Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere,... - FML

By Al - 22/6/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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Proactive

Messed up

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Girl - 19/8/2009 00:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

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By dammitall - 15/5/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They then had sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML

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By allinicolesmh - 8/8/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML

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By sadinthesack - 31/8/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 18:00

So shite

Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples, etc. Basically, a real scumbag. He also left me the bill, and it turned out he had all the most expensive menu items, including a £120 bottle of wine. It cost over £300 total. FML

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By gooddriver - 15/10/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I was involved in a wreck. How quickly did the police arrive at the scene? Very quickly, considering he was the one who rear-ended me at a red light. FML

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By Julian - 22/12/2008 07:45 - France

Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answer: 'Well, you don't kiss me often either!". So now she keeps kissing me. FML

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By checkthelabel - 26/4/2016 00:00 - United States - Fremont

Today, I had a throbbing cluster headache. It didn't help matters when an angry customer yelled at me because a dress was "defective." Why was it defective? It didn't fit her. Why didn't it fit her? It was the wrong size. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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By sdd - 23/1/2013 15:44 - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank god, finally!" FML

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By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By Karen - 31/8/2009 14:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

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By annie00016 - 27/10/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I tried to set up my brand new washer and dryer. How hard can it be, right? After cutting my hand in 3 places on the dryer vent, I finished it off with electrocuting myself. So much for being a domestic goddess. FML

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By whatheffers - 7/7/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

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By Wow. Really? - 29/4/2013 18:07 - United States - Columbus

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

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By Unreality - 26/1/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By knolan - 20/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By muffin - 10/5/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By LovesHisHand - 20/9/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

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By notacreeper - 6/4/2011 00:00

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

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By Indigo_Kitten - 8/8/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

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By sofargone420 - 29/7/2011 14:27 - United States

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

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By oh lord - 27/5/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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By Anonyme - 9/7/2011 00:11 - France

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

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By annoyed - 22/1/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 15:48

Today, a very attractive man asked me out on a date, and I said yes. He is tall, charming and a very good kisser. I'm sure the woman he heavily made out with after I left would agree. FML

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By soldnone - 18/11/2012 10:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

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By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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By jigglypuff100 - 20/12/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By howrude - 11/9/2009 11:57 - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By afraidtosleep - 13/10/2012 06:35 - United States - Houston

Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 05:32 - India - Mumbai

Haircut, haircuuuut

Today, I came to the decision that I needed some variety in my life, so I decided to get a haircut. My mom insisted that she could do it and that she had experience because she cuts my dad's short hair. I had thick, long hair. Now, my hair is uneven, ugly and short. FML

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By Foreigner - 1/8/2011 15:05 - Jersey

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2015 17:31 - United States - Newark

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Seize the means of production!

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 00:08 - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

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By fuck you - 26/4/2015 08:19 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

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By rofld - 14/7/2010 16:47 - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2013 18:39 - United States - East Northport

Today, at soccer tryouts, the coach made us run the entire practice. I ran the whole two hours ahead of everyone. When the tryout ended, I vomited due to dehydration. I didn't make the team. The coach's reasoning: "Only the weak throw up". FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#329770 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:10

I hope your comeback was, "Watch your kid, dipshit!"

That is unless you were facing her and saw it coming. Then, you might've been better off moving.

By nike1 | 0

#329766 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:09

What a sick father :S I hope you're OK.

COMMENTS

By nike1 | 0

#329766 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:09

What a sick father :S I hope you're OK.

Reply

sdawl | 0

#331189 - Monday 22 June 2009 22:23

yeah hope your ankle isn't broken. I would have punched the guy in the face and/or stabed him

Reply

nxkftw | 0

#332739 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:34

nasty lil brat and her asshole father.

Reply

nick0011 | 0

#332868 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 10:17

Lmfao when i read this at first i read "her father RAN ME OVER...." I was like WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

lmao then i re read it... still an asshole

Reply

truelyawesome | 0

#843925 - Thursday 11 February 2010 7:52

The little girl just made a mistake! attack the dad, assholes.

