Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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Boozehound alert

Tense

Risky business

By fuckinghicks - 30/12/2013 23:48 - United States

Today, while going on a jog through the countryside, I discovered that it is actually possible outside of crappy TV shows to have a rifle leveled at you, and to be shouted at to, "Get off my land." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 20:04

Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML

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By B - 18/12/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

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By bleh - 23/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

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By poongoon - 13/7/2016 04:11

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

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By momaaa1342 - 21/10/2013 03:51 - United States - Elmwood

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

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By Toooldforthisshit - 9/12/2018 11:30 - United States - New London

Today, I found out the girl my boyfriend was seeing just before me, is pregnant... FML

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By LOTRfail - 27/7/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 16:16 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2015 17:56 - United States

Today, I'm sick with a stomach flu. For the last 5 hours, I've been going back and forth from the couch to the bathroom. Each time I get into the bathroom, I have to make a choice of whether to sit on the toilet or kneel by it. Each time I have to clean up the other mess. FML

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By NeverDrinkingAgain - 9/12/2010 12:31 - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

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By limegreengiraffe - 1/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

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By T___T - 12/9/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 14:22 - United States

Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML

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By seriously_CAT - 21/10/2015 02:26

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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By ThatsNotRight - 31/1/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By miiiiilk - 5/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By Gore - 18/6/2019 21:13 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

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By Morgan Jones - 18/6/2019 20:08

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

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By captainlame - 21/3/2013 05:59 - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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By foreveralone - 24/9/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

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By Anon - 23/6/2014 23:13 - United States - Denton

Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML

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By "BunnysKitty" - 10/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Columbia City

Today, I wanted to pack my lunch with some of my homemade meatloaf leftover from last night's dinner, but I couldn't find it anywhere in my fridge. Later in the evening, my boyfriend's parents invited us over for dinner. They served meatloaf. The meatloaf they stole from my fridge last night when they visited. FML

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By streeted - 18/9/2010 14:27 - United States

Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

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By dole_out_the_fml - 20/5/2009 17:36 - Canada

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - 13/4/2015 02:51 - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

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By Tcake - 19/5/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I was drying off with a towel after coming in from outside. I noticed that the bathroom smelled like cat pee, so I sniffed all around to find out where my cat peed. Turns out, he peed on the towel that I was drying myself off with. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

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By eirbear - 14/9/2018 18:30

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

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By HBCRUISER - 18/9/2018 12:00

Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

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By Bad Artist - 7/5/2014 14:55 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link to a "horrible" tattoo that he found online, that a guy had gotten at my tattoo parlor. FML

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By ballnchain - 30/3/2010 16:04 - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2010 00:08 - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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Top comments

By mrda | 0

#624505 - Saturday 17 October 2009 17:20

Problem: Mistress
Solution: Run over the mistress.
Problem: Solved

By Jewelofagal | 2

#624493 - Saturday 17 October 2009 17:05

Your response: "I'm not going to alter my living arrangements on the fly so it will be more convenient for you and your mistress to set up your love nest ASAP. It will take some time. You will need to be patient and remember that you're supposed to be my father and look out for my well-being. "

COMMENTS

By type1 | 3

#624382 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:35

That sucks ..

Reply

FarSide | 22

#624573 - Saturday 17 October 2009 18:21

LOL. New Jersey! ROFLMAO!

Like no place else.

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#624627 - Saturday 17 October 2009 19:02

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdmWEkk2wtM

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#893441 - Friday 26 February 2010 7:39

that's aliterate to absorb In one day. something similar happened to me except he excpected me to care about him. I don't give a tiny rat fuck about him. burn in hell Scott.

By misslizzeh | 0

#624385 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:35

sounds like my parents. sorry dude.

Reply

Michael_92 | 20

#3866046 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 14:02

So you ever find that apartment?

By Turnip_Girl | 0

#624388 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:36

Sorry about your parents. In more ways than one.

By mrlucky4444 | 0

#624390 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:37

what a wonderful dad u have

By xxcrazybestiexx | 0

#624403 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:46

That one bad Conversation to have on the phone....,
Sorry about ur parents, really fucked up.
FYL

By rick_james_b17ch | 0

#624411 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:51

Your dads gonna buy u an apartment? That's awesome.

Reply

Star9919 | 0

#624436 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:07

He's not going to buy him/her an apartment, genius. His/her father is kicking them out, and their mother.

I'm so sorry! Best of luck with your situation! I'd go tell him off if I were you.
:) Good luck

Reply

rick_james_b17ch | 0

#625151 - Sunday 18 October 2009 2:59

Thank you for clearing that up, and thank you for wishing me good luck, good luck to you too.

By misspeg | 0

#624414 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:55

sorry 2 hear that. going through parents divorce is tough. on top of that u gotta deal with ur selfish dad and his new life too. FYL

By Peroxide | 3

#624423 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:00

What's with the exactly midnight? Did your car also turn into a pumkin and you had to go work for your asshole sisters with 1 shoe missing?

Oh and if you're looking for a new apartment I hear that woman living in a shoe has a spare room.

By Dazzling_African | 0

#624424 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:00

I'm not gonna say sorry to you... D<
Just...FYL.
Have fun. :]

By caancoha | 0

#624441 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:12

Peroxide.. lol. Thanks. Great start to my day. <: