a cent.

SwaggCapone | 11

#5625669 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 14:03

Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess

By EpicKid07 | 10

#5624892 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hey, at least you didn't have anything valuable taken. I'd rather have a $4 pack of cigarettes stolen than a $700 computer.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5624907 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:09

A lot of people where I live wish cigarettes were $4 a pack... But exactly OP. It could've been a lot worse

Isa_fml | 20

#5624937 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:23

Where the heck do you live that cigarettes are that cheap?! But yep, you're absolutely right. I mean, it'd be best to avoid broken windows altogether, but it could have been worse.

coversquirrel | 8

#5624990 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:03

Where i live cigarettes are 8 dollars. And he doesn't care about the cigarettes he cares than now his window is broken

Treveyon56 | 14

#5625009 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:21

The store near where I live sales them for under two bucks.

amayasoma | 19

#5625020 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:29

#39, I'm a she. Lol And yeah...the window is going to cost more than the pack of $5 cigarettes lol

StanBVB | 10

#5625030 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:34

Jesus. It's $12 here for a decent pack of cigarettes.

outoftown | 26

#5625066 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:24

52 - But the heart transplant is free, right?

sarah6786 | 14

#5625072 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:30

I live in upstate New York cigarettes are over ten bucks.

Naitras | 15

#5625077 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:32

@52... Only $12?! In New Zealand the cheapest is $15, it's $17 for the good ones

Sfaizi24 | 17

#5625079 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:36

I think op doesn't care about the lighter or cigs. He now has a window to replace, which is extremely expensive

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5625095 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:51

60- as do I. the only place that's cheap is the Indian Reservation

j_729 | 18

#5625130 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:36

Here is a solution. Stop smoking! The people who don't smoke find it really annoying to smell that everywhere we go. Not to mention how unhealthy it is for you and everyone around you

Pevira | 15

#5625134 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:45

Someone finally points out the obvious, number 74!!! Thank you!

amayasoma | 19

#5625155 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 4:10

74 - I don't smoke around people. I am not even a chain smoker. A pack can last me a month or longer. Plus,i am trying to quit. Even still. There was NO excuse to destroy my car window for a pack of cigs.

j_729 | 18

#5625183 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 4:31

80 - My comment wasn't directed only at you. It was also for the people complaining about how much cigarettes cost.

Incognito_1924 | 17

#5625276 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 6:41

80, I'm really confused. You seem to be claiming that this FML is yours, but it doesn't say that when you comment, nor does it say you have any confirmed FMLs..

SkyDog | 9

#5625308 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 7:17

105 It does for me?

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5625449 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:40

105 - If you notice, her comments are backgrounded with a different color than ours - as are all OP's with their own FMLs

zandalee | 19

#5625450 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:40

Love yr pic OP!

coldsteelstu | 4

#5625589 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 12:09

$4??? yeah they have gone up in price. depending on where the Op lives that could be a $15-20 value all together.

Lonus | 9

#5625793 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 16:17

Well since the usernames match...

Incognito_1924 | 17

#5625817 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 16:48

Yep. At the time I commented it hadn't changed. It just appeared as a regular comment. I thought it would have been a different color right off the bat. Sorry for the confusion.