Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking...

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Workaholic

TMI

By dumbblonde - 13/7/2019 00:31

Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML

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By boned - 27/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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By almost - 22/8/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 16:40 - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

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By mommylife - 15/4/2015 04:17 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

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By pretty princess - 1/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By unemployed - 21/5/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, my boss came storming towards me, screaming just how tired she is with my constant bullshit. Already pissed off, I retorted that she's a bitch and should go lose some pounds. Turns out she was talking to her husband on her bluetooth headset. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 18:00 - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

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By Awkward - 16/1/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

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By idiot - 9/7/2012 21:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

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By playdated - 6/6/2014 06:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

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By What? - 22/1/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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By rkl2010 - 23/5/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

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By JJLight - 27/5/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 16:15

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

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By ID10t - 10/11/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 15:40 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By ouchies - 5/5/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

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By G. Briones - 23/11/2011 19:14

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML

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By Nicole - 9/5/2016 20:12 - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2013 17:06 - Ireland - Donegal

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 22:15 - United Kingdom - Warwick

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

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By stanDman - 19/1/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2016 14:55 - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

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By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Not a good look

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

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By ccblock - 17/9/2010 01:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "no", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "deal." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 17:48 - United States - Tucson

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

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By LucidNightmare - 27/1/2013 05:38 - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2017 08:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML

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By no action Jackson - 27/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Hesperia

What a wanker

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating. I thought it was hot and asked if I could join in. He threw me a disgusted look and screamed that I’d ruined the whole mood. Now we’re both unsatisfied. FML

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By n_london - 12/10/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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Top comments

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

COMMENTS

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

the_pan1c | 5

#2101849 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:39

^^^^^WINNNNNN^^^^

SquaredRectangle | 0

#2101904 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:48

dude this is just like the black swan! Except ur both males...and im pretty sure your not crazy, or a swan :S

toelie | 25

#2101949 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:59

It's not like Black Swan at all unless he imagined it.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102033 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:19

yeah like seriously

yazmi_09 | 3

#2102109 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:38

this fml reminds me of preter griffin's song
"there once were two cowboys headed out on the open trail,
when they discovered they could have sex with another male,
now they're having butt sex, cowboy butt sex"

mak3_1t_ra1n | 0

#2102193 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:06

subconscious homo. that's unfortunate.

jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2102335 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hmm. u like that?

missmurderx | 8

#2102380 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:06

Sodomy-hee. Sodomy-hee!

newjerseyguy | 0

#2102572 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:32

#1 all comments should have been shut off after yours lol. " no hommo " best response to this and i voulsnt have said it better than you.

fatvader64 | 5

#2102614 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:58

wow no homo comment was a win Nice

ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#2102627 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:05

Sounds like you like peepee to me

blackdog6969 | 0

#2102876 - Sunday 20 February 2011 9:25

Jim norton reference ftw

By raptroszx | 0

#2101814 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:33

thats pretty hot ;D

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102023 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:17

lol

Katy326 | 10

#2102641 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:11

that happened in brokeback mountain. lol

RobotStrut | 7

#2102648 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:15

I agree with this statement.

By mammia | 2

#2101824 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:35

OMG!!!

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2102064 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:25

Straight? Yeah, I don't think so.

Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2102481 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:51

he just used the wrong tense: they WERE straight males.

By Shenronlock | 7

#2101826 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

Well, I guess you just discovered a little something about yourself ;)

KayKayVictoria | 0

#2102340 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hell ya he did. haha.(:

By kristen1026 | 2

#2101828 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

BAHAHAHAHA some girls think that's hawt. glad it was good lmaoo

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

Dnorris007 | 0

#2101834 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

lmao.! too funny.!

randiZ25 | 0

#2101992 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:09

agreed.. there must be something a little deeper he's suppressing..

ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#2102588 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:41

Sounds like they already went plenty deep...

ijzj | 0

#2102633 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

khaoticWankler | 0

#2102690 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:32

I'm pretty sure gay sex falls under being gay

By AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#2101837 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

Well, not anymore!! XD

A7XDavis | 0

#2102283 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:41

a7x rocks

brycereid | 0

#2102457 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:38

you mean it's really gay

godofcyanide | 8

#2102622 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:02

That was my first thought.

Snaylor12 | 0

#2102653 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:17

exactly what I was thinking

By BigBoi2187 | 0

#2101841 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

AWKWARD!!!

By shibainu519 | 0

#2101857 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

at least you enjoyed it!

By beastin34 | 0

#2101859 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

0_o ummm.. well now u know better not to drink a much..unless u on spring break!!!