Intimacy: Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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Intimacy

Social distancing gone wrong

Healthy relationship

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - Canada - Galt

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

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By YouDontSay - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

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By Dontworryaboutit - United States

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

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By Madokami - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

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By ohhaithur

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

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By Jetlagged

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

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By carebear1228 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By BLAH - Philippines

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

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By chrono64 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

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By thesporkhop - United States

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Today, while naked, my fiancée said there was something wrong with her butt. She turned around and I leaned in to look at it. She then farted in my face. On purpose. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hurstville

Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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26910

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML

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38269

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By thefriedman - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By stupidneighbor - United States

Today, I slipped on the ice in front of my apartment, spraining my ankle and cracking a rib. While I laid on the ground immediately after, my neighbor chewed me out for saying "shit" in front of her 4-year-old on my way down. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By vegas-81 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

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By ugh - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

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By Evil_Angel_90 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I was bored so I started to doodle on MS paint. My boss walks by and asks me to join him in his office. When I do so, he fires me for drawing offensive material. I drew a rainbow. FML

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By ACAB - Australia

Officer McGiggles

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

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By Pang

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Unlucky

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

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By Anonymous

A like is a like, dude

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

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By IHateMyJob - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

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By anonymous - Ireland

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

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By Harvey knicks grandad - 10/2/2021 21:58 - United Kingdom

Father of the year

Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML

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By Tired Girlfriend

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Idiot

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

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By Why Charlie!? WHY!?

Today, I woke up seeing my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. My annual 2 weeks vacation starts today too. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

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By homerde - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

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Top comments

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

COMMENTS

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

the_pan1c | 5

#2101849 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:39

^^^^^WINNNNNN^^^^

SquaredRectangle | 0

#2101904 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:48

dude this is just like the black swan! Except ur both males...and im pretty sure your not crazy, or a swan :S

toelie | 25

#2101949 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:59

It's not like Black Swan at all unless he imagined it.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102033 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:19

yeah like seriously

yazmi_09 | 3

#2102109 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:38

this fml reminds me of preter griffin's song
"there once were two cowboys headed out on the open trail,
when they discovered they could have sex with another male,
now they're having butt sex, cowboy butt sex"

mak3_1t_ra1n | 0

#2102193 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:06

subconscious homo. that's unfortunate.

jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2102335 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hmm. u like that?

missmurderx | 8

#2102380 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:06

Sodomy-hee. Sodomy-hee!

newjerseyguy | 0

#2102572 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:32

#1 all comments should have been shut off after yours lol. " no hommo " best response to this and i voulsnt have said it better than you.

fatvader64 | 5

#2102614 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:58

wow no homo comment was a win Nice

ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#2102627 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:05

Sounds like you like peepee to me

blackdog6969 | 0

#2102876 - Sunday 20 February 2011 9:25

Jim norton reference ftw

By raptroszx | 0

#2101814 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:33

thats pretty hot ;D

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102023 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:17

lol

Katy326 | 10

#2102641 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:11

that happened in brokeback mountain. lol

RobotStrut | 7

#2102648 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:15

I agree with this statement.

By mammia | 2

#2101824 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:35

OMG!!!

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2102064 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:25

Straight? Yeah, I don't think so.

Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2102481 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:51

he just used the wrong tense: they WERE straight males.

By Shenronlock | 7

#2101826 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

Well, I guess you just discovered a little something about yourself ;)

KayKayVictoria | 0

#2102340 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hell ya he did. haha.(:

By kristen1026 | 2

#2101828 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

BAHAHAHAHA some girls think that's hawt. glad it was good lmaoo

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

Dnorris007 | 0

#2101834 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

lmao.! too funny.!

randiZ25 | 0

#2101992 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:09

agreed.. there must be something a little deeper he's suppressing..

ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#2102588 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:41

Sounds like they already went plenty deep...

ijzj | 0

#2102633 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

khaoticWankler | 0

#2102690 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:32

I'm pretty sure gay sex falls under being gay

By AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#2101837 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

Well, not anymore!! XD

A7XDavis | 0

#2102283 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:41

a7x rocks

brycereid | 0

#2102457 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:38

you mean it's really gay

godofcyanide | 8

#2102622 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:02

That was my first thought.

Snaylor12 | 0

#2102653 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:17

exactly what I was thinking

By BigBoi2187 | 0

#2101841 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

AWKWARD!!!

By shibainu519 | 0

#2101857 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

at least you enjoyed it!

By beastin34 | 0

#2101859 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

0_o ummm.. well now u know better not to drink a much..unless u on spring break!!!