Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when...

By CBBP - United States

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mixology

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 17:01 - Germany

Packaging

Today, I was cleaning up after my mom visited with her dogs. She'd left a little pill-jar on the kitchen counter. Had she forgotten her medicine? It made a weird, soft sound when I shaked it. I opened the lid to shake some pills into my hand, only it wasn't pills. It was two fat ticks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Iberia

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

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By chunkymonkey

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By whowhat - United States

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

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By super maman - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By sarahpft - United States

Today, my parents told me they wouldn't be able to afford my senior portraits. That was fine with me, until I found some expensive professional photos in the mail. Of our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I'm ignored and bored so much at my dream job that I've started bringing in my fanfiction to write when no one is around. Which is 80% of the day. I'm training to be a civil engineer. My experience writing fanfiction should take me really far in my chosen career. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Cat - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

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By Anonymous - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

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By katie876 - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

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By KaD - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was happy about finally having the time to pot up the $50 worth of reblooming iris's I bought. Until I went into the garage and couldn't find them. My husband cleaned up and threw them in the garbage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By cjay2200 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By clumsy - United States - Warrenton

Today, I realized why "Stay off the grass" signs were all over campus. I cut through the grass on my way to my next class and tripped over a sprinkler head, breaking it off and soaking myself in muddy water. I had to sit through a 4-hour lecture with wet, muddy clothes. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By cantunhear - United States - Fishkill

Today, my parents had a loud argument over who is worse in bed. FML

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By t

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

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By PunctureWound - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while surfing facebook I noticed someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to "single." We've been dating exclusively for nine months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

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By Hooker - United States

Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

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By lisa - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

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By bu09 - United States

Today, all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wearing any makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By badcomparison - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was at Bath and Body Works with a friend of mine. She wanted me to smell a particular lotion and when she brought it up to my nose, she squeezed the bottle and lotion went all over my face. Right after, a worker came by and commented how the lotion "got a little too excited". FML

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By SadFace - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By shakyhands - United States

Today, my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank. Now, the whole house smells of gas fumes and I'm about to pass out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By toonice - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

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Top comments

By lowercasename | 0

#73291 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:02

That's hilarious

At least you were having sex though, so I wouldn't fret it too much

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#73305 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:04

LoL. Was she hot? Cause you should get brownie points for porking a hottie when your friends think your gay.

COMMENTS

By lowercasename | 0

#73291 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:02

That's hilarious

At least you were having sex though, so I wouldn't fret it too much

luvmuffin10 | 0

#881275 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:55

At least you were having sex!!! I'll have it with you anytime!! I'd lick ur cock for days! I bet it tastes great!! I'll do ur roomates too!

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5845578 - Saturday 1 February 2014 11:32

Well hey, at least one of your friends believed in you.

By Inyourendo | 0

#73293 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:02

Haha, thats fuckin class

you deserved it, should have got laid earlier lol

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#73305 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:04

LoL. Was she hot? Cause you should get brownie points for porking a hottie when your friends think your gay.

By Edmund_Dantes | 0

#73309 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

So what? Why are you offended that someone thinks you're gay? It's not necessarily an insult, just an observation.

By sweet_addy | 0

#73311 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

hey man...atleast they know you can work it! but seriously what kind of friends do you have man?

thebeanishere | 8

#3330933 - Friday 23 September 2011 2:11

Friends with no faith

By kissothis | 6

#73313 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

that's fucked up.. how are they your friends if they didn't know you are straight?

By hpnerd | 0

#73314 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:06

I feel bad for the girl... getting walked in on is embarrassing. Especially when they say they thought the dude you're sleeping with was gay.

By hiyaa | 0

#73321 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:07

some people dig the 'gay type,' it mightve done you good and gotten you the girl

By iiteddy | 0

#73326 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:08

i agree with #6 tey arent yur friends

hayleyjames | 0

#1009460 - Thursday 27 May 2010 14:33

how are they not his friends because they weren't sure of his sexuality some people have a hunch that their friend might be gay but because that doesn't change anything they don't say anything are you special?

By yesmy_love | 0

#73329 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:09

dude.... you just got laid......... quit your bitching........ unless the chick was ugly, in which case i'd understand......... i mean, if you're gonna convert, she should at least LOOK like a woman.........