Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not...

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56830

You deserved it

8648

Favorite

Transportation

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

British Broadcasting Corporation

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56046

You deserved it

12787

Favorite

By Sad preggo - 24/1/2017 14:00

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7568

You deserved it

721

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40266

You deserved it

3367

Favorite

By wtf mom?! - 6/4/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2545

You deserved it

203

Favorite

By Lisa - 19/9/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26815

You deserved it

5672

Favorite

By Winxy - 29/4/2015 22:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29452

You deserved it

4347

Favorite

By holyshitsnacks - 18/3/2014 22:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37379

You deserved it

7784

Favorite

By Thomas - 21/12/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35446

You deserved it

2979

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/7/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31121

You deserved it

4703

Favorite

By spenmy - 13/6/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37177

You deserved it

3284

Favorite

By woman - 17/11/2012 08:45 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22612

You deserved it

7695

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50161

You deserved it

12786

Favorite

By anon - 8/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32251

You deserved it

5355

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19269

You deserved it

11875

Favorite

By Sadasian - 14/8/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, my mom and dad were arguing. It started getting really heated, so I tried to go break it up. But within a couple of minutes, my mom wanted to make a statement by throwing a plate to the ground, forgetting I was beside her. I now have a throbbing foot with shards of glass in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48005

You deserved it

4072

Favorite

By Snickers - 12/5/2012 04:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10220

You deserved it

53827

Favorite

By Dxxk Biter - 20/2/2018 06:00

Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I'm staying single for the next 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6964

You deserved it

657

Favorite

By ninaaaa - 24/2/2014 00:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my sister finished a project about something she hates. Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36676

You deserved it

3993

Favorite

By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

I agree, your life sucks

2953

You deserved it

316

Favorite

By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32509

You deserved it

3549

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/9/2017 04:30

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3281

You deserved it

198

Favorite

By hannieannie - 20/11/2019 01:00

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2781

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By ouch - 1/7/2015 13:35 - Canada - Saint Marys

Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30579

You deserved it

2740

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/4/2012 10:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29686

You deserved it

2846

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 01:54 - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23344

You deserved it

1450

Favorite

By oink401 - 5/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60766

You deserved it

4346

Favorite

By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31644

You deserved it

6055

Favorite

By spreadburger - 21/11/2014 00:29 - United States - Tampa

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36790

You deserved it

2815

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 05:00

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1679

You deserved it

362

Favorite

By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - 30/11/2012 19:29 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22070

You deserved it

5119

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21460

You deserved it

1773

Favorite

By aerythia - 8/12/2012 16:12 - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32524

You deserved it

5468

Favorite

By shadowednavi - 26/4/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, one of the guests I was in the middle of seating knocked an empty wine glass from the table. I assured them it was all right and kneeled down to pick up the now broken glass. The lady insisted on helping as far as picking the glass up and dumping the shards into my open hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49982

You deserved it

3829

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/8/2015 04:39 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26350

You deserved it

5682

Favorite

By WronglySad619 - 26/1/2011 10:31 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18866

You deserved it

28449

Favorite

By Fattypatty - 9/7/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25241

You deserved it

58128

Favorite

By Crystal_Nicole - 14/12/2013 05:05 - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41432

You deserved it

7003

Favorite

By jess - 8/4/2012 14:30 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and decided to make my mom a special Easter breakfast in bed. I pre-heated the oven to bake the sausage just the way she likes. Guess where my easter basket was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31650

You deserved it

6962

Favorite

By breakinphones - 20/2/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11599

You deserved it

81485

Favorite

By asdfas - 18/9/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10861

You deserved it

45897

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Vintage_fml | 0

#205733 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

ROFL double penetration

By 24788 | 6

#205720 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:09

Lol, I wonder the odds of that happening.

Comments

By 24788 | 6

#205720 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:09

Lol, I wonder the odds of that happening.

alyssadapsycho | 7

#921846 - Sunday 7 March 2010 16:19

hahahahaha

00yoda4 | 0

#1035586 - Saturday 19 June 2010 4:26

they planed it it's a conspericy

lexielovesyou | 0

#1108932 - Monday 19 July 2010 11:25

that kinda...

sucks.

awkwardepicfail | 0

#1396282 - Monday 13 September 2010 5:06

this wouldn't have happened if you were in the kitchen OP... haha jk I can't even say that, I'm a woman. however I am in my kitchen. lol.

varutha | 16

#6033079 - Sunday 10 August 2014 15:51

The odds depend on where op was at that moment. When I have to go through a forest it happens quite frequently.

By penelope_fml | 2

#205731 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

Same thing happened to me a week ago, not kidding.

By Vintage_fml | 0

#205733 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

ROFL double penetration

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#966259 - Monday 22 March 2010 6:53

wow. that's all you got? a sex joke?

aksweetheart | 7

#4933096 - Friday 14 September 2012 21:59

I thought it was funny...

InfamousRaider | 15

#5551051 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 5:09

Indeed, quite funny hmmmm...

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#205736 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:20

Lol! Awe sowi! Bugs revenge! Hehehe

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#205751 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:27

#3 - Touché!

This FML improves the joke about difference between sad and happy biker (the one with bugs between his teeth is the happy one) in a way more hilarious way.