Transportation: Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

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Transportation

Proactive

Dad of the year

TMI

By olyswimmer - United States

Today, my car got a wheel lock because I had 5 tickets. Three of those tickets dated back to 2006. I got my car and license in 2008. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 17:00

Money hole

Today, my uncle kept his promise and left me his holiday house in his will. What he didn’t tell me was it’s been unmaintained for 14 years and is unfit for human habitation, has 2 mortgages, and now it and all its issues are now mine. Old, dead bastard. FML

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By bossproblems - United States - Orlando

Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their cell phones on them. They are pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML

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By pk24 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By pridekills - United States - Mulberry

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

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By Home sick

Today, I was called fat by my boyfriend's old-fashioned mom. I'm not close to fat but I'm not really skinny either so she calls me fat. She also complained that my feet makes noise when I walk and that girls shouldn't make noise when walking. This week has been hell. FML

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By theotherotherguy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

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By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

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By noboyfriend - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was greeting customers at work. After saying good morning to one man, he stopped and looked at me from head to toe before smirking and saying, "Mmmm." He then turned around and said, "It's starting." It's only my first day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML

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By .__. - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML

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By weldingmachine217 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By Oxnar60 - United States - Harwich

Today, I left my phone at work. After returning to the office to retrieve it, I noticed it was not on my desk as it usually is. I went to the front office and found it on the desk, unattended. When turning on my phone, I was greeted by my new lockscreen: a crap someone took in the bathroom. FML

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By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

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700

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

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By fmlgrl - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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By Thanks everyone - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FML

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By toughlove - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he had feelings for someone else. He also told me he wanted to continue dating me until things progressed further with the other woman. FML

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By CelibateHero - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

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By guessimdead - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

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By Shelling Ford - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By INeedaNewJob - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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By creeper-status - United States - Irvine

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

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By abby181 - United States

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

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By tanksfan - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than 2 years, I decided to quit. I come home from work and I see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

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By air - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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By mjayne17 - Canada

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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Top comments

By Vintage_fml | 0

#205733 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

ROFL double penetration

By 24788 | 6

#205720 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:09

Lol, I wonder the odds of that happening.

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#205720 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:09

Lol, I wonder the odds of that happening.

alyssadapsycho | 7

#921846 - Sunday 7 March 2010 16:19

hahahahaha

00yoda4 | 0

#1035586 - Saturday 19 June 2010 4:26

they planed it it's a conspericy

lexielovesyou | 0

#1108932 - Monday 19 July 2010 11:25

that kinda...

sucks.

awkwardepicfail | 0

#1396282 - Monday 13 September 2010 5:06

this wouldn't have happened if you were in the kitchen OP... haha jk I can't even say that, I'm a woman. however I am in my kitchen. lol.

varutha | 16

#6033079 - Sunday 10 August 2014 15:51

The odds depend on where op was at that moment. When I have to go through a forest it happens quite frequently.

By penelope_fml | 2

#205731 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

Same thing happened to me a week ago, not kidding.

By Vintage_fml | 0

#205733 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

ROFL double penetration

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#966259 - Monday 22 March 2010 6:53

wow. that's all you got? a sex joke?

aksweetheart | 7

#4933096 - Friday 14 September 2012 21:59

I thought it was funny...

InfamousRaider | 15

#5551051 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 5:09

Indeed, quite funny hmmmm...

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#205736 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:20

Lol! Awe sowi! Bugs revenge! Hehehe

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#205751 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:27

#3 - Touché!

This FML improves the joke about difference between sad and happy biker (the one with bugs between his teeth is the happy one) in a way more hilarious way.