Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee....

By Anonymous

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Persona non grata

Phantom pooper

By HedgehogFace

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

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2811

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By Ugh... - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

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By PizzaPants - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

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19606

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

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By why? - 17/8/2020 14:02

No imagination

Today, I found out from my first cousin whose teenage daughter is pregnant that she has chosen to name her child after mine. I would be okay with this, if it weren’t the same first name, and if they weren’t just a couple of years apart. FML

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948

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By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

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By unwanted - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I missed my dentist appointment. I couldn't attend, because I was too busy puking my guts up due to a bad reaction to the pain medication I'm taking for my toothache. FML

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25369

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By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/5/2020 02:00

Late arrival

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

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By wat - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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47576

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By married to a nerd

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

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1767

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

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41171

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By Anonymous - Canada - Midland

Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, internet dating. FML

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58765

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home with tears in his eyes. I ran and asked him why he was crying. He said he wasn't, but he finally admitting to talking to a woman in a bar who, when she noticed his wedding ring, sprayed him with mace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2182

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By gottalovefriends - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33830

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By Numnum - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

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10625

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57210

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By Moanie - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

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79176

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By frenchie12

Get back here!

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1952

You deserved it

447

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By jobless1

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

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27434

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By finalfantasy - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

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3722

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242

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By moshgra

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

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By Dear Lord Save Me - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

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35077

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By Anon E. Mouse - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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27870

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By Fartfail - Hong Kong - Corozal

Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML

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By Michael D. - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

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14774

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By foreveralone - New Zealand - Torbay

Today, I was finally asked out on a date after a year of being single. Turns out he got the wrong number. FML

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48868

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By WhatJustHappened - 9/10/2020 14:02 - United States

Some people just never learn

Today, as a millennial, I had to explain to a baby boomer why he needs to use condoms when having sex with his 25-year-old girlfriend. FML

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1093

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By bananagurl4242 - United States

Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML

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36050

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By monster in law. - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

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36163

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By sharibaby - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

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46757

You deserved it

3973

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By Lo_Bolian - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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56547

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By wherermypants - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

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8403

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By BabyButt - United States - Honolulu

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML

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25587

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

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16026

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By rainastartree - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

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46933

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By CheesyCasey - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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37753

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5906

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By AllThatJazz - United States

Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52926

You deserved it

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By tantanpanda - United States

Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML

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31366

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1929

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By Stargirl - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

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5931

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By ohmy - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

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Top comments

By PhantomCrevan | 8

#7567393 - Thursday 23 November 2017 20:31

... at least they waited until after the wedding, so you didn't have to deal with the awkward explanation that people would have wanted? Plus you didn't have to say your vows worrying about if you would be stepping siblings in a few years.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7574377 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 19:29

At least they're happy. I don't see any problems with it aside from the obvious one that really doesn't make you related by blood.

COMMENTS

By PhantomCrevan | 8

#7567393 - Thursday 23 November 2017 20:31

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7574377 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 19:29

At least they're happy. I don't see any problems with it aside from the obvious one that really doesn't make you related by blood.

By joeyl2008 | 29

#7574393 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 20:03

So?

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7574493 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 23:40

You shouldn't be married to your sister, which he might be pretty soon.

By exileonmainst | 16

#7574395 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 20:05

If only you’d met your father for tea! Then everything would’ve been different.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7574488 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 23:29

omg how are you going to explain this to the kids

Joshwarrior | 38

#7574501 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 0:19

Tell the truth (: seems simple

By sharond23 | 10

#7574509 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 1:13

I don't get why this is a problem. don't you want your father to be happy?

Conner Dalbeck | 15

#7576064 - Saturday 16 December 2017 18:55

it's not that OP doesn't want their father to be happy, it's that if they get married OPs wife or husband will be their brother or sister

By RichardPencil | 28

#7574515 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 1:27

You need to hope they stay together! This trims your Christmas list and slices your number of obligatory parental visits in half!

You need to be for your dad if only for the sake of the sheer efficiency!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7574533 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 2:17

You're right, this is a FML moment. Your father doesn't deserve to find someone he likes.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7574557 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 5:36

And thus, a reality-TV show is born!

By Seymore Collins | 7

#7574610 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 11:07

That makes you and your wife, step-sister/brother. Every porno I've seen speaks of this myth.... LOL