Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer... - FML

By has-evil-friends - 26/11/2009 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Great boyfriend

Compassion

By naughtyshirt - 22/8/2009 09:29 - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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By omgitserika - 18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 04:29 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2012 23:51 - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

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By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

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By AtLeastTheyreClean - 27/1/2017 19:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after hours of protesting and tantrums, I finally got my kids to clean their rooms. They're all really proud of themselves and enjoying all the extra space. I'm stuck with the three extra loads of laundry they found in there. FML

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By notnow - 27/9/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By noneedtostress - 17/3/2012 15:52 - Australia

Today, I realised my period was two weeks late and panicked about being pregnant due to missing a pill a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I haven't had sex in almost a year. FML

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By Auston - 17/7/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By Anon - 28/1/2019 06:00 - United States - West Jefferson

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

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By kilo1_13 - 4/6/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, I went through the car wash my boyfriend works at. When I pulled in, I explained I was Greg's girlfriend and cutely asked if I could get a free car wash. His co-worker looked at me confused and said "Greg said he didn't have a girlfriend", then he looked at me and said "Now I know why". FML

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By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - 29/7/2016 21:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I spent my remaining cash on a doctor's visit, only to find out that at the age of 22, I'm getting major health problems brought on by stress. I came home to relax, only to find out my roommate can't pay his rent, and needs me to cover for him so we don't get evicted. FML

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By stickygoober - 20/11/2018 15:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

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By becca1417 - 1/9/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

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By anonymous - 12/5/2011 02:20

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

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By gottalovefriends - 23/4/2012 04:04 - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 19:04 - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

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By XxJennJennXxX - 20/1/2012 12:13 - United States

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was playing The Sims, when I saw him remove the door to a room and set it on fire with a Sim trapped inside. I chuckled at first, until I saw that the Sim was me. Meanwhile, my wife's Sim was happily painting in the next room, not giving a crap. All too accurate, sadly. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 14:29 - United States - Greenwood

Today, I went to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. When I went to go purchase them, the elderly lady behind the counter took one look at me and said, "Honey, you're your own birth control." FML

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By hannaslifesucks - 24/6/2012 18:41 - Norway - Kleppe

Today, a kid got his hand stuck inside my store's giant gumball machine. He started crying, and his negligent train-wreck of a mom bitched me out for being "unobservant." I'd been mopping up the mess she'd made after she spilled an open can of beer all over the floor. FML

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By guest - 19/6/2014 01:14 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

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By WithoutLove - 30/8/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML

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By quirrus - 7/5/2012 09:42 - United States

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

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By Journo - 27/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, after two months of unemployment, I got a call from a marketing firm offering me an interview for an entry-level position. While Googling the company, I discovered it's a scam. I graduated college in 3 years with a 3.5 GPA, and the only interview I can get is at a fake company. FML

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By revalc - 16/8/2009 04:35 - Canada

Today, I'm having my housewarming party and had prepared food, drink and games for all the 19 confirmed guests on Facebook. I waited till 11 but nobody showed up. I checked Facebook again and realized I had accidentally put tomorrow as the party date. I have to work the whole day tomorrow. FML

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By dogsickftl - 31/10/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'for sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Daddy - 2/6/2016 08:04 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

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By NeverGonnaGetIt - 27/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Wayne

Today, I went on my 56th job interview since graduating from college 3 months ago. I am 31 years old and I spent 11 years in college. I only graduated with a Bachelor's Degree after all those years, but I am still not qualified for anything due to how long it took me to complete my degree. FML

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By kay-z - 21/6/2014 20:32 - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Poordaughter5 - 6/7/2016 17:21 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By :( - 27/7/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

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By Unfortunate - 8/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

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By fatty:( - 15/4/2011 09:30 - Australia

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

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Top comments

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#690179 - Friday 27 November 2009 2:31

Fosters Home for Imaginary Duechebags!

It'll be a smashing success!

By drunkenpoop | 0

#690210 - Friday 27 November 2009 2:49

why would you care what the pizza guy thinks about you? odds are, you'll never see him again.
i dont see an FML here ..

Comments

By k43L1 | 0

#690121 - Friday 27 November 2009 1:55

haha i doubt he thought that. no worries.

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#690123 - Friday 27 November 2009 1:57

You do have imaginary friends.
I just doubt he figured it out.

By Anteezy | 7

#690145 - Friday 27 November 2009 2:10

why does he think youre greedy

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#690179 - Friday 27 November 2009 2:31

Fosters Home for Imaginary Duechebags!

It'll be a smashing success!

By drunkenpoop | 0

#690210 - Friday 27 November 2009 2:49

why would you care what the pizza guy thinks about you? odds are, you'll never see him again.
i dont see an FML here ..

By FMLjudge007 | 0

#690215 - Friday 27 November 2009 2:52

do you have ESP??

By yummehMOO | 0

#690254 - Friday 27 November 2009 3:39

oh boo-hoo

By trestie | 0

#690269 - Friday 27 November 2009 3:54

funny !

By lo1337a | 1

#690292 - Friday 27 November 2009 4:16

I doubt he thinks that. You seem overly paranoid.

By soadgorillaz | 0

#690314 - Friday 27 November 2009 4:35

oh yeah FYL because a guy you'll never see again thinks your weird.....