Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother.... - FML

By imsorrytimmy - 2/4/2009 15:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

Assumptions

By TrailerTrash - 20/3/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

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By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - 26/5/2012 11:06 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By thanksmom - 20/7/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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By notsexy - 9/5/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By lance - 12/3/2010 12:10 - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 11:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By daddy's girl - 22/1/2013 04:08 - United States - Springfield

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

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By thanksma - 29/1/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By Ann - 18/3/2013 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

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By DanTheMan - 21/10/2014 02:29

Today, my sister ended her long and extremely annoying crush on Justin Bieber. I can only hope one day my girlfriend will end hers too. FML

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By jordan.marie97 - 9/8/2015 06:27 - Australia

Today, my parents told me they were getting divorced, at the beginning of a family road trip, adding that this'll be the last thing we ever do as a family. FML

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By Charlie - 8/9/2009 10:46 - Australia

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

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By mah - 16/1/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, while getting gas, a hottie pulled-up to the pump next to me. I finished filling my tank and started to drive away. As I was checking her out and paying no attention to my driving, I ended up taking the front bumper off her car with my truck. FML

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By SariLone - 19/5/2013 18:02 - India - Mumbai

Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML

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By Stella Grubner - 16/3/2010 06:42

Today, I chose a cute tank top and some shorts to wear. Later, I was shopping at Target with my dad when he pointed to a girl in the same isle and said to me, "Don't ever dress like that. It looks cute on her, but you couldn't pull it off." She was wearing shorts and a tank top. FML

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By JefferyT - 3/6/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML

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By Carmen - 11/4/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

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By Asterisk1009 - 29/6/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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By Stressed Seamstress - 16/11/2017 00:00 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML

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By callerid - 3/8/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By you - 30/10/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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By Planes, Trains and Automobiles - 15/6/2017 16:00

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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By offended - 14/6/2012 08:11 - United States - East Hampton

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

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By Carmen - 26/2/2011 13:57 - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By littlelia - 15/9/2019 14:00

Mirror, mirror…

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 16:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

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By JoshTheUnluckyFromKentucky - 14/11/2014 00:21 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2012 11:02 - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By female - 31/12/2019 20:00

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

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By unlucky - 27/10/2011 08:06 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML

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By Cherie - 7/12/2010 18:25 - United States

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

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By LT - 7/8/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML

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By Catherine - 10/6/2012 18:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By WiltedFlower - 31/7/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

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By bluefrisky - 29/9/2012 07:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, we had movers come in to take all of our stuff as the final step to our move to the States. We have our flight scheduled for tomorrow evening. Thing is, they accidentally took my carry-on bag without my knowledge. In that carry-on there was a little something called a passport. FML

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By anonymous - 27/6/2015 17:40 - United States

Today, my mom said that if I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't even like me. FML

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By LordCrafte - 15/5/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By Ouch - 29/7/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I look better in different kinds of light. I asked him which kind of light I looked best in. His reply? "No light at all." FML

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Top comments

By hotpinklovee | 0

#77501 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:10

I just don't get why you would be talking to your 9 year old brother on MSN. I think that's the real FML out of that situation.

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#77473 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:03

Eh, don't worry, everybody gets that talk sooner or later. My dad taught me when I was 8, so no worry.

Comments

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#77473 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:03

Eh, don't worry, everybody gets that talk sooner or later. My dad taught me when I was 8, so no worry.

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#853650 - Sunday 14 February 2010 3:45

he showed you how to give a blowjob?

oh op.. did ur bro use ur tips?

Reply

depotst | 0

#976876 - Friday 9 April 2010 16:50

I wonder what was said exactly.. interesting,

Reply

1221jamw | 11

#984920 - Monday 26 April 2010 2:58

8 is a little young....

Reply

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1308684 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:27

"Sally told me about tootsie pops and stuff today!"

Reply

nateypooo | 0

#1368671 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 8:35

ahahahahahaa it's ok Ive done it too

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1455892 - Saturday 25 September 2010 7:06

poor Timmy:(

Reply

chenny2013 | 10

#3344670 - Sunday 25 September 2011 18:03

Ur dad taught you how to give a blowjob?! WTF???!!!!

Reply

unicornpower56 | 7

#5083786 - Friday 26 October 2012 10:35

I learned what sex is by myself when I was 7, don't even know how. And learned what a blow job is at 10.... Dafuq is wrong with me

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6184718 - Tuesday 27 January 2015 7:15

Don't know...but it's definitely nothing to be proud of!

By effevery1slife | 0

#77477 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:04

chipmunk... ur dad taught u how to give good oral at age 8?

Reply

rockindyl22 | 0

#2831552 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 18:19

Comment Moderated

By esushi | 0

#77492 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:07

#2- I think it was an attempt at humor.

By lovely_189 | 0

#77499 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:09

youze a hoe fo sho

By Jasper_fml | 0

#77500 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:09

ew.
dude, you're a creep.

Reply

Epickitty58 | 29

#6279254 - Saturday 2 May 2015 3:57

People make mistakes. I'm such a klutz I could've done the same thing. Don't act like you're perfect.

By hotpinklovee | 0

#77501 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:10

I just don't get why you would be talking to your 9 year old brother on MSN. I think that's the real FML out of that situation.

Reply

TapeMan_3000 | 0

#884078 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 3:58

^^ this. kids these days hahaha.

Reply

burningmatch | 3

#5307064 - Thursday 3 January 2013 15:37

Ever occurred to you they might live in different cities? Maybe the girl is studying away? Not everybody on the internet is a 12-year-old living with their families, you know?

Reply

Dawminator | 16

#6030093 - Thursday 7 August 2014 9:34

...

By 5ive | 0

#77509 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:11

LOL. & how do you know this

By Amkii | 0

#77511 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:11

LMFAO.

By blland | 0

#77516 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:13

#6 - examples include "i'm at college" "i'm in england" and/or "i'm hospitalized".

and any other reasons why a brother isn't necessarily just next door.

By MrRecon72 | 0

#77518 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:13

#1, you learned how to give a blowjob @ 8 years old... from your DAD?