Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered...

By amayasoma - 12/8/2013 18:54 - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

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Transportation

Family values

Nice neighborhood

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 16:00

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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By ImaSneakyNinja - 17/11/2016 02:55 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 21:17 - United States - Fremont

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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By fuck's sake - 16/4/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:40 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

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By John jacob - 13/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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By kb - 1/2/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 18:54 - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By you're shitting me - 27/5/2013 05:05 - Australia

Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with 4 other people, with one fridge. FML

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By sarika - 24/7/2015 00:12 - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

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By Username - 8/2/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

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By FullOfNick - 10/9/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2015 04:20 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

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By seriously - 2/10/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

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By Da Boss - 5/10/2016 01:19 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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By What? - 22/1/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 16:00

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

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By niccy - 9/9/2010 04:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By Mick - 6/6/2011 14:18

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

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By Ferniferousfern - 6/3/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend of several years outright refuses to come to my best friend's wedding, on the grounds he'll be "bored". FML

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By Anon - 8/2/2017 05:00 - Australia

Head in the Clouds

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By dumping time - 25/11/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Aylesford

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

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By Catherine - 10/6/2012 18:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By Nick - 10/5/2011 07:37 - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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By anon - 27/12/2013 07:28 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 16:35 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

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By poor excuse for a father - 27/10/2018 14:00

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By IndianAngel96 - 29/10/2012 22:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while in a pharmacy, I walked over to the shaving cream aisle. I picked up a can to smell it and unknowingly pushed the button, spraying an old guy in front of me. He freaked out and started telling everyone that the ceiling above him was leaking. FML

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By Anon - 18/5/2011 11:47 - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 05:09 - United States - Boston

Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML

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By epicvixen - 15/3/2015 21:12 - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew on the ground. It was night-time and there weren't many people around, so for a laugh, I picked it up and tossed it behind me as hard as I could. It hit someone. FML

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By dammit hearing aid - 10/7/2014 22:17 - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was interviewing a woman for a job. She told me that she may need days off because of her artistic son. I jokingly replied, "Does he color on the walls or something?" She then stared at me with a weird look on her face. Autistic, her son is autistic. FML

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By Suckered - 4/12/2015 21:47 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

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Top comments

By EpicKid07 | 10

#5624892 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hey, at least you didn't have anything valuable taken. I'd rather have a $4 pack of cigarettes stolen than a $700 computer.

By alexwow1 | 13

#5624891 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hope you have insurance

Comments

By alexwow1 | 13

#5624891 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hope you have insurance

\ | 28

#5624903 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:08

Maybe the mugger from a few days earlier is on a rampage... "The Serial Smoke Stealer" strikes again!

PterodactylMan | 23

#5624993 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:04

It's always the weird things they take

amayasoma | 19

#5625000 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:10

Sadly, I don't. I went to my car to get my registration papers for the insurance. :/

Gothicbunnyx3 | 16

#5625002 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:12

That's almost as bad as when someone broke into someone's car for cookies and then left a sticky note saying "thank you".

mattlw | 25

#5625005 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:14

Even if you had insurance the price of the window and cigs probably wouldn't have met the deductible. Still
Sucks either way.

alexwow1 | 13

#5625085 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:41

Sorry OP

OnlyTheDarkest | 17

#5625099 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:58

Oh wow.. I just got this really weird feeling that theres a button that says that! Strange..

\ | 28

#5625126 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:30

Enough of these ridiculing comments. Just thumb them down and move on...

iAlissa | 34

#5625128 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:31

#67, seriously. Move on with those comments.

SkyDog | 9

#5625305 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 7:15

Can't remeber exactly but some people have the bare minimum of Car Insurance.

If I hit someone. My insurance covers them.
If I hit something, my Inurance won't pay a cent.

SwaggCapone | 11

#5625669 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 14:03

Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess

By EpicKid07 | 10

#5624892 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:03

Hey, at least you didn't have anything valuable taken. I'd rather have a $4 pack of cigarettes stolen than a $700 computer.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5624907 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:09

A lot of people where I live wish cigarettes were $4 a pack... But exactly OP. It could've been a lot worse

Isa_fml | 20

#5624937 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 0:23

Where the heck do you live that cigarettes are that cheap?! But yep, you're absolutely right. I mean, it'd be best to avoid broken windows altogether, but it could have been worse.

coversquirrel | 8

#5624990 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:03

Where i live cigarettes are 8 dollars. And he doesn't care about the cigarettes he cares than now his window is broken

Treveyon56 | 14

#5625009 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:21

The store near where I live sales them for under two bucks.

amayasoma | 19

#5625020 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:29

#39, I'm a she. Lol And yeah...the window is going to cost more than the pack of $5 cigarettes lol

StanBVB | 10

#5625030 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 1:34

Jesus. It's $12 here for a decent pack of cigarettes.

outoftown | 26

#5625066 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:24

52 - But the heart transplant is free, right?

sarah6786 | 14

#5625072 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:30

I live in upstate New York cigarettes are over ten bucks.

Naitras | 15

#5625077 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:32

@52... Only $12?! In New Zealand the cheapest is $15, it's $17 for the good ones

Sfaizi24 | 17

#5625079 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:36

I think op doesn't care about the lighter or cigs. He now has a window to replace, which is extremely expensive

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5625095 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 2:51

60- as do I. the only place that's cheap is the Indian Reservation

j_729 | 18

#5625130 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:36

Here is a solution. Stop smoking! The people who don't smoke find it really annoying to smell that everywhere we go. Not to mention how unhealthy it is for you and everyone around you

Pevira | 15

#5625134 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 3:45

Someone finally points out the obvious, number 74!!! Thank you!

amayasoma | 19

#5625155 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 4:10

74 - I don't smoke around people. I am not even a chain smoker. A pack can last me a month or longer. Plus,i am trying to quit. Even still. There was NO excuse to destroy my car window for a pack of cigs.

j_729 | 18

#5625183 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 4:31

80 - My comment wasn't directed only at you. It was also for the people complaining about how much cigarettes cost.

Incognito_1924 | 17

#5625276 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 6:41

80, I'm really confused. You seem to be claiming that this FML is yours, but it doesn't say that when you comment, nor does it say you have any confirmed FMLs..

SkyDog | 9

#5625308 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 7:17

105 It does for me?

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5625449 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:40

105 - If you notice, her comments are backgrounded with a different color than ours - as are all OP's with their own FMLs

zandalee | 19

#5625450 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:40

Love yr pic OP!

coldsteelstu | 4

#5625589 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 12:09

$4??? yeah they have gone up in price. depending on where the Op lives that could be a $15-20 value all together.

Lonus | 9

#5625793 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 16:17

Well since the usernames match...

Incognito_1924 | 17

#5625817 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 16:48

Yep. At the time I commented it hadn't changed. It just appeared as a regular comment. I thought it would have been a different color right off the bat. Sorry for the confusion.