Miscellaneous: Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job...

By CT - 25/11/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 709

You deserved it 2 273

Miscellaneous

Walk the line

Hiding from the drama

Gruesome

By grrrr - 08/02/2010 00:35 - United States

Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 363

You deserved it 2 861

By Snufflopagus - 01/01/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 342

You deserved it 10 543

By charpanda007 - 15/02/2009 13:56 - Hong Kong

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 812

You deserved it 11 101

Love is blind

By Anonymous - 01/05/2020 23:00

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 144

By BoBandy - 15/08/2018 14:30

Today, I finally went to the hospital for a week-long migraine. A few Saturdays ago I went to the park to play frisbee with my friends and coworkers. While climbing a fence, I fell and hit my head twice. Turns out I have a severe concussion and a swollen brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 631

You deserved it 873

By Maddie - 22/03/2011 15:39

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 445

You deserved it 12 920

By Elle - 23/02/2011 21:07 - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 439

You deserved it 22 337

By Zanna - 23/03/2017 12:00

Today, a job candidate I was interviewing took a drink of water, and let it dribble down her chin and shirt while making fixed eye contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 350

You deserved it 274

By allergies - 18/09/2015 14:43 - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 980

You deserved it 1 780

More issues than Vogue

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 20:00

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 143

Can't stop, won't stop

By Matt8 - 07/12/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 347

You deserved it 2 093

WHAT?

By Nohearingornoeating - 17/05/2018 15:00

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 089

You deserved it 376

By appropriatepolice - 16/01/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 799

You deserved it 13 663

Kids these days…

By cakehater - 21/08/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I'm a host at a restaurant. We had a birthday party for a couple of 15 year old boys and their friends. I went to clean the bathroom at the end of my shift and discovered cake everywhere, including all over the urinal. They were even nice enough to draw a smiley on the mirror with icing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 248

You deserved it 2 439

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 16:22 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 978

You deserved it 2 339

Boundaries, dude!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 06:01

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 364

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 282

You deserved it 1 118

By ew - 03/08/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 520

You deserved it 49 865

Take the L, dude

By the real loser - 06/11/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, I was going through different social media sites, laughing at the people from high school who’d either gotten fat or divorced or anything of the sort. Then I realized how sad it was to search out and still laugh at people from high school. I need to move on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 1 340

By texasbest - 02/09/2015 02:39 - United States - Lindale

Today, at my new job, I walked into the office to hear my supervisor and HR manager talking about how, "the new guy isn't very smart, but we can get him to do the shit work for a couple weeks." Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 676

You deserved it 2 003

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 17:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 627

You deserved it 1 572

By Anonymous - 18/05/2019 20:00

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 1 794

By sherronj - 07/06/2011 03:26 - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 253

You deserved it 7 511

By Anonymous - 19/04/2015 14:04 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 808

You deserved it 3 574

By Haitwun - 08/12/2014 02:18 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 192

You deserved it 2 904

New movie

By msamberjade - 30/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 450

You deserved it 235

By Anonymous - 25/06/2015 18:29 - United States - Newark

Today, I was notified I'm being discharged after 2 weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 028

You deserved it 1 944

For the life of him indeed

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 08:08

Today, my significant other decided it’s safe to travel to Brazil for Christmas break, even though they are heavily impacted by Covid. He doesn't understand for the life of him why we should skip this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 145

Meow meow

By failed_catgirl - 19/10/2010 23:24 - Canada

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 408

You deserved it 38 788

By Loho - 25/03/2009 02:46 - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 880

You deserved it 104 835

By "lk07" - 27/10/2017 23:00 - United States - Midlothian

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 581

You deserved it 317

By caphis - 03/05/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 916

You deserved it 13 124

By thesporkhop - 25/01/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 021

You deserved it 4 064

By siggit - 10/09/2009 15:58 - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 612

You deserved it 3 141

By IvyLeague? - 15/01/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 811

You deserved it 10 288

By birdfoooo - 29/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 007

You deserved it 55 041

By Anonymous - 08/11/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 199

You deserved it 3 510

By signupsheetfail - 12/08/2009 19:02 - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 791

You deserved it 41 580

Empty gestures

By Anonymous - 16/07/2020 02:01

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 110

By hometown blues - 26/06/2019 20:30

Today, I’d been dying to escape my dreary hometown, but had panic attacks at the thought of being on my own, but at last, I'd found a place I could afford. Turns out, the guy I was going to rent from was just arrested for murdering his last tenant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 179

You deserved it 316

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

chickchick_fml 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:00

Okay, but did she say it was a prisoner?

lyndis_fml 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:46

You moron, do you honestly believe your mother is the only employee of the prison? Yeah. Other people work there too. Unless you're saying there's something wrong with prison employees (which includes your own mother), you're a fucking dumbass.

Jimboom 11

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:40

Say hello to your new father... You can call him daddy. ;)

neonokku 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:48

Now that's what I call fucked!

Horde 8

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:37

You don't think she's the only non-prisoner in that prison, right?

did_it_4_lulz 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:08

Or "new other" mommy.

Metzler31 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 6 April 2010 4:24

haha thats what I thought!!! somebodys a lesbo?

betamaxjim92 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:40

oh damn a serial murderer or a rapist...whats the worst that could happen?

loganm22 0

Send a private message

Sunday 13 June 2010 16:21

it's probally somebody that works there too.

theanonymoose 3

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:53

Don't drop the soap!

chickchick_fml 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:00

Okay, but did she say it was a prisoner?

leoofbodom 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:11

FAIL

KayBeeFFFixed 5

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:26

I agree with

lyndis_fml 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:46

Starfire22 5

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:15

It's actually pretty likley that her love interest was an inmate because the ops mom said that the reason she quit her job and divorced the ops dad is because she met someone at her job. You wouldn't have to quit your job in a prison if your dating an employee but if it's an inmate you would. Unless it was someone you are in charge of but it doesn't seem as if the ops mom was incharge of anyone.

Darthbane2007 17

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:17

She still could have met a fellow employee, quit her job and divorced the dad...

kukopia 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 16:15

Another FML w/o enough info to merit a vote. Why would she quit being a prison councelor if she was hooking up with an inmate? That'd probably mean she would see him(?) less. She probably quit thinking she'd get more alimony in the divorce. I hope that comes back to bite her in the ass.

teach09 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 16:27

to #13 some employers do not allow coworkers to date...

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:03

I hear rape happens a lot in prison and that most guys won't give you the courtesy of a reach-around.

chickchick_fml 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:12

I bet you could suck a golfball through a garden hose! :/ lol

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:33

"Five-one? I didn't know they stacked s**t that high."

Xader 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 18:43

I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you...

sadistmonkey 19

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 19:06

Lean forward! Now choke yourself!

faxe 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 25 November 2009 14:34

I wouldn't trust her if I were you, are you sure she is even telling you the truth about your real dad? I mean a counsellor leaving for some guy in a prison, sounds like a very smart person.