Intimacy: Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

This Charming Man

Keys, how do they work?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

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By bleue - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

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By abrazama - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

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By kittydead - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I sneezed and shit myself in bed. It was the first time I ever slept at my girlfriends house, and probably the last time as well. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 05:01

Red flag

Today, my husband rolls his eyes at me 90% of the time when I ask for a kiss. I think divorce is not too far off. FML

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By levi Glasscock - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 10:58

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Today, I had to cancel a plane ticket to a friend's wedding, because first he gave me the wrong date, after which his fiancée cut me from the guests because of Covid safety. Instead of paying $600 to be in the ceremony, I'm paying $400 to not go anywhere because the ticket could only be partially refunded. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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20498

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By thatescalatedquickly - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

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By Help - Australia

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

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By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

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By exiebestie - Australia - Perth

Today, my ex-best friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year because of how obsessive she got, posted a picture of herself with dyed brown hair and glasses. We look like twins. Even I thought it was me. Some people are commenting that I look beautiful. School starts tomorrow. FML

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By gamerlaura

Today, after a very harsh argument from my mother about her not seeing her grandchild enough, I decided to vent out my rage in a text to my friend. It wasn't until after I sent the message, that yes, I sent that message to my mom FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By now what - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By rahhhnnnn

You can't win sometimes

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

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By nobodyreadsmyemails - Canada

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

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By L0L59

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

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2840

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By ImScrewed - 10/5/2021 05:01 - United States

Happy Mother's Day

Today, I had my husband’s family over. Our adopted 4 year-old daughter drew a cute card and gave it to me saying, "Happy Mother’s Day mommy! I love you." My mother-in-law scoffed, "She’s infertile and not even your real mom, but ok." Now our daughter won’t stop asking all sorts of questions. FML

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By Great... - United States

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

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By 20singleandproudish - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML

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By SadSister:( - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By cbolig

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

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By Anonymous - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

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By Tiana - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

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By tantanpanda - United States

Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML

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Top comments

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

COMMENTS

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

the_pan1c | 5

#2101849 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:39

^^^^^WINNNNNN^^^^

SquaredRectangle | 0

#2101904 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:48

dude this is just like the black swan! Except ur both males...and im pretty sure your not crazy, or a swan :S

toelie | 25

#2101949 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:59

It's not like Black Swan at all unless he imagined it.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102033 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:19

yeah like seriously

yazmi_09 | 3

#2102109 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:38

this fml reminds me of preter griffin's song
"there once were two cowboys headed out on the open trail,
when they discovered they could have sex with another male,
now they're having butt sex, cowboy butt sex"

mak3_1t_ra1n | 0

#2102193 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:06

subconscious homo. that's unfortunate.

jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2102335 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hmm. u like that?

missmurderx | 8

#2102380 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:06

Sodomy-hee. Sodomy-hee!

newjerseyguy | 0

#2102572 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:32

#1 all comments should have been shut off after yours lol. " no hommo " best response to this and i voulsnt have said it better than you.

fatvader64 | 5

#2102614 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:58

wow no homo comment was a win Nice

ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#2102627 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:05

Sounds like you like peepee to me

blackdog6969 | 0

#2102876 - Sunday 20 February 2011 9:25

Jim norton reference ftw

By raptroszx | 0

#2101814 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:33

thats pretty hot ;D

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102023 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:17

lol

Katy326 | 10

#2102641 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:11

that happened in brokeback mountain. lol

RobotStrut | 7

#2102648 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:15

I agree with this statement.

By mammia | 2

#2101824 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:35

OMG!!!

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2102064 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:25

Straight? Yeah, I don't think so.

Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2102481 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:51

he just used the wrong tense: they WERE straight males.

By Shenronlock | 7

#2101826 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

Well, I guess you just discovered a little something about yourself ;)

KayKayVictoria | 0

#2102340 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hell ya he did. haha.(:

By kristen1026 | 2

#2101828 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

BAHAHAHAHA some girls think that's hawt. glad it was good lmaoo

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

Dnorris007 | 0

#2101834 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

lmao.! too funny.!

randiZ25 | 0

#2101992 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:09

agreed.. there must be something a little deeper he's suppressing..

ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#2102588 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:41

Sounds like they already went plenty deep...

ijzj | 0

#2102633 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

khaoticWankler | 0

#2102690 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:32

I'm pretty sure gay sex falls under being gay

By AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#2101837 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

Well, not anymore!! XD

A7XDavis | 0

#2102283 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:41

a7x rocks

brycereid | 0

#2102457 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:38

you mean it's really gay

godofcyanide | 8

#2102622 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:02

That was my first thought.

Snaylor12 | 0

#2102653 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:17

exactly what I was thinking

By BigBoi2187 | 0

#2101841 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

AWKWARD!!!

By shibainu519 | 0

#2101857 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

at least you enjoyed it!

By beastin34 | 0

#2101859 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

0_o ummm.. well now u know better not to drink a much..unless u on spring break!!!