Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 616

31/03/2009 15:35

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 705

You deserved it 8 733

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Dementia or hate? You decide

Stubborn

27/09/2011 05:14

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 341

You deserved it 5 800

05/09/2016 08:17

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 779

You deserved it 11 488

16/11/2009 03:28

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 540

You deserved it 2 504

15/07/2018 19:00

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 991

You deserved it 240

27/12/2013 07:28

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 100

You deserved it 3 848

08/08/2013 20:20

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 869

You deserved it 5 027

10/09/2009 15:58

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 603

You deserved it 3 140

04/04/2014 14:17

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 247

You deserved it 4 514

29/08/2014 12:35

Today, my brother told my 3 year old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 702

You deserved it 4 188

11/12/2015 16:34

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 708

You deserved it 1 537

Simps gonna simp

By Anonymous - 02/02/2021 07:58

Today, I just found out that I was missing almost $500 from my debit card. Turns out my brother used my card to simp on a streamer. When I confronted him, he said, "But you would have simped on her either way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 107

11/09/2009 20:46

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 861

You deserved it 7 298

Roofing

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 11:01

Today, a tile slid off the roof and knocked me out as I was fetching my mail. Apparently, I lay there for a while with the wind blowing my dressing gown up, flashing my bare ass to the neighbourhood. People took pictures, but no one thought to check I was alive, not even my kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 93

12/11/2018 12:00

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 345

You deserved it 472

04/08/2015 07:33

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 680

You deserved it 6 693

25/03/2009 04:45

Today, a kid I coach on a regular basis was talking to me about what I did outside of work. After we were done with the conversation, she told me with a straight face that I need to get a life and get a boyfriend. She's 10. And she's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 881

You deserved it 9 928

01/07/2009 19:33

Spicy

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 400

You deserved it 7 191

04/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 3 776

17/08/2010 11:43

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 573

You deserved it 3 969

Creeped out

By shawty - 22/08/2010 12:14

Spicy

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 048

You deserved it 6 430

Just a prank, bro

By iscreamforicecream - 01/06/2011 11:53

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 369

You deserved it 5 729

03/11/2015 11:42

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 243

You deserved it 1 960

09/01/2013 19:57

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 557

You deserved it 7 746

02/02/2014 21:50

Spicy

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 765

You deserved it 11 563

01/02/2009 22:47

Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card saying "You made it to 36!". It's my 35th birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 945

You deserved it 2 440

24/02/2011 06:20

Today, I was looking at an old post between my ex and I on Facebook. Everything I was reading was adorable. Just as I was reminiscing about the great relationship we had, I look to the right of the screen to see the girl he cheated on me with in "People you may know". Thanks Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 443

You deserved it 8 178

05/03/2013 16:13

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 174

You deserved it 13 679

16/08/2009 04:33

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 403

You deserved it 3 144

22/02/2016 22:37

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 542

You deserved it 1 347

11/04/2011 09:39

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 439

You deserved it 12 199

01/06/2012 03:25

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 843

You deserved it 31 289

23/05/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 825

You deserved it 3 539

Sweet talker

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 13:47

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 244

You deserved it 12 866

27/09/2012 23:09

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend of a month has a new girlfriend. That girl is my cousin, the same one who's been listening to my tears fall as I've confided my feelings to her for the past few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 555

You deserved it 2 597

18/02/2013 07:44

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 214

You deserved it 4 581

30/01/2015 02:50

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 050

You deserved it 2 222

28/07/2014 22:09

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 675

You deserved it 7 787

27/08/2018 06:00

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 330

You deserved it 257

07/02/2010 00:09

Today, it dawned on me that the most romantic thing my husband has done in the last three years, was a put a wedding ring on his xbox avatar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 053

You deserved it 3 513

08/04/2014 07:56

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 691

You deserved it 6 966

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Top comments

lowercasename 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:02

That's hilarious At least you were having sex though, so I wouldn't fret it too much

Shadowflames420 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:04

LoL. Was she hot? Cause you should get brownie points for porking a hottie when your friends think your gay.

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lowercasename 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:02

That's hilarious At least you were having sex though, so I wouldn't fret it too much

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Monday 22 February 2010 5:55

At least you were having sex!!! I'll have it with you anytime!! I'd lick ur cock for days! I bet it tastes great!! I'll do ur roomates too!

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Saturday 1 February 2014 11:32

Well hey, at least one of your friends believed in you.

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:02

Haha, thats fuckin class you deserved it, should have got laid earlier lol

Shadowflames420 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:04

LoL. Was she hot? Cause you should get brownie points for porking a hottie when your friends think your gay.

Edmund_Dantes 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

So what? Why are you offended that someone thinks you're gay? It's not necessarily an insult, just an observation.

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

hey man...atleast they know you can work it! but seriously what kind of friends do you have man?

thebeanishere 8

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Friday 23 September 2011 2:11

Friends with no faith

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

that's fucked up.. how are they your friends if they didn't know you are straight?

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:06

I feel bad for the girl... getting walked in on is embarrassing. Especially when they say they thought the dude you're sleeping with was gay.

hiyaa 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:07

some people dig the 'gay type,' it mightve done you good and gotten you the girl

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:08

i agree with #6 tey arent yur friends

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Thursday 27 May 2010 14:33

how are they not his friends because they weren't sure of his sexuality some people have a hunch that their friend might be gay but because that doesn't change anything they don't say anything are you special?

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:09

dude.... you just got laid......... quit your bitching........ unless the chick was ugly, in which case i'd understand......... i mean, if you're gonna convert, she should at least LOOK like a woman.........