Reply

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1293724 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 7:22

I only said YDI so the number would be 1337 :(

Reply

blushy | 14

#3888665 - Sunday 15 January 2012 20:23

don't you just love kids :)

Reply

xzavyur | 8

#5341692 - Sunday 27 January 2013 2:41

#147 It's funny, because it's sarcastic.

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6508243 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 6:56

That little girl's gonna grow up believing whatever she does is someone else's fault. Great parenting,

By redbluegreen | 40

#329770 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:10

I hope your comeback was, "Watch your kid, dipshit!"

That is unless you were facing her and saw it coming. Then, you might've been better off moving.

Reply

ddrluna | 2

#329862 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:01

Yeah, seriously. These people need to be told where the fuck to go when they start lipping off for no reason.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#329906 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:26

Well, ignorant parents can't have all the fun with bad insults.

Reply

ravinderkaler | 0

#330214 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:09

Insulting him back IS the best course of action.

Reply

NoMercy_fml | 0

#330707 - Monday 22 June 2009 18:55

You could run and shove a stick in the kids spokes instead.

Reply

GloomySkyz | 0

#334788 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 1:43

Yes, Because he's going to run with a broken ankle...

Reply

Gunnybear | 0

#981586 - Monday 19 April 2010 1:51

reply, watch were you stick your dick next time, then you won't have to watch this little brat

Reply

Gunnybear | 0

#1604534 - Tuesday 26 October 2010 5:13

wait, what if the dad was talking to his daughter? 0.o

By Phallus_fml | 0

#329772 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:11

What did the word "douchebag" have to do with the incident? Kinda didn't fit in.

Reply

IsaacClarke | 0

#329843 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:46

What. Douchebag is a common insult.

By Rooney101 | 0

#329785 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:14

Another reason why i hate kids. They have no vision more than 2 metres in head of them. I managed never to crash into anyone when i was about 5. Kids are such morons these days.

Reply

Alexgoesfml | 3

#330038 - Monday 22 June 2009 14:46

One of the most ignorant comments I've seen in a while. They are kids, what do you expect? There are only a few kids that just manage to run into people, they are just the ones that are noticed since you won't notice the kids that won't run into you.

By heywood | 0

#329786 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:14

Dumb people can do two things in life: get drivers licenses, and have kids. It is a sick, sad and cruel world.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#329801 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:19

My mom always told me drivers licenses was fate's way of thinning the gene pool.

Reply

darkwar4ever | 0

#329890 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:19

ROFL. Hahaha, that's so true - except good, innocent people get hurt by arrogant assholes.

Reply

spoo | 24

#330322 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:29

you missed making prejudice comments standing in line for chew at walmart

Reply

treli1593 | 0

#330550 - Monday 22 June 2009 17:52

dont forget "become president"

Reply

lisafannypack | 0

#330783 - Monday 22 June 2009 19:24

LOL :D

By chazstah | 0

#329829 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:36

shoulda got up and snapped him in the face

Reply

dan81892 | 2

#331057 - Monday 22 June 2009 21:32

his ankle probably hurt a lot, he couldn't do much if it hurt enough for him to think it was broken.

By WhyMe1_2_3 | 0

#329830 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:36

Wow that sucks..... by no means is this your fault, but maybe be a little bit more observant... i'm pretty sure most people are able to move out the way or atleast say stop when a little girl on a bike rides by

Reply

aback | 4

#330029 - Monday 22 June 2009 14:42

That's why they used to put horns or bells on bikes so you could warn someone instead of just knocking them down.

By Needlestick | 0

#329838 - Monday 22 June 2009 12:43

Of course, he blames someone else because his "little angel" could -never- do anything bloody wrong...dumbass. >.<

I hope your ankle feels better soon!

Reply

Coffee_Kaioken | 0

#332496 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 6:42

Love that reply. "of course his little angel could never do anything wrong."

By Boweezee | 0

#329861 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:00

PWNED. XD

By ForWhatItsWorth | 0

#329866 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:04

Douchebag? What kind of a moronic idiot trying to be his daughter's best friend says 'douchebag'?? Keep her on a leash if you have issues..