Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In...

By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 20:34 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Long story short

By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML

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By Loser - 17/3/2010 04:41 - Canada

Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML

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By Burny - 12/10/2017 16:00

Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 00:00 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 19:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

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By Heartbroken - 20/1/2009 15:16 - Australia

Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole that dumped me last week. FML

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By Chase - 15/5/2017 18:00

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

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By Reena - 19/8/2011 06:38 - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

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By Larentiah - 26/2/2012 22:18 - United States

Today, I realized how bad my feelings of inadequacy compared to other women and jealousy are when I started thumbing down songs on Pandora simply because the cover art had a better looking woman than me on it. FML

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By FellingShitty - 5/10/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

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By so_this_is_me - 13/8/2015 17:12 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my love life is so pathetic that when I got a sample of cologne in the mail, I kept sniffing it just to remind myself what a guy smells like. FML

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By fmmmmlll - 12/6/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

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By gnownayrgnow - 8/5/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By cfaul001 - 29/2/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

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By Cleanfreak? - 25/6/2017 00:00 - Denmark - ?lborg

Funky

Today, I got into an argument, followed by the silent treatment from my boyfriend, because I told him that he should change his underwear daily. FML

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By onlyme123 - 27/6/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - 8/12/2016 01:22 - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By single - 15/12/2017 10:00 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend got paid by the richest guy in our school to go to the Winter Formal with him. She took up the offer. FML

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By chewybarseventy - 24/8/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By sick in Vegas - 7/1/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that when an officer screams, "DON'T MOVE OR I'LL TASE YOU", it really means, "If you so much as flinch I'm going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin." FML

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By rattledwife666 - 21/1/2017 14:00

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/6/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 16:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, while working as a carhop at Sonic, my roller skates ran over some gravel and I fell, causing me to drop a tray of food. I found out later that one of the customers had deliberately done that to see if I would trip. FML

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By observant - 15/5/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

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By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By RustyBulletHole - 4/2/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes - 29/8/2018 01:30

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By WTF - 1/6/2013 04:03 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By a very unlucky dude. - 18/6/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

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By will - 14/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

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By Walker - 4/11/2009 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

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By Nick - 20/3/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

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By caitplaysguitar - 9/2/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

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Top comments

By DrAwesome | 6

#1607586 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 0:08

To tell the tooth, the dentist should probably brush up on proper procedure, since he should have known the anesthesia would wear off. He should definitely know the drill by now.

By Fortuitous | 0

#1607584 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 0:08

Did you fall asleep? If so: when you woke up, did your bra feel out of place?

COMMENTS

By Fortuitous | 0

#1607584 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 0:08

Did you fall asleep? If so: when you woke up, did your bra feel out of place?

Haterman123 | 0

#1607766 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:20

lol win

otheblodygoresux | 0

#1607800 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:28

Haha now that's funny!

Air_Force001 | 0

#1607965 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 2:11

lol WTF

Karma495 | 0

#1608092 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 2:52

what if it was a guy?!?

Fortuitous | 0

#1608101 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 2:53

It says that OP is a woman.

RedPillSucks | 31

#1608459 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 4:38

If it was a guy then the bra would be out of place.

TylerOMFG | 7

#2496477 - Thursday 12 May 2011 3:57

lol you win sir! ^^

By DrAwesome | 6

#1607586 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 0:08

To tell the tooth, the dentist should probably brush up on proper procedure, since he should have known the anesthesia would wear off. He should definitely know the drill by now.

pronounciations | 5

#1607605 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 0:11

I'm at a floss for words

Tasanasanta | 0

#1607650 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 0:30

Oh my god that is a horrible pun... God is crying tears of pain and sorrow right now. Ragnarok is nearly upon us now....

DocBastard | 38

#1607820 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:33

This comment had no bite, and it made no impression on me. I would definitely not ask for maw.

Go ahead- try to flame me. I'll come and denture car.

DrAwesome | 6

#1607843 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:42

There's a cavity in your logic, my good sir. I don't have a car.

Siji | 0

#1607911 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:58

I lol'd at this conversation. Thank you people for the laugh :)

OLDSKLCHEVY | 1

#1608249 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 3:45

ha ha ha

jellybeans4833 | 7

#1609603 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 8:01

what's a pun?! .. never got what they were -.-

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#1609671 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 8:27

I found all of these puns quite funny, keep up the good work DrAwesome, always a pleasure to read your comments.

Hayman68 | 4

#1611100 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:47

Since the doc operated on OP without her having anesthesia, OP can probably sue for malpractice

stolencrackers | 1

#1611379 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:54

They can't be sued for malpractice. They completed the job, it was just painful but unless he damaged her gums or other teeth, there's nothing illegal with what he did minus be a little forgetful.