Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML
Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was leaving me for another man. Devastated, I asked what he had that I didn't. Apparently, "a big penis and a stable job" mean more to her than two years of love and dedication. FML
Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend that she's too good for me, then asking if she really wants to settle for someone like me. FML
Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend about a huge fight I had with my female best friend. This friend no longer wants anything to do with me, and I was obviously upset about it. Instead of being supportive, all my girlfriend said was, "Well maybe now you'll shut the fuck up about her for once." FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML
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Top comments
Swift4Life 13
Sorry man. That really sucks & that's a terrible thing for your mom to say.
simplyblades 10
Girlfriends a bitch. Better before than if you got married.
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Comments (78)
MrTaco0007 3
Thats nasty1 . And if thats all she cared about then ur better off without her
cottoncandymango 17
Your girlfriend is just a thirsty bitch. You are better off without her sorry ass.
MisterEx 28
And that's where OP told his ex gf: if you didn't kill all the nerves by shoving trees down there and play like an obsessed rabbit maybe your hoohaa wouldn't be like an endless cave with a flying dinosaur's wings around it
japtap81 16
That's hilarious
shaww 28
Did she care?
botanistjessica 24
Obviously ******* not.
crystalblue7511 6
Well did you ask?
KawaiiCupcake 14
I think that was just an excuse not reason at all! Even if it was I'm sorry OP :( she's a shallow bitch and not worth your time!
spartangrl 6
well if I was your mom I wouldn't want to talk about your penis either...
happylawyer 16
I do not need to know about my son's penis or sex life either, but if he needs to talk about it I willingly listen and try to make him feel better.
ballbearing 10
Exactly. My son is too young for this type of problem yet but I can't imagine I would want to hear about his penis woes.
Wizardo 34
Does this face look bothered?
lhazz11 23
At least your friend cares about you enough to tell you!
worldclassrager 41
How did your friend know? But anyway...your sex isn't good enough for her then she's not good enough for you...