Miscellaneous: Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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Vulture

Mystery

No end in sight

By carpusher - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortland

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

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By Miserableperson

Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML

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By Anonymous

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By bleeding - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 08:01

Squatters' rights

Today, I had the best date I've had in my life, until after we ate and split an expensive dinner out, we came back to my place and she then told me she was homeless, and wasn't looking to date but for a couch to crash on. She won't leave. Happy fucking New Year. FML

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By fisted - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was out for a walk, wearing a T-shirt with a fist on it and the words "Bump it." A guy came up to me, looked at my shirt, shrugged, and punched me in the stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By crankg - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By Hackmanjones - Canada

Today, I was volunteering at a zoo event for special needs kids. My job was to dress up in a kangaroo costume and greet the kids. One kid came up and said "You're not real!" and kicked me in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

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By minac11 - United States - Brooklyn

I am sorry!

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

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By lingling - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

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By Dummy

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

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By fmlifer - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By 12MONTHLEASE - United States

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML

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By

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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By explanations - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

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By Not Amish FFS

Today, my boyfriend and I had a fight about his parents. We're both 23-year-old university students who aren't allowed in his bedroom unless the door is completely open. Nothing he says to his parents will change this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

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By ai_lauren - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

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By easily amused - United States

Today, I discovered my 10 month old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML

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By Alex - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By SunBed

Soaked

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

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By ihateguys - United States - San Francisco

Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML

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By OhNo. - United States

Today, I had a job interview, but I arrived kind of late. I was in so much of a hurry that I hit a woman walking by in the face with the door. I offered to drive her to the hospital. Turns out that she was going to be interviewing me. She didn't offer to reschedule. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a cute, new guy I always run into at work hit on me. Turns out he's only 18. I'm old enough to be his mom. FML

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By unmarried - Canada - Weston

Today, my fiancé received his divorce papers. Thanks to his procrastinating, his divorce is effective May 29th. We're supposed to get married on May 28th. FML

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By Violet - United States - Exeter

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to get a shirt saying "I'm a girl," just so people won't think he's gay. FML

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By liberatedwoman - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

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By OL2R - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

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By somebody - United States

Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

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By d.stack - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

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Top comments

By mrda | 0

#624505 - Saturday 17 October 2009 17:20

Problem: Mistress
Solution: Run over the mistress.
Problem: Solved

By Jewelofagal | 2

#624493 - Saturday 17 October 2009 17:05

Your response: "I'm not going to alter my living arrangements on the fly so it will be more convenient for you and your mistress to set up your love nest ASAP. It will take some time. You will need to be patient and remember that you're supposed to be my father and look out for my well-being. "

COMMENTS

By type1 | 3

#624382 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:35

That sucks ..

Reply

FarSide | 22

#624573 - Saturday 17 October 2009 18:21

LOL. New Jersey! ROFLMAO!

Like no place else.

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#624627 - Saturday 17 October 2009 19:02

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdmWEkk2wtM

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#893441 - Friday 26 February 2010 7:39

that's aliterate to absorb In one day. something similar happened to me except he excpected me to care about him. I don't give a tiny rat fuck about him. burn in hell Scott.

By misslizzeh | 0

#624385 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:35

sounds like my parents. sorry dude.

Reply

Michael_92 | 20

#3866046 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 14:02

So you ever find that apartment?

By Turnip_Girl | 0

#624388 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:36

Sorry about your parents. In more ways than one.

By mrlucky4444 | 0

#624390 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:37

what a wonderful dad u have

By xxcrazybestiexx | 0

#624403 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:46

That one bad Conversation to have on the phone....,
Sorry about ur parents, really fucked up.
FYL

By rick_james_b17ch | 0

#624411 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:51

Your dads gonna buy u an apartment? That's awesome.

Reply

Star9919 | 0

#624436 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:07

He's not going to buy him/her an apartment, genius. His/her father is kicking them out, and their mother.

I'm so sorry! Best of luck with your situation! I'd go tell him off if I were you.
:) Good luck

Reply

rick_james_b17ch | 0

#625151 - Sunday 18 October 2009 2:59

Thank you for clearing that up, and thank you for wishing me good luck, good luck to you too.

By misspeg | 0

#624414 - Saturday 17 October 2009 15:55

sorry 2 hear that. going through parents divorce is tough. on top of that u gotta deal with ur selfish dad and his new life too. FYL

By Peroxide | 3

#624423 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:00

What's with the exactly midnight? Did your car also turn into a pumkin and you had to go work for your asshole sisters with 1 shoe missing?

Oh and if you're looking for a new apartment I hear that woman living in a shoe has a spare room.

By Dazzling_African | 0

#624424 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:00

I'm not gonna say sorry to you... D<
Just...FYL.
Have fun. :]

By caancoha | 0

#624441 - Saturday 17 October 2009 16:12

Peroxide.. lol. Thanks. Great start to my day. <: