Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me "have...

By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 14:46 - United States

Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me "have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "you mean with other people?" FML

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Health

Proactive

Family values

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By justafriend - 28/5/2017 00:00

Today, I went to a bar with a close friend. She got drunk and was feeling sick, so I carried her to my car to take her to her house. Some stranger accused me of drugging her and tackled me with her in my arms. She threw up on me, and he took off running without an apology. FML

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By anonymous - 14/1/2012 11:42 - Australia

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML

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By anonmys - 18/7/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

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By yourmom - 16/6/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was using a public bathroom when a woman backs in, pulls down her pants, and sits on my lap. Needless to say she didn't even notice I was there until I hyperventilated. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my unemployed boyfriend to pick a town anywhere in the country that he thinks he can find work in. I offered to find myself a job there, find a flat, and pay for rent, bills, and food while he looks. He said I was selfish for wanting him to hurry up. It's been three years. FML

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By worst - 12/10/2009 08:23 - Philippines

Today, my mom said I was the worst of her 5 children. My IQ is 130, an honor student, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I'm the "worst" because I don't go to church every Sunday. FML

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By imsorrylove - 31/3/2010 04:44 - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

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By foreveralone - 21/3/2020 06:00

Spin on this

Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

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By puppylove - 5/5/2020 08:00

Zoning out

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By roidrager - 16/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

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By jeanrose2013 - 23/10/2012 22:12 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML

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By picklebug - 26/7/2013 16:25 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

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By andy1r - 7/10/2011 06:41 - Bolivia

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

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By nightowl506 - 21/11/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By atomwolf - 9/12/2016 17:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 22:00

Today, a few years after getting mugged inspired me to start hitting the gym and taking karate classes, I was mugged again, this time in front of my girlfriend who I actually met at the gym. I was knocked out with one punch. It was the same mugger with the same neck tattoo. FML

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By Merserve - 9/7/2020 02:00

Shackled

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 10:57 - Denmark

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

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By HF44 - 29/7/2015 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

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By Rehab - 11/2/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2016 15:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

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By RyanM - 13/2/2011 09:01 - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 00:01

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Nurse - 31/8/2018 15:00

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

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By Janitor - 8/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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By loz4151336 - 3/3/2020 12:06

Criminal minds at their best

Today, my friends wanted to try to dine and dash at a McDonald's. I had to explain why that wouldn't work. FML

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By Noname - 5/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML

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By Ms Yeins - 26/4/2019 14:00 - Belgium - Mechelen

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public toilet. When I threw away the used one and opened a new one, it turned out that it had no thread on it! I took another one out. Again, defective! It was the last one I had with me, and it was the second day of my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 06:00

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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By fml - 22/5/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

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By knobbed - 27/1/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 20:57 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, someone popped my birthday balloon at school. Her reasoning was that she "didn't want people to know we have the same birthday." Who popped it? My identical twin sister. FML

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By wtf - 16/6/2016 06:02 - United States - Fairfield

Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML

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By jessi - 2/12/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

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Top comments

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#72972 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:28

"No, 'lefty' doesn't count. If you ever do, use a condom."

By WIDRR | 0

#72945 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:23

LOL idiot

Comments

By WIDRR | 0

#72945 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:23

LOL idiot

pingpongpickle | 8

#987018 - Saturday 1 May 2010 18:51

FIRST TO REPLY TO FIRST

dannnn_fml | 0

#987080 - Sunday 2 May 2010 0:35

SECOND TO REPLY TO FIRST! :)

By bgurl | 0

#72953 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

ahahaahahaahaha!!!

By Anonymus101 | 0

#72956 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

YDI for saying that with no self-control.

By funplex | 0

#72958 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

LMAO, no, with a fucking animal. Dumbass.

By MichelleSoFlyy | 0

#72959 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

aha, thats funny.

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#72972 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:28

"No, 'lefty' doesn't count. If you ever do, use a condom."

T9FTW | 20

#5315266 - Wednesday 9 January 2013 0:31

What about Jill!

By 666midnight | 0

#72976 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:29

lol, owned =P

By nomadxx7 | 0

#73002 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:34

Same as #4, YDI

Off-topic: Stop the damn "first" on every FML. Seriously going to start reporting to get the first comment moderated away. Just getting annoying... /rant

By PureGold | 0

#73004 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:35

"No, with monkeys, silly!"

By mylifeisnotfuckd | 0

#73014 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:37

haha, i would have done the same thing :P