Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking...

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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Intimacy

White line fever

Vultures

Don't give up

By "leahkasscar" - 11/5/2019 12:00

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By still together - 28/8/2013 17:47 - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

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By Ava_Darkflame - 1/1/2017 15:54 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML

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By PISSED OFF - 17/5/2015 13:09 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 20/8/2015 02:38 - Canada - Markham

Today, I told my daughter that we're going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog that we buried in our back yard last week so it can come along. FML

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By "PineappleOfMyEye" - 13/12/2018 12:30

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

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By hadtocleanthemess - 28/6/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 22:44 - Canada - Rosetown

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

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By Pr unlucky - 2/10/2010 08:07 - Australia

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

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By Merdoc - 3/2/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML

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By SebastianMiko - 9/11/2012 07:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

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By single and hatless - 28/11/2015 03:46 - United States - Wilmington

Today, my 2 year relationship ended when my boyfriend accused me of stealing his beanie hat. FML

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By animalover - 13/8/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid hitting a dog that ran in front of my car. The dog was fine but I hit a road sign, ripped off my rearview mirror, and cracked my passenger side window. When I got out to examine the damage to my car, the dog growled at me. FML

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By - 16/6/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2020 17:00

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By SallyGeen - 27/7/2011 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 04:07 - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

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By Fmycatslife - 26/7/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2010 23:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By GrahamCracker - 21/5/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

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By Fitz - 5/5/2009 12:22 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

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By Randolph - 15/10/2012 02:24 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, a clown came over for my son's 8th birthday party. There was a moment of silence then laughter as everyone realized the clown and I were wearing the same plaid shirt. FML

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By Stuck - 15/7/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a coffee shop when the weird guy who had been pacing the store talking to himself approached our table. He looked at me, and in all seriousness, said, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your butt crack is showing." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 14:22 - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

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By anonymous - 4/7/2012 14:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 15:49 - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

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By Jessica - 8/7/2011 00:58 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - 27/6/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By unluckylassy - 28/11/2013 00:01 - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

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By mikey - 14/10/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

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By krissy - 20/3/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, I found out that the sleazy guy I met with a few days ago decided to move into my home town to "be closer" to me. I've already told him I'm not interested in him, but he still continues to ask me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2017 12:00 - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

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By wtfman101 - 28/8/2009 14:56 - United States

Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

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By why - 4/11/2015 01:13 - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

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Top comments

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

Comments

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2101812 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:32

No homo.

the_pan1c | 5

#2101849 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:39

^^^^^WINNNNNN^^^^

SquaredRectangle | 0

#2101904 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:48

dude this is just like the black swan! Except ur both males...and im pretty sure your not crazy, or a swan :S

toelie | 24

#2101949 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:59

It's not like Black Swan at all unless he imagined it.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102033 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:19

yeah like seriously

yazmi_09 | 3

#2102109 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:38

this fml reminds me of preter griffin's song
"there once were two cowboys headed out on the open trail,
when they discovered they could have sex with another male,
now they're having butt sex, cowboy butt sex"

mak3_1t_ra1n | 0

#2102193 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:06

subconscious homo. that's unfortunate.

jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2102335 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hmm. u like that?

missmurderx | 8

#2102380 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:06

Sodomy-hee. Sodomy-hee!

newjerseyguy | 0

#2102572 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:32

#1 all comments should have been shut off after yours lol. " no hommo " best response to this and i voulsnt have said it better than you.

fatvader64 | 5

#2102614 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:58

wow no homo comment was a win Nice

ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#2102627 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:05

Sounds like you like peepee to me

blackdog6969 | 0

#2102876 - Sunday 20 February 2011 9:25

Jim norton reference ftw

By raptroszx | 0

#2101814 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:33

thats pretty hot ;D

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2102023 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:17

lol

Katy326 | 10

#2102641 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:11

that happened in brokeback mountain. lol

RobotStrut | 7

#2102648 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:15

I agree with this statement.

By mammia | 2

#2101824 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:35

OMG!!!

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2102064 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:25

Straight? Yeah, I don't think so.

Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2102481 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:51

he just used the wrong tense: they WERE straight males.

By Shenronlock | 7

#2101826 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

Well, I guess you just discovered a little something about yourself ;)

KayKayVictoria | 0

#2102340 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:56

hell ya he did. haha.(:

By kristen1026 | 2

#2101828 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

BAHAHAHAHA some girls think that's hawt. glad it was good lmaoo

By blackbird31 | 0

#2101830 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:36

You may want to reconsider the "straight" part.

Dnorris007 | 0

#2101834 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

lmao.! too funny.!

randiZ25 | 0

#2101992 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:09

agreed.. there must be something a little deeper he's suppressing..

ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#2102588 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:41

Sounds like they already went plenty deep...

ijzj | 0

#2102633 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

khaoticWankler | 0

#2102690 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:32

I'm pretty sure gay sex falls under being gay

By AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#2101837 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

Well, not anymore!! XD

A7XDavis | 0

#2102283 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:41

a7x rocks

brycereid | 0

#2102457 - Sunday 20 February 2011 3:38

you mean it's really gay

godofcyanide | 8

#2102622 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:02

That was my first thought.

Snaylor12 | 0

#2102653 - Sunday 20 February 2011 5:17

exactly what I was thinking

By BigBoi2187 | 0

#2101841 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:37

AWKWARD!!!

By shibainu519 | 0

#2101857 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

at least you enjoyed it!

By beastin34 | 0

#2101859 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:40

0_o ummm.. well now u know better not to drink a much..unless u on spring break!!!