Intimacy: Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother.... - FML

By imsorrytimmy - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By malos - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

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By HDCkid - United States

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

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By wasntme - Netherlands

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

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By Slash - United States

Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By Oily - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

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By YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THE CUSTOMER - United States - Sherwood

Today, at work, a woman came up to the snack bar and ordered a pretzel with no salt. When I served her the food, she angrily complained about it having no salt, followed by her throwing the whole thing in my face. FML

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By Domo731 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Dan1021 - France

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By banana2894 - United States - Eugene

Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML

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By Tommy - United States

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

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By halebop - United States

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

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By CB4 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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By John_Elvis - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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By Mariah Barnes - 24/7/2020 08:01

The bird

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By froyo - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

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By taylor_eileen - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

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By ledon - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

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By reddd - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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By why me - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By Galaxy-eyes photon human - 4/6/2020 02:00

Misery

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. The worst part is I’m currently stuck in his house and can’t even deal with a fight right now. Why? Because I just had surgery this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

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By ohIlike - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, 'liking' the break up. FML

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

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By secretdoll - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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By monsterinlaw - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

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By higagram - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By GreatParenting - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

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By Thescarlettfox

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

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By out of the closet - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

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By potheadloljk - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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By Anonymous

After shower

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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Top comments

By hotpinklovee | 0

#77501 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:10

I just don't get why you would be talking to your 9 year old brother on MSN. I think that's the real FML out of that situation.

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#77473 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:03

Eh, don't worry, everybody gets that talk sooner or later. My dad taught me when I was 8, so no worry.

COMMENTS

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#77473 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:03

Eh, don't worry, everybody gets that talk sooner or later. My dad taught me when I was 8, so no worry.

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#853650 - Sunday 14 February 2010 3:45

he showed you how to give a blowjob?

oh op.. did ur bro use ur tips?

Reply

depotst | 0

#976876 - Friday 9 April 2010 16:50

I wonder what was said exactly.. interesting,

Reply

1221jamw | 11

#984920 - Monday 26 April 2010 2:58

8 is a little young....

Reply

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1308684 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:27

"Sally told me about tootsie pops and stuff today!"

Reply

nateypooo | 0

#1368671 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 8:35

ahahahahahaa it's ok Ive done it too

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1455892 - Saturday 25 September 2010 7:06

poor Timmy:(

Reply

chenny2013 | 10

#3344670 - Sunday 25 September 2011 18:03

Ur dad taught you how to give a blowjob?! WTF???!!!!

Reply

unicornpower56 | 7

#5083786 - Friday 26 October 2012 10:35

I learned what sex is by myself when I was 7, don't even know how. And learned what a blow job is at 10.... Dafuq is wrong with me

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6184718 - Tuesday 27 January 2015 7:15

Don't know...but it's definitely nothing to be proud of!

By effevery1slife | 0

#77477 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:04

chipmunk... ur dad taught u how to give good oral at age 8?

Reply

rockindyl22 | 0

#2831552 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 18:19

Comment Moderated

By esushi | 0

#77492 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:07

#2- I think it was an attempt at humor.

By lovely_189 | 0

#77499 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:09

youze a hoe fo sho

By Jasper_fml | 0

#77500 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:09

ew.
dude, you're a creep.

Reply

Epickitty58 | 29

#6279254 - Saturday 2 May 2015 3:57

People make mistakes. I'm such a klutz I could've done the same thing. Don't act like you're perfect.

By hotpinklovee | 0

#77501 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:10

I just don't get why you would be talking to your 9 year old brother on MSN. I think that's the real FML out of that situation.

Reply

TapeMan_3000 | 0

#884078 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 3:58

^^ this. kids these days hahaha.

Reply

burningmatch | 3

#5307064 - Thursday 3 January 2013 15:37

Ever occurred to you they might live in different cities? Maybe the girl is studying away? Not everybody on the internet is a 12-year-old living with their families, you know?

Reply

Dawminator | 16

#6030093 - Thursday 7 August 2014 9:34

...

By 5ive | 0

#77509 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:11

LOL. & how do you know this

By Amkii | 0

#77511 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:11

LMFAO.

By blland | 0

#77516 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:13

#6 - examples include "i'm at college" "i'm in england" and/or "i'm hospitalized".

and any other reasons why a brother isn't necessarily just next door.

By MrRecon72 | 0

#77518 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:13

#1, you learned how to give a blowjob @ 8 years old... from your DAD